Closing the Book on RC

Remember this guy?

RC

The boy who last year had me all twitterpated.

Steadily my interest has been falling. I waited for him to open up, to talk to me without needing some liquid courage. To even muster of the confidence to ask me for my phone number (or get it from our mutual friends...I'm not picky as to how he got procession of those 10 numbers).

He didn't.

After several kissing sessions I friended him on facebook.

After at least two (mostly platonic) sleepovers he still wasn't responding the way I had hoped. So I let him drift. He was just a friend and I? Well I was tangled up with the Lumberjack.

A few weeks ago there was a party.

RC came into town. I was months deep into a dry spell that had no end in sight (little did I know...). He was into the rye, I was enjoying some beers. The only other cute boy at the party just adopted a puppy with his gf (isn't that always the way). When the time came to go home, I invited him back to my apartment (this was rather more embarrassing then usual as my downstairs neighbour happened to be the cab driver who picked us up).

Things progressed as they are wont to do. Only it wasn't...well good.

It wasn't bad per se...but even in my beer soaked hadn't kissed a boy in months state, I knew it wasn't good.

We fell asleep. No pillow talk. No snuggling.

We woke up. He stated my dog snored (she does) I joked "so do you" (that at least got a little smile).

He dressed. Said he was going to go see what his buddies were up to.

No number exchange. No kiss goodbye.

Worst of all. He said "get away fucker" to Gaia, my 10lb puppy as she chased him around my room in the morning ecstatic to have someone new to play with.

That moment.

That moment there is when I realized, despite my previous desires this boy was not the boy for me.

Bomb

"I worry so much about my niece getting hurt."

"I can barely take care of myself"

"I don't want to have kids."

hmmmmm.

After telling Lumberjack that yet another of my girlfriends is knocked up (more to come on that) those were his thoughts.

Problem? Deal-breaker? (did we even have a deal?)

What to do when your sort-of boyfriend, that you only see once a month, that you do not think about long term, drops that bomb?

Can't Do It.

Phone sex.

I can't do it.

Lumberjack and I had our first encounter with, I suppose, the inevitable last night.

The phone was ringing as I stepped out of the shower.

“Hey you just caught me getting out of the shower”

“So you’re not wearing anything”

“No actually I’m not”

“Tell me what else you’re doing”

And that’s were I start laughing and say sorry I can’t do it.

One would think someone in an LD relationship might enjoy a little sexy time over the air waves. But me I find it forced and fake.

I’d rather do the real thing or nothing at all….

Long Distance....?

Lumberjack and I are officially in a long distance...er...something.

As I've said before he lives in Timmins, which is 8 hours away. Lucky for me he works on the road and that brings him near me fairly regularly.

But not lately and not in the near future.

They have him traveling all over northern Ontario.

Not sure when he'll be back to where the snow has been gone for over a month. (seriously his plans last weekend included keeping beer cold in a snow bank*. It was 24C where I was, and thats tanning weather!)

Was I premature in saying that long distance would work? Does it ever work? The only time it makes sense is in short predetermined lengths of time (you know a 3 month internship out of town sort of thing). We are long distance indefinitely. No end point. We never even had a relationship in order to base this on. It seems crazy to be even attempting a relationship. Yet when I climb into bed at night its his arms I wish it was his chest my head rested on, his arms around me.

I'm hesitant to call him my boyfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. We talk regularly. We laugh. We complain about how long its been since we've seen each other, taking comfort in the fact that the other feels the same way.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact our lives are kilometers apart. 682km. Can that distance be bridged?

We are tied together by threads.

Thread can be incredibly strong, or snap in an instant.




*note I originally wrote this a few weeks ago and am hoping that the snow has finally melted up there, however they are calling for some this weekend.

Bye Bye Lumberjack

Lumberjack and I are finished.

I'm actually surprised at how Okay I am. For the first time I told someone I was dating that their behaviour had upset me. I know its crazy that I had never done that before (at least not calmly....). But I haven't. I've always been afraid of their reaction. I've always thought they would react, well, just like Lumberjack did.

How did Lumberjack react?

Well his reply was "long distance is difficult," (like I wasn't aware of that) "this is the best I can do," (seriously....the BEST you can do) "maybe it would be better if you date someone locally." (at least that's not ambiguous).

He said he would call me later so we could finish our conversation. That was 2 weeks ago. I think I'm pretty safe that call is not coming.

Oddly enough this episode made me feel better about speaking up, not worse. In the past I have always let these things build until they either come exploding out at inopportune times or just wear away on my self esteem. This way I was able to say my piece and gave him a chance to say his. I was expecting more of an apology for leaving in the middle of the night and then not calling for a week. I wasn't expecting the end of a relationship that had barely gotten off the ground.

But there you have it. I am single once again, approaching the holiday season closely followed by a wedding that my plus one, is more then likely to be a plus zero.

Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.