Appalling Trend

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

1. High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
2. High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
3. A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
4. High School Crush :: Home Owners
5. Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
6. Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
7. The Youngen' :: 3+ years
   
8. J :: 3+ years
9. Lumberjack :: unknown
10. RC :: has yet to have next relationship
11. The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
12. Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

Can't Do It.

Phone sex.

I can't do it.

Lumberjack and I had our first encounter with, I suppose, the inevitable last night.

The phone was ringing as I stepped out of the shower.

“Hey you just caught me getting out of the shower”

“So you’re not wearing anything”

“No actually I’m not”

“Tell me what else you’re doing”

And that’s were I start laughing and say sorry I can’t do it.

One would think someone in an LD relationship might enjoy a little sexy time over the air waves. But me I find it forced and fake.

I’d rather do the real thing or nothing at all….

Long Distance....?

Lumberjack and I are officially in a long distance...er...something.

As I've said before he lives in Timmins, which is 8 hours away. Lucky for me he works on the road and that brings him near me fairly regularly.

But not lately and not in the near future.

They have him traveling all over northern Ontario.

Not sure when he'll be back to where the snow has been gone for over a month. (seriously his plans last weekend included keeping beer cold in a snow bank*. It was 24C where I was, and thats tanning weather!)

Was I premature in saying that long distance would work? Does it ever work? The only time it makes sense is in short predetermined lengths of time (you know a 3 month internship out of town sort of thing). We are long distance indefinitely. No end point. We never even had a relationship in order to base this on. It seems crazy to be even attempting a relationship. Yet when I climb into bed at night its his arms I wish it was his chest my head rested on, his arms around me.

I'm hesitant to call him my boyfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. We talk regularly. We laugh. We complain about how long its been since we've seen each other, taking comfort in the fact that the other feels the same way.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact our lives are kilometers apart. 682km. Can that distance be bridged?

We are tied together by threads.

Thread can be incredibly strong, or snap in an instant.




*note I originally wrote this a few weeks ago and am hoping that the snow has finally melted up there, however they are calling for some this weekend.

Relapse

Lumberjack and I are seeing each other again.

I know I said I was done. That I was over it. That we were finished.

I lied.

I am a sucker for a guy who looks me in the eyes and says he's in it for real.

The definition of 'real' has yet to be determined.

The definition of 'it' has yet to be determined.

For now I'm not questioning. Just resting my head on his shoulder.

Weekend Update

This past weekend was a very eventful one. a la bullet.

• I got my hair done.
  
• Wrote a paper until 2:30am at my parents house on Friday night.
  
• Finished a baby present minutes before leaving for the shower.
  
• Got "lost" on the way to the shower (by lost I mean I missed my exit and subsequent exits not realizing until I was started down a looooong stretch of highway with no way to turn around, yet another reason not to talk on a cell phone while driving).
  
• Arrived at the shower in time for the food!
  
• Missed the present opening entirely.
• Got text from interent date saying he had a good time
• Called to confirm evenings engagement party plans.
• Learned that I was unable to get ready with my girlfriends b/c both Ex Accountant (plus fiance) and Lumberjack were to be at R&R's
• Make alternate plans to arrive at party alone which involve an extremely long time on public transit.
• Arrive at PhD's in time for food! (PhD was not attending this party, different groups of friends but gladly put me so I didn't have to sleep on the street as Ex Accountant took my usual place at R&R's)
  
• Put on fashion show for girls not going to party and their bfs to decide the most appropriate dress to make ex's feel like they made a HUGE mistake.
• Arrive at party "fashionably" late
• Feel no need to talk to Ex Accountant (if he wants to pretend I never exisited so can I)
• See Lumberjack and avoid joining conversations he apart of but try to do it so he doesn't acutally feel like I'm avoiding him on purpose...not sure if I pulled this off
• Talk to Lumberjack after he sits down next me with no awkwardness
• General laugher drinking and dancing abound
• Plans to leave early were foiled as it was suddenly time to go
• Share cab with 4 others including Lumberjack
• Hold hands sneakily with Lumberjack on way home
• Turn Lumberjack down when he invites me up to his hotel room. (self control...I haz it) opting instead to sleep on a couch
• Wake up tired but not hung over with 2 voicemails from Lumberjack (apparently the dress did work!)
• Return home to unsucessfuly write another paper for school
• Email prof at 5 am to say I was sick all night and would not make it to class
• Get extension on paper (guilty face)

Men. Men. Men.

I hate it when I start to feel that the only thing we/I talk about is men, relationships or the lack thereof. I feel like I'm an independent type girl..er...woman (I mean I've been living on my own for the last 7 years and have managed to keep myself alive). I have a serious quiet side that is prominent during school days, and I have a fun silly let loose side that pops out once in awhile when I'm with my good friends.

I used to feel like I would make a great girlfriend, and most days I still do. But now I'm not so sure that is necessarily what I want. Sure I want someone to be my "Best Friend with Benefits" I want someone to share my life with, good times and the bad, I may even want to start a family one day (!) But I don't want to deal with all the games.

And dating, my friends, is all about the games.

Even if you don't think you're playing you are.

Take Lumberjack, who I haven't heard from since the hairy legs incident (well he did call the day after with a cursory, I had a good time blah blah blah). I've reached a conclusion that I somehow disappointed him by "giving in" to him. That he in fact, wanted me to say no. Or this could be my female mind working overtime and the truth is that he is just a flake who bailed.

I may never know...or maybe I'll find out in 2 weeks as he may or may not be in attendance at an engagement party of our mutual friends (my mute Ex Account has RVSP's yes...so the night may be more interesting then I want).

What else brought this on?

He's Just Not That Into You. I watched it over the weekend and was disappointed. I was hoping for another Love Actually type movie, something that is inspiring and the proves that love exists in many forms. Instead I found it kind of insulting. Like as a women my only goal in life is to get married. It seemed to reinforce stereotypes that I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without a guy (Okay, one lady ended up being the better off alone type) Aside from the basic points included in the book:

If he's not:

• calling you
• marrying you
• sleeping with you

he's just not that into you.

All of which seem so very obvious when you're not in the midst of said relationship. I was disheartened and turned off the dating scene entirely.

*ahem*

So here to focusing on the task at hand. School and surviving this hellish month otherwise known as March.

Self Control? I don't have it.

Lumberjack brought me dinner last night.

Despite my best efforts at ensuring I would behave myself...I did not.

Hairy legs and all.

More of the same...

Lumberjack called again. I was out and missed the call. He'll be working about 40mins from my town this week and wants to take me for dinner.

I haven't called back.

I don't yet know what I'll say. The obvious answer is to gently turn him down. But this is the first guy to have peaked my interest this much in almost 3 years. The last guy was my Ex Accountant, who is, by the way, getting married this coming October. Is that not something to wonder about? Or should I have already gathered enough evidence from our previous experiences to know how this round will end? Or as a graduate student should I just take free dinners as they are offered? (Can I be that nonchalant about possibly leading a guy on...?)

This guy is a friend of my very good friends. Another couple in the group just got engaged (which for me could possibly mean attending a wedding with not just one, but two exes...gulp). I won't be able to stand it if they both won't talk to me....

I'm gonna sleep on it.

Drama on NYE

New Years Eve

Christmas is for families but NYE is for couples.

As a single this night can cause some stress as the clock counts down to midnight. In the past I have felt to be the only one not locking lips with someone special as the ball drops (these last few years I've settled for someone available).

This year I was going to a house party where I knew that at least one single girl would be in attendance and I figured the two of us would get a head start on the champagne. In reality the party was on estrogen overload. There were 9 people at this small bash and only two couples and those two men were representing the opposite sex. Therefore this party was simply overrun with beautiful single ladies. One might think that this would relieve the pressure of the midnight kiss (it did) and therefore result in a wonderfully drama free evening.

It did not.

I had spoken with Lumberjack a couple times since the dinner and he had asked permission to call me on NYE (do whatever you want...). I said yes (I'm still curious to see where this might go). I figured he'd call or he wouldn't no real problem either way (he wasn't at the party because of a work emergency....yes we was working NYE 3ish hours from all of us).

Around 10 R's phone rang and it was Lumberjack calling to wish us a Happy New Year. The phone was passed around the party to all his old roommates and best buddies from their time in Oz (this amounted to 5 of the total 9 people at the party the other 3 did not know him). But not to me.

....

Yes he talked to everyone else at a party he knew I was at and did not ask to talk to me.

I was not the only one to notice it. Some of my friends assured me, it wasn't like he'd said "No I don't want to talk to Tigerlily." or maybe he wants to call you closer to midnight.

I tried to not worry about it and went about enjoying the pink champagne and shots that kept coming around thanks to R's husband. But as the night went on and my alcohol consumption increased I was more getting more and more upset about it.

At 1am I asked R if it was odd he never called. Somehow all the ladies of the party ended up talking and I definitely cried a little (damn the vodka shots). I believe the consensus of the night was its just not worth it. And while I didn't want to agree the evidence was with them.

R and I finally got her husband to take us home close to 6am.

When I woke impossibly early the next morning with nothing to do while waiting for my friends to wake. I noticed an icon I'd never seen before on my phone. Upon further investigation I discovered that I had a voicemail.

Apparently in my drunken emotional state of the night before I was unable to work my phone.

Lumberjack had called, and left me a message shortly after midnight.

Blownaway

**Over the holidays I have been away from blogging. However I started many posts as these events played out. So instead of creating one outlandishly long post I will finish said previously started so you can read along with the suspense I felt while living them.**

Middle of December

I am not an organized person. I am always about 10 minutes late, this is something I hate about myself. My parents were always 10 minutes late so I guess I came by it honestly, but this does not lessen the fact that I am constantly finding myself scrambling around at the last minute.

So as usual I was scrambling around trying to get to Bulk Barn so that I could by the necessary ingredients for the Christmas treats I was creating for an upcoming Christmas party. Just as I was about to shove me feet into my boots and shut off the lights my phone rings. I expect it to be PhD and grab the phone to take with my on my excursion (it was her party, she could hear me complain about the rain that I had to shop in to get the goodies). But it wasn't her name on the call display. It was Lumberjack's.


What?

Wait? Should I answer this call? I stared at the phone with my mouth open until I recognized from the ring tone that his call was about to be sent to voicemail.

I flipped my phone open and said hello.

He was very casual at first, like it hadn't a month since we last spoke on the phone, and even longer since he left my bed early one morning never to return.

I just went with the flow. Saying what I'd been up too, and how our mutual friends were doing (I see a lot more of them then he does). After an awkward pause he started to apologize. He said he never intended for that to have been the last night we saw each other. That he liked talking and spending time with me. That he hadn't been seeing anyone else while we were together (which lead me to believe that he'd seen someone since the break-up but that has never been confirmed or denied, or even asked about).

He said he thinks I'm an amazing girl and that he wasn't sure if he could give me what I want, or that he deserved me. (I hate Hate HATE when people think they know what I want without asking or think they aren't good enough for me....let me make my own decisions thank-you very much!)

Apparently the idea of spending Halloween watching scary movies and drinking red dyed drinks with our mutual friends was too couplely for him and instead of telling me that he bailed. For me meeting each others personal friends is much more couplely then hanging with your mutual ones...but that is not the point. The point is he bailed without an explanation, and then avoided me (my opinion) or we couldn't connect (his opinion).

He apologized a lot and sounded very sincere. He thanked me for answering the call, and asked if he could call me again.

I said yes. Have a Merry Christmas.

He said I'll call you before then.

I hung up the phone sat on the couch and immediately sent our mutual friends a WTF text.

Then I remembered I still needed to get candies for the party and was now even later then ever.

Bye Bye Lumberjack

Lumberjack and I are finished.

I'm actually surprised at how Okay I am. For the first time I told someone I was dating that their behaviour had upset me. I know its crazy that I had never done that before (at least not calmly....). But I haven't. I've always been afraid of their reaction. I've always thought they would react, well, just like Lumberjack did.

How did Lumberjack react?

Well his reply was "long distance is difficult," (like I wasn't aware of that) "this is the best I can do," (seriously....the BEST you can do) "maybe it would be better if you date someone locally." (at least that's not ambiguous).

He said he would call me later so we could finish our conversation. That was 2 weeks ago. I think I'm pretty safe that call is not coming.

Oddly enough this episode made me feel better about speaking up, not worse. In the past I have always let these things build until they either come exploding out at inopportune times or just wear away on my self esteem. This way I was able to say my piece and gave him a chance to say his. I was expecting more of an apology for leaving in the middle of the night and then not calling for a week. I wasn't expecting the end of a relationship that had barely gotten off the ground.

But there you have it. I am single once again, approaching the holiday season closely followed by a wedding that my plus one, is more then likely to be a plus zero.

1 week later...

The lumberjack called last night and left a message:

"Hey its Lumberjack, I'm just finishing the worst week of my life and am driving to Toronto. Give me a call" [then he left his number, like he thinks I've already forgotten?]

I didn't call right away. I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts together and was mentally prepared to actually tell him what I needed. It may not sound hard to do, but for me, the eternal peacekeeper, I like to see other people happy and at times this comes at my expense.

When I did call, he didn't answer. Very anti-climatic I know. I didn't leave a message. He has call display.

And whats with "the worst week of my life." Am I now supposed to feel guilty because I was mad at him? Does this excuse him from his bad behaviour? Shouldn't he have wanted to talk to me during this bad week?

I didn't have the best week myself: My beloved computer got a virus. Luckily I quickly realized I was inept at fixing this problem, and took it to the professionals. Four days and $80 later I got it back. I bounced my rent cheque. Not good. Not good at all. Luckily I think I realized this before my landlord and was able to provide a new cheque that will clear before they had to ask me about it. Unfortunately I got charged $42 for Insufficient funds. (which for someone who didn't have the money to clear the original cheque can't really afford). So now I have exactly $105.36 in my bank account to last me until Nov 28th when I will receive another paycheque too small to cover rent.

Student loans here I come.

Also during my bad week the boy I was hoping to possibly turn into a bf disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.

Begin at the Begining

So much has happened in the months that I have been away, and for most of it I was too tired, stressed, busy, overworked, or just listless to attempt witty humour. Since much of what happened in the past is required to stay current.

I like blogging because it helps me to sort out my feelings and I miss it now. I had been meaning to start blogging again, but everything that happened in the last few months is needed to understand where I am now. And since I am a huge procrastinator from way back I have been neglecting starting the "previously on" entry. So instead I'm am going to use the every efficient bullet point strategy.

Unpaid and Underappreciated

• I worked 12 hours per day 7 days a week from the end of June to the middle of July.
• My boss was unpleasant....by unpleasant read irritable, condescending, and unappreciative.
• In total I worked 29 full days of overtime (in a little over 2 months). Oh and that overtime was unpaid. Yes unpaid. To be fair I could take time in lieu and I did take 7 days for a wedding. However, my contract was up before I could cash in on the other 22 days.
• I couldn't complain because I needed the reference, also, my current work is linked to the work I did last summer and I will have to work together with my former unpleasant boss.
• Over the course of the summer I missed 3 good friends birthdays, a family reunion, a huge concert/party, 2 long weekends, a volleyball tournament, and a funeral. Yes a funeral, I was allowed to leave "early" to make the visitation...(by early it was 2.5hours after the offical quitting time)
• So after all that I packed a whole summers worth of fun into the last 2 weeks of August:

Two weddings, A birthday, and a Lumberjack.

Wedding 1

• Details: Maui, Hawaii, August 19
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph.
• Me: Maid of Honour
• This was basically the exact vacation I needed to recover from the worst summer ever.
• 5 of us stayed in a condo on the ocean. 3 girls, 2 boys.
• The boys made the girls breaky every morning and drinks all day!
• We read trashy (read fantastic) teen vampire romances
• We sat by the pool, swam in the ocean, watch stunning sunsets, saw sea turtles, went snorkeling, learned to surf, and celebrated the wedding of two of my best friends.
• I was awake everyday at 6am sat on the lanai and watched the ocean and luxerated in the warm breezes.
• Life was perfect.

My Birthday

• August 22, Age 27
• Was largely spent on a plane coming from Hawaii to Toronto. (Side note: The Hawaiian airport doesn't have a book store....seriously, its 5 hours to anywhere and no book store...magazines just won't do on a 5 hour flight!)
• I rushed to Guelph, then rushed to get ready for the rehearsal.
• Where I spent my 27th celebrating my friends impending nuptials with my Ex Accountant.
• Some slight awkwardness with Ex, but we mostly just avoided each other
• The bridal party left early to spend some quality with just the ladies
• While it was just the 5 of us R gave us our bridal party gifts which were personalized, amazing and touching
• Then I got birthday gifts which I wasn't expecting, I tend to play down my birthday in general, and especially when I am celebrating one of my best friends weddings.
• All in all turning 27 was pretty damn good.

Wedding 2

• Details: Guelph ON, August 23rd
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph (yes that is correct I met both couples working in the same bar, and they got married 4 days apart)
• Me: Bridesmaid
• My Ex: Best Man
• I had to leave paradise early in order to attend this wedding, and it did not disappoint
• Aside from my Ex Account the entire wedding party was amazing. We laughed and goofed around and posed for countless pics all day.
• I attended dateless but never felt alone.
• Open bar allowed me to have my final say with the Ex Accountant and that relationship has been put to rest.
• Open bar also allowed me to flirt shamelessly with a hot Lumberjack that attended teacher's college with my now wed friends.
• Said shameless flirting continued to the after party in the hotel
• Said shamless flirting continued to my hotel room
• For the first time ever, I slept with a man I had just met.
• I then kicked him out of the room, to allow S, the bridesmaid I was sharing the room with back in (she never did come back though).
• It was all very Samantha Jones of me.
• I paid for the whole room bill as I felt guilty about kicking S out...
• At 27 years old I had my first one night stand....or so I thought at the time....

Moving on Up

• Moved to a small city in Eastern Ontario
• Started a Master's Program in Environmental Studies
• Live in an Attic (so I suppose the name of my blog is no longer relevant, but I can't change it now....or I've just started on my way up.)

More stories will come but at least now the basics have been accounted for.

Stay tuned.