Appalling Trend

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

1. High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
2. High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
3. A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
4. High School Crush :: Home Owners
5. Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
6. Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
7. The Youngen' :: 3+ years
   
8. J :: 3+ years
9. Lumberjack :: unknown
10. RC :: has yet to have next relationship
11. The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
12. Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

Deleted

I have finally deleted A Certain Ex from my cell phone.

In a moment of strength I realized enough was enough. And while in the past his number had proven invaluable to me, that is no longer true. There will always be another way, someone else, someone better to call.

In the past month I have come to realize the man who meant the world to me for 4 years is no longer that man. He is hardly a shadow of that man. For four years we dated and it went from fabulous to much less then not good. For four years after that we, well I don’t know what we were really. For a while we were nothing. I was in another serious relationship, but when that relationship ended he was there for me when my girlfriends couldn’t be.

I now think he took advantage of me while I was fragile and lonely. I don’t think it was his intention, but it was the outcome.

In a way I still loved him. I suppose a part of me will always love the man he used to be, and our unwritten fairytale.

But I’m growing up, and as they say its time to put away childish things.

So to avoid unnecessary temptation he has been removed from my cell phone, and therefore my life, if not in a physical way, the most literal way I can.

Again with the stupidness...

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.



Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.

Mothers Don't Get To Choose

Mothers don't get to choose....

How do you answer that?

Seriously...how do you answer that?

After a very fun afternoon of cross country skiing with the ladies, I head back to party central. Party Central is where my married friends GK and TK just bought a cottage, therefore there are many well wishers. These well wishers include S's parents.

Just as TK is going to give some of us a tour, S and L arrive, and L comes on the tour with us, and "the parents." In a quite minute I find myself alone with S's mom, who looks at L and then at me and says "Mothers don't get to choose."

Seriously...how do you answer that?

At this point I don't remember what I said. There was much red wine drank over the course of the evening. Actually I probably just gave her a small sad smile. Because what do you say....

You're son's a lying bastard, and I gave him every chance in the world. I don't think so.

I'm actually pretty proud of my small sad smile...because my gut reaction was to burst into tears, and tell her to force her son into seeing what he's really missing...and again, I don't think so.

Mother's don't get to choose.

Seriously...how do you answer that?

Weekend Plans

My weekend plans hung in the balance today. If a certain hockey team won, I had the weekend off, and I was travelling home to visit friends and family, and go to a huge party Saturday night. If a certain hockey team lost, I'd have to work the next two days and not see friends and family, or go to a huge party Saturday night.

Weird huh? But that's how it goes when you work in a hockey bar during playoffs.

I however couldn't figure out which way I wanted it to go for one particular reason....S 'n L (Unfortunately not an abbreviation for Saturday Night Live). I believe as previously mentioned, I am not a fan of L, mostly due to the fact that she's a liar and a thief, but also due to her "interesting" relationship with S. To be honest I not sure how much I like S most of the time, as he's also a liar, so maybe they were made for each other.

Anyway moving on...

So this party is being thrown by mutual friends of S's and I. So obviously we'll both be there, however he'll be bringing L. So for awhile I was hoping for a loss so that none of us could go to said party and I would not have to deal with the awkwardness, that may or may not arise ( but I'm going with will, as well she's a bitch as can't help herself apparently, even though she was super sweet to me tonight, but that was fake, because she's just a big fat faker...yep I'm 7)

In the end my certain hockey team won with at whopping 5-0 score and so, party bound I am.

We shall see what happens next.

I have been told by a reliable source, that my northern friends are not fans of L. Which does make me feel better, as I'm the one they'd rather be out with. Hurray for me!

Ahh whatever its pretty clear the S I remember is just that a memory...a bittersweet memory.

Stay tuned for updates on just how interesting/awkward/fun/eventful/nauseating/and downright drunk this weekend is.

Dreams

I woke up this morning incredibly pissed off at S. For what reason you may ask....I honestly can't tell you. That's right, he did something in my dream to make me mad. And now I'm mad in real life.

Weird how that works eh?

I don't like it at all. I woke up in a bad mood, angry and largely confused, while I tried to figure out exactly why I was feeling such animosity towards S.

Now I'm a little more calm, and understand that really my feelings are ungrounded. That while S was his usual crusty self yesterday, he did nothing to actually cause me to want to hit him like I did upon waking up.

It does work the other way though too. I've woken up in great moods from great dreams, that try as I might to have again, or to go back into, it just doesn't work. At least the sense of euphoria can hold for a little while...well that is until I go out into the real world and deal with the idiots.

So here's hoping for a happy dream tonight, something that leaves me warm and fuzzy while I travel commuter hell to downtown TO.

Back Online!

So its a new year, and I've finally decided to actually pay for the internet and will now have it reliably! Whoo hoo, it's so annoying to be unconnected. Along with the new year comes such things like New Year's Resolutions. What is it about this day that causes millions of people to join gyms and try to quite smoking on January 1? What ever it is here is my list of things to do for 2007!

1. Drink more water. (this is kind of a cheating one, as it was my only resolution last year, which I did really well on until about August...time for take two)

2. Find a real job. (no more serving, it pays the bills, but I really I think I'm much too educated and much to old to keep on wearing the apron)

3. To stop sleeping with a certain ex. (So far I have an A+ here! :) )

Since the holidays I've had so many great blog ideas but now most of those interesting issues have found resolutions, but I think I'll post about them anyway over the next few days/weeks, just in case my next few weeks are not as interesting/exciting/frustrating as the last few were!

More Optimistic

So I'm trying to be more optimistic these days. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. The main problem is that my ex is dating someone new, and we have to work together. Its not that I want him back, at least not now. But some part of me kind of always thought that one day when we were older that maybe one day we'd be on again. But its looking like maybe not. So that upset me a little, but really it was the fact that it took him over a month to tell me and that i had to force it out of him. This following so closely on our pact that if we were going to be friends again, and work together again, we'd be completely honest with each other. Apparently he's unable to this for me, hence the reason that at this point in time I do not want to attempt another relationship with him. However, he was the last of my close friends who was single, and when your friends are in a relationship well you loose a little of them. And really how selfish is it of me to be mad at my friends for being happy? So I'm gonna try to be happy for him. But at the same time I'm a little sad for me.