Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.