Appalling Trend

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

1. High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
2. High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
3. A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
4. High School Crush :: Home Owners
5. Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
6. Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
7. The Youngen' :: 3+ years
   
8. J :: 3+ years
9. Lumberjack :: unknown
10. RC :: has yet to have next relationship
11. The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
12. Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

This Year's Girl

I can hardly fathom that it has been a month since I've posted. I have no real excuse other then the weather has hot and sunny and the dock calls my name every time I have some time to kill, and even then seeing as I own a laptop and have wireless internet, I could bring my computer down to the dock with me and be productive whist I tan. However I apparently don't want to! I just want to lay there and read or at most think about life and the mistakes I've made and what I can to learn from those. And how I can move forward again and stop this backward tailspin I've been in. I haven't yet discovered any easy answers. That because there are no easy answers there never has been easy answers and the older I get the less easy answers there seem to be.

I give into temptation a lot. A lot, a lot. And after I don't even feel all that guilty. Maybe I should. It used to be easy knowing what was right from what was wrong, but now the lines are blurry. Less black and white and way more grey. Although there are some things that I know are defiantly in the black category...

I am doing a very positive work related event tomorrow. My long time neighbour Mrs. A is taking me with her to the Muskoka Watershed Council meeting. I'll get to meet and greet with a lot of important people in Muskoka where the environment is concerned, and maybe just maybe a job or even a summer volunteer position may come out it. And that would be HUGE step forward. I may still live at home, and I may still have to serve to pay for my new car.

But at least I'll feel like I'm being productive.

I'm also taking a big step with J this weekend. We're going camping. I know that doesn't sound huge. But my good friend SK and her fiance just broke up (its okay, 3 of the 5 bridesmaids hated him...and I didn't know the other 2 well enough to ask their real feelings). And she and her new bf (yes its very quick, but that's my girl SK!) And it was just going to be me, SK, her new beau, and SK's little bro MK, who has had a hopeless crush on me for years. So I thought it time to bring J out into the world with me.

Gives me butterflies.

Again with the stupidness...

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.



Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.

. . . These Are The Day's Of My Life.

The decision has been made. I'm moving home. *sigh*

Sometimes this makes me feel like a big huge failure. 25 years old moving back in with my parents and little bother and sister. I haven't lived there since I was 18. I have to keep taking deep breaths in order to stave off the waves of panic.

What sealed my fate...two things really. The first being nothing came of my Windsor interview. The second being that as I walked around handing out resumes for a serving job I had to hold back tears. Literally.

I decided its time to regroup and refocus. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean other people seem to be able to get jobs. I've applied to almost 40 jobs in the last 2 months, and I've gotten two interviews...and you know I really thought I might have gotten that last one, because I did not want to move to Windsor. What kind of stupid logic is that? I finally get the job I've been looking for for 3 years and but only if its in a place I didn't really want to move to.

One more bonus about the move home is that my next door neighbour is a Councillor for the District of Muskoka and is looking into jobs/volunteer opportunities for me n the area. I am a little late for the job stuff...most summer positions hire in March, but you never know...I'm going to try to be cautiously optimistic.

I'm also going to be cautiously optimistic with Mr. Muskoka. Who will for now on be known by name. Jason. Or more commonly Jay...so the short from of J, is just so handy! There are still things I worry about, and there wasn't/still isn't any Zsa Zsa Zu. But there's something. I'm not sure what, maybe it won't be enough, maybe I'll run away like I've done before, or maybe I'll give it my all, and still get my heart broken like I've done before. But I won't know if I don't try. I've survived the heart break, and I know I won't survive the loneliness that comes with not trying.

And so I pack my car and look to future.

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass...

I often like to think of my life as a soap, and lately it really has been. It has everything necessary to make for a good soap....well maybe not a real soap, I'm not planning any murders nor am I pregnant with a baby with a less then certain paternity.

I have however amped up the boy drama, purchased a new car, only to loose my job 4 days later, and now must make the touch decision of whether to move home and get a new serving job, or stay in the city and get a new serving job. Or maybe just maybe, I'll get the job I just interviewed for yesterday and the decision will be made for me. Option number 3 is obviously my first choice... but I just can't figure out whether one or two would be better. Seeing as the idea of starting a new serving job makes my skin crawl...but I gots bills. Got to pay for my shiny new car!

Speaking of which. I am now the proud owner of a Brand-new-to-me 2000 Honda Civic Ex. But the important part is that it's Green and shiny and it doesn't leak gas, or oil and it tells me how fast I'm going...what a novel idea! It also came with nifty little device that allows me to lock and unlock the doors with the push of a button!

As for the boy drama. I'm down to one boy. Mr. Fashion has been given the boot, or well I think he just kind of got the hint. So it's just me and Mr. Muskoka now. And I have to say I'm starting to freak out.

I definitely do not want to be tied down, and well boyfriends do that. The job interview I went on was in Windsor, which is about 3 hours from where I live here, and consequently about 6 from Muskoka. He wasn't all to happy to hear that I may be moving that far away.

I have now complicated things by sleeping with him. I feel like such a guy. I want something kind of light and casual, but not promiscuous. I have enough on my mind worrying just about me, let alone adding someone else to the mix. But now I have. I'm worried he may be falling for me. At this moment I'm not falling for him...but it doesn't mean I won't but that possibility exists. Or maybe I'm totally overreacting. Believe me it wouldn't be the first time.

The P Word

I got the P word again last night.

What P word you ask?

Perfect.

As in You're "Perfect."

One might think that a girl would like to hear that. But one would be wrong. I've heard this before and let me tell you "Perfect" is hard to live up and definitely not me. Especially not when I'm not entirely sure that I want a relationship, or as my one male friend stated, stringing along two guys. (Which by the way I take a little exception to, I'm not stringing anyone along...no one has said anything about exclusivity!)

But as of last night Mr. Muskoka called me "perfect".

Uh Oh, is this the line that isn't supposed to be crossed when dating more then one person?Granted, Mr. Muskoka is pulling into the lead. I haven't seen Mr. Fashion in 2 weeks, although we did talk this week, and plan to hook up next week sometime.

Ahh the trials and tribulations of real life dating.

What am I talking about....this is fun! Except for the "perfect" part...something is going to have to be done about that.

One more thing!

How could I have possibly forgotten!

One more slip. I was at the dentist last week where we discussed how to straighten my front tooth that has turned as I haven't been wearing my retainer. Apparently yes you do need to wear them FOREVER in order to ensure the results of the braces I wore at 12.

So my Mom thought that this new type of retainer would be move my teeth around. But no, apparently not. The Dr. believes the only way to straighten it out, will be with a second round of braces....that's right Braces again, at 25!

Oh My God!

As it is no one believes that I'm 25, apparently I look more like 20 to 21. Which really I'm Okay with, however, with braces....average age of 18? That's really going to put a damper on the love life.

And speaking of Love Life, back when I was 12 I didn't have to worry about kissing or lets say other delicate parts that may come in contact with my mouth full of metal.

hmmm.

At least Mr. Muskoka said he'd still kiss me even if I had braces. *sigh*

Green Thai Curry Chicken

Green Thai Curry Chicken. The dinner Mr. Muskoka promised to make me my next trip home.

He did and it was delicious! I drove out his place where there was wine, and all the ingredients lined up waiting for me to arrive. I drank he cooked, I did help with some chopping, oh and I take full credit for the rice! (I am such the talented chef!!)

We had some of the cheesey moments that occur, you know a certain song comes on, and he spun me around the Kitchen. I have to say I loved it.

Then there was the small town oddities that always arise. Seeing as I haven't lived full time in a small town for awhile I totally forget how things are.

After the sledding trip I saw Mr. Muskoka's Mom before I left, who then saw my Mom at the Dentist office, and mentioned that her son had taken me out. So much for trying to keep a low profile. Also his cousin lived with my ex BF when we first started dating. Which his other cousin promptly told him.

I don't think it was too awkward for him. I don't know if he ever met C. It is possible. I know he'd been up to Muskoka...hmmm.

Anyway the rest of the evening was wonderful. We ate and talked. And then we moved over to the couch.

Thats when the fun really began. I left around 2am. But wow did I want to stay over. But I've never been that girl and will likely never be, also it is difficult as my parents kind of expect me to be home.

So this weekend I'll be seeing him again. Going fishing. Apparently he knows a place where we can catch some lunkers...I'll believe it when I see it, because thus far in my life, I've only caught Rock Bass about as big as my hand.

As for Mr. Fashion we haven't spoken in a week. Maybe that ran its course...I'm not sure. But I know Muskoka is pulling ahead.

Playing the Field

Ahh my weekend off.

Seeing as my work mostly sucks, especially with the drama that is constantly going on. I needed a weekend off to relax and be with real friends who I can be myself with. Not people that I have to hid part of myself from. So I begged and pulled some strings and got Saturday night and Sunday off. (Don't you love the fact that a weekend off for me is Saturday night and Sunday?)

Originally I was going to go to Peterborough, and celebrate St. Pats and a girlfriends 25th birthday. But plans changed, and I headed North to Muskoka. Where my weekend took an unexpected but very fun twist.

The evening started out with the Leafs game and a few beers at a friends place and eventually to the Pub. It was a great night full of my Muskoka friends a lots of beers. To top it off its Muskoka in the winter and therefore there was a total of 5 girls in the bar with ohh lets say 20 guys...and me being the only single lady...well here's the story.

Around Christmas I was at this same pub with some friends of mine when I had an unexpected connection with a guy there that nothing really came of as I headed back to the city and haven't seen him since then, until last Saturday night.

Many beers were drank friends were caught up with. Then before I knew it, it was almost 3am and we were being kicked out of the bar, they actually turned the lights out on us. And that's when things got interesting. Me, and Mr. Muskoka were pashing in the dark in a pub I used to manage!

The next day he gave me a call and out we went on his sled. He meant to take me to these ice caves on Rosseau, but being how late in the year it was the ice caves were kind of melted.We hit all the big lakes, Joe, Rosseau, Muskoka, up to Bass Lake for a drink.

Then we stopped on a sunny point got off then sled and kissed a little more. Nothing like doing a little kissing lying on a snow bank bundled up in all your snow gear!

So now...I'm apparently dating two guys? How did this happen? Again I'm just going to go with it. Mr. Muskoka clearly lives in Muskoka, and is the kind of guy who can build anything, and is currently building a home for himself. He can cook and wants to cook me dinner next time I'm up North. I've known him my whole life, but never really knew him.

Mr. Fashion on the other hand is a total city boy. And can show me things I've never seen.

I'll just see where it all goes. Who knows. The decision may not necessarily be as hard as I think. We shall see and for now. I'm playing the field!