Closing the Book on RC

Remember this guy?

RC

The boy who last year had me all twitterpated.

Steadily my interest has been falling. I waited for him to open up, to talk to me without needing some liquid courage. To even muster of the confidence to ask me for my phone number (or get it from our mutual friends...I'm not picky as to how he got procession of those 10 numbers).

He didn't.

After several kissing sessions I friended him on facebook.

After at least two (mostly platonic) sleepovers he still wasn't responding the way I had hoped. So I let him drift. He was just a friend and I? Well I was tangled up with the Lumberjack.

A few weeks ago there was a party.

RC came into town. I was months deep into a dry spell that had no end in sight (little did I know...). He was into the rye, I was enjoying some beers. The only other cute boy at the party just adopted a puppy with his gf (isn't that always the way). When the time came to go home, I invited him back to my apartment (this was rather more embarrassing then usual as my downstairs neighbour happened to be the cab driver who picked us up).

Things progressed as they are wont to do. Only it wasn't...well good.

It wasn't bad per se...but even in my beer soaked hadn't kissed a boy in months state, I knew it wasn't good.

We fell asleep. No pillow talk. No snuggling.

We woke up. He stated my dog snored (she does) I joked "so do you" (that at least got a little smile).

He dressed. Said he was going to go see what his buddies were up to.

No number exchange. No kiss goodbye.

Worst of all. He said "get away fucker" to Gaia, my 10lb puppy as she chased him around my room in the morning ecstatic to have someone new to play with.

That moment.

That moment there is when I realized, despite my previous desires this boy was not the boy for me.

Men. Men. Men.

I hate it when I start to feel that the only thing we/I talk about is men, relationships or the lack thereof. I feel like I'm an independent type girl..er...woman (I mean I've been living on my own for the last 7 years and have managed to keep myself alive). I have a serious quiet side that is prominent during school days, and I have a fun silly let loose side that pops out once in awhile when I'm with my good friends.

I used to feel like I would make a great girlfriend, and most days I still do. But now I'm not so sure that is necessarily what I want. Sure I want someone to be my "Best Friend with Benefits" I want someone to share my life with, good times and the bad, I may even want to start a family one day (!) But I don't want to deal with all the games.

And dating, my friends, is all about the games.

Even if you don't think you're playing you are.

Take Lumberjack, who I haven't heard from since the hairy legs incident (well he did call the day after with a cursory, I had a good time blah blah blah). I've reached a conclusion that I somehow disappointed him by "giving in" to him. That he in fact, wanted me to say no. Or this could be my female mind working overtime and the truth is that he is just a flake who bailed.

I may never know...or maybe I'll find out in 2 weeks as he may or may not be in attendance at an engagement party of our mutual friends (my mute Ex Account has RVSP's yes...so the night may be more interesting then I want).

What else brought this on?

He's Just Not That Into You. I watched it over the weekend and was disappointed. I was hoping for another Love Actually type movie, something that is inspiring and the proves that love exists in many forms. Instead I found it kind of insulting. Like as a women my only goal in life is to get married. It seemed to reinforce stereotypes that I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without a guy (Okay, one lady ended up being the better off alone type) Aside from the basic points included in the book:

If he's not:

• calling you
• marrying you
• sleeping with you

he's just not that into you.

All of which seem so very obvious when you're not in the midst of said relationship. I was disheartened and turned off the dating scene entirely.

*ahem*

So here to focusing on the task at hand. School and surviving this hellish month otherwise known as March.

Blownaway

**Over the holidays I have been away from blogging. However I started many posts as these events played out. So instead of creating one outlandishly long post I will finish said previously started so you can read along with the suspense I felt while living them.**

Middle of December

I am not an organized person. I am always about 10 minutes late, this is something I hate about myself. My parents were always 10 minutes late so I guess I came by it honestly, but this does not lessen the fact that I am constantly finding myself scrambling around at the last minute.

So as usual I was scrambling around trying to get to Bulk Barn so that I could by the necessary ingredients for the Christmas treats I was creating for an upcoming Christmas party. Just as I was about to shove me feet into my boots and shut off the lights my phone rings. I expect it to be PhD and grab the phone to take with my on my excursion (it was her party, she could hear me complain about the rain that I had to shop in to get the goodies). But it wasn't her name on the call display. It was Lumberjack's.


What?

Wait? Should I answer this call? I stared at the phone with my mouth open until I recognized from the ring tone that his call was about to be sent to voicemail.

I flipped my phone open and said hello.

He was very casual at first, like it hadn't a month since we last spoke on the phone, and even longer since he left my bed early one morning never to return.

I just went with the flow. Saying what I'd been up too, and how our mutual friends were doing (I see a lot more of them then he does). After an awkward pause he started to apologize. He said he never intended for that to have been the last night we saw each other. That he liked talking and spending time with me. That he hadn't been seeing anyone else while we were together (which lead me to believe that he'd seen someone since the break-up but that has never been confirmed or denied, or even asked about).

He said he thinks I'm an amazing girl and that he wasn't sure if he could give me what I want, or that he deserved me. (I hate Hate HATE when people think they know what I want without asking or think they aren't good enough for me....let me make my own decisions thank-you very much!)

Apparently the idea of spending Halloween watching scary movies and drinking red dyed drinks with our mutual friends was too couplely for him and instead of telling me that he bailed. For me meeting each others personal friends is much more couplely then hanging with your mutual ones...but that is not the point. The point is he bailed without an explanation, and then avoided me (my opinion) or we couldn't connect (his opinion).

He apologized a lot and sounded very sincere. He thanked me for answering the call, and asked if he could call me again.

I said yes. Have a Merry Christmas.

He said I'll call you before then.

I hung up the phone sat on the couch and immediately sent our mutual friends a WTF text.

Then I remembered I still needed to get candies for the party and was now even later then ever.

1 week later...

The lumberjack called last night and left a message:

"Hey its Lumberjack, I'm just finishing the worst week of my life and am driving to Toronto. Give me a call" [then he left his number, like he thinks I've already forgotten?]

I didn't call right away. I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts together and was mentally prepared to actually tell him what I needed. It may not sound hard to do, but for me, the eternal peacekeeper, I like to see other people happy and at times this comes at my expense.

When I did call, he didn't answer. Very anti-climatic I know. I didn't leave a message. He has call display.

And whats with "the worst week of my life." Am I now supposed to feel guilty because I was mad at him? Does this excuse him from his bad behaviour? Shouldn't he have wanted to talk to me during this bad week?

I didn't have the best week myself: My beloved computer got a virus. Luckily I quickly realized I was inept at fixing this problem, and took it to the professionals. Four days and $80 later I got it back. I bounced my rent cheque. Not good. Not good at all. Luckily I think I realized this before my landlord and was able to provide a new cheque that will clear before they had to ask me about it. Unfortunately I got charged $42 for Insufficient funds. (which for someone who didn't have the money to clear the original cheque can't really afford). So now I have exactly $105.36 in my bank account to last me until Nov 28th when I will receive another paycheque too small to cover rent.

Student loans here I come.

Also during my bad week the boy I was hoping to possibly turn into a bf disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.

The Unexpected

Many things in life can be unexpected. Surprise parties. Promotions. A kind word. A harsh word. A car accident. Marriage proposals. A sweet smile.

Or unexpected reactions to situations.

This has been a long cool wet spring full of unexpected reactions and self realizations.

Two months ago I was in attendance at a Stag & Doe. Which is in and of itself not an uncommon event. However this particular Stag & Doe was thrown by the Best Man, also not uncommon, one might say it is even expected. The Best Man threw this Stag & Doe for his best friend in their home town and invited the out of towners to crash at his house. All this may very well seem to fit into the realm of the perfectly ordinary. This Best Man is also my Ex Accountant. The Ex whom I had not spoken to once since I, in tears, walked out of his apartment two years ago. The Ex who replied “Did you call about a parking permit?” when I said “I love you.” The Ex who said “I don’t miss you when you’re gone.” The Ex who pretended to have forgotten our anniversary when in fact he had remembered it, but chose not to acknowledge or spend it with me.

The town these boys call home is 350km from my cabin in the forest, thus qualifying me as an out of towner.

One might ask: Why go?

It is an exceptionally long way to travel, with the added expense of a hotel room once arrived. Clearly staying at his place was not an option. I can answer that question with one word.

Bridesmaid.

I had known this day was coming for a long time. From the moment my dear friend asked me to be a part of her day, I knew I would no longer be able to pretend the year (exactly) I had spend with my Ex Accountant had never happened. That I would have to face him and all those who knew us when we were together. I had been able to avoid this entirely for the first year after our break up as the only friends we held mutually were safely living on the entire other side of the world in Australia. These friends returned from Australia one year ago, engaged, and I for the first time in a year I really dealt with the loss of a relationship that spanned a very transitional year in my life.

I thought I was prepared for any possible reaction or situation resulting from once again laying eyes on this man. The realization I was still in love. The stabbing pain in my stomach when I saw him with his new lady. Him realizing he had let me go too easily. A dramatic scene complete with tears and raised voices. Or the reaction I was most hoping for….nothing. A hello, maybe a hug, a how are things going for you? And once the ice was broken, maybe we could pretend to be friends for long enough that eventually we stopped pretending. I mean we shared a year together, clearly we had something in common.

Well I got what I wanted.

Nothing.

However the nothing I got and the nothing defined above are very different.

Arriving at the hall I was very nervous. I was at the disadvantage. This was his town, these were his friends, he had planned the whole thing. Even as part of the bridal party I felt out of place. Like I was crashing a party I had every reason, no, a duty to attend.

I was received as a stranger. The people I had spent a year of my life with didn’t seem to recognize me. My Ex himself did not attempt to speak with me. When I approached him with an offer to help tidy up, he turned me away.

I don’t need to be friends with him. Thankfully, when I did lay eyes on him, aside from the shock of physically seeing him, I had no residual feelings. I just do not want to feel that way at the wedding. I do not want to feel like that at the rehearsal dinner, which by the way, coincides with my Twenty-Seventh Birthday. [Yes I have to spend my 27th with a man who would rather pretend I no longer existed.]

I just don’t understand that sort of behaviour.

Unfortunately I will be attending this wedding unescorted. That’s right dateless. I don’t think its appropriate to bring a “non-significant other” to a wedding in which I’m a part of leaving the poor guy to amuse himself while I’m with the ladies getting ready, while pictures are being taken, while I’m sitting at the head table and he is sitting somewhere else. So like in so many other situations, I will be arriving unaccompanied.

As time goes on, I am beginning to be more comfortable with that.

"Spring" = Twitterpaition

I've waited to post this until I was less twitterpaited. Otherwise I may have declared my undying love for Mr. Rubik's Cube (RC). Hmmm. It seems I may have just done so anyway.


A couple of weeks ago I went to visit RC and my mutual friends. I had some business in the city in which they live, and it was PhD's bf's birthday. Perfect time for the second meeting.


I have to admit I was excited when I found out he was coming. I was extra excited when I found out he originally wasn't coming but changed his mind when he heard that I was.


Over the course of the weekend I found out more tid bits of info that mean he and I are meant to be. That's right I said it.



*For example, he's a Star Wars fan. I am too. There I said it out loud. I love Star Wars. Not in a dress-up-in-costumes-and-act-out-scenes kind of way but more of a I just-really-liked-the-movies-and-possibly-may-have-read-post-movies-books kind of way. Whereas the Ex Accountant needed me to "explain" the movies to him. Um, they're movies, that children understand.


*His last name and my last name begin with the same letter therefore if we get married (whoa who knew I could be 'this' girl?) my initials won't change. I am kind of partial to my initials over the course of the past 26 years I have developed a way of intertwining them that I enamored with.


*His parents live in a small town about a 1/2 hour from where my parents bought their future retirement home. Why is this important? Well I hate the idea of switching out holidays. As in this Christmas with the in-laws, next Christmas with my family. With everyone so close we can see both sides of the family ("the family" who is 'this' girl).


Clearly I am slightly crazy. I will blame it on the fact that spring and summer came and went in one week, and apparently winter is back. And he will never know about this ever. Because while I think its fine for me to list such important things, I would totally freak if I heard he was too.


Seeing as it had been 2 months since I had last seen him, and since summer is approaching, and come summer my schedule is "unpredictable." I decided something had to happen to move this little infatuation along. Throw into the mix, that he is the shyest guy I have come across in a long time and that PhD's house is a zoo (Seriously 5 people and 3 dogs!) well I had to take matters into my own hands.


The opportunity presented itself when he offered to walk me to bed. (Walk me to bed huh? All the way upstairs and down the hall, what a gentleman.) I accepted as it would be the first (an only) time we were alone all weekend. As we were standing at the door to the spare/my room he was looking at me in a way I was completely unable to read. And since I liked him and had had my share of delicious homemade wine that night I kissed him.


And...He spent the night with me.


We kissed some more, but didn't go farther then that. I can't when I really like someone, I need it to mean something. I need to know he wants to be with me not just with someone. And that was the look in his eyes I couldn't read.


Did he want to be with me? Did he want to see me again? Or did he just want to spend the night with me?


It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know.


That's right. The RC did not ask for my number. He did say I see you again since you're moving here now. (Which is true. I will most likely be moving to PhD's city, but not until September and I kind of wanted to see him before that). He may have tried to kiss me when we dropped him at the bus station. I can't be sure. I know I was going in for a check kiss so I may have thwarted his attempts.


All I get from PhD is that yes he likes me but a) he's shy (and here I thought I made it clear I liked him, maybe I didn't) and b) he apparently had a run in with a "mean girl."


Some of my friends think I should give up. And part of me thinks this is valid. I don't want to be with a guy whose too shy to ask for my number. I'm not worried about his "mean girl" from the past. I have also been damaged by boys who were less then careful with my heart. And he is the first guy in 3 years (yes 3 years) that I have been this interested in.


Maybe I'll get to know him better and the infatuation will go away, or maybe it will grow. Maybe I'll one day be Mrs. RC or maybe I'm setting my heart up for more damage.


Most of the fun is waiting to see how it plays out ;o)

"The Good Boy"

The Right Wrong Boy

Or I suppose the Good Bad Boy.

That is what I think I'm looking for. Easy to find?

Nope.

See the problem is that I am attracted to the Wrong/Bad boy. ( I stubbornly refuse to call them men, at least until they start acting like men). I like to overly confident cocky type guys. You know those guys that walk the walk and talk the talk. I like to knock them down a few pegs (gently of course). In the way that makes them take notice, the guys that never had to work for girls and suddenly do. Think teenage romantic comedies where the popular quarterback falls for the slightly geeky but still cute unpopular girl (In this scenario that girl is me).

It's not that I don't like the "good boys". I just have never dated a "good boy." I think I may be too much for them. I used to be shy, almost painfully so. But now I've found that being shy doesn't get you what you want, what is does get you is a reputation for being aloof (fancy word for bitchy). So I'm overcoming/overcame it.

Maybe it's a late 20's thing, but I like science geeky self and refuse to be someone I'm not. And the person I am is sometimes loud, opinionated, and very well aware of what I want out of a relationship. By being "well aware" I mean as well as any single girl who's frightened of commitment is aware. Or well more accurately being abandoned after committing.

I happened to come across one such "good boy" in my travels, the other weekend. Unbelievably he is both single, and older then me. You know age starts becoming a problem, when one of your bestie's asks "And how old is this one?" The emphasis old. I could just see Kyfa cringing on the other end of the phone waiting for my standard reply of well, I think he's about....21, but you know a very mature 21. However now worries this time, this one will be turning 28 sometime this calender year.

He's cute, has a good job, has an apartment downtown, as in doesn't live with his parents (double standard I know, but seriously, both of us can't live with are parents!), he plays guitar (well) and get this, can solve Rubik's Cube puzzles. Seriously. I watched. Then I messed it up a little and tried to solve it myself. However in the process of "solving" the puzzle I muddled it up in a way that was seemingly hopeless. That is until I handed it over, and in about 5 minutes, he had all those frustrating little square of colour back on their respective sides.

It was this feat solely that cemented this crush. Therefore should we one day be married, I have a wonderful little anecdote for the wedding! The trick now is get this "good boy" to stiffen his back bone and ask me out!

This "good boy" does have drawbacks and they include.

(a) He lives downtown, as in TO. I currently live 2 hours from there. That can make casual dating difficult, as one of us has to drive 2 hour for said fictional dates.

(b) When I say "one of us" I mean me, as he doesn't own a car. (This however is perfectly acceptable in the metropolis of Toronto, so more of an annoyance, then a real drawback)
(c) I met him through a good friend. Warning Cynical thoughts: Should things progress to a certain point, but then fizzle or worse crash, I may have to run into him again. Seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, I don't really want another. On the other hand, seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, what's one more?
(d) He hasn't actually asked me out. (I have it on good authority, it's not because "He's just not that into me" as he told my friend's boyfriend that he was into me)

As it stands now, there is no immediate future plans to see him again. Our mutual friend, Shki, does not live close to either of us, but has promised to casually mention me when she does see him.

Again with the stupidness...

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.



Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.

Easy to Catch Hard to Keep

Hmmmm.

Dating two boys at the same time can be a little stressful.

Trying to see both of them equally. Which is incredibly hard when one of them lives two hours away.

Things with Fashion have been moving along, and yet not moving along. I spent most of last night hanging out at his place. We watched a movie and snuggled on the couch, but we have yet to really kiss each other.

Seriously though the goatee its a little bit scratchy. How do you deal with that with someone you don't know all that well, and it does look kind of cute. Its a tough spot.

Sunday was also the infamous 3rd date. Now I don't know that it works in reality that the 3rd date is the traditional night that you sleep together. I was however invited to stay the night.

I declined.

Here's where I get all girly and worried about feelings and maybe I'm not as into him as he is to me. He called yesterday morning just to say hey and that he had a good time the other night. He called this morning to say he was able to rent the movie we had originally planned to watch on Sunday but it was out.

I didn't answer.

So maybe I'm not acting girly, but guy-y.

I will call him back later today. He wanted to get together after my soccer game...but then there's me thinking, I've already seen you 3 times this week. Back off give me a little time to adjust.

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me? I spend a lot of nights alone in bed wishing for that connection. And here's a guy, a nice cute guy and me making excuses not to see him.

Maybe I don't want things to go to far with Fashion while I'm waiting to see what could happen with Muskoka?

Mr. Muskoka and I have a date this Friday night. Maybe this will help to settle my mind.