That Big Mountain Feeling

I choose to be happy.







This has been my mandate for the year 2008. Sometimes this is remarkably easy to do. Other times, nearly impossible.

The entire premise is based upon the fact that we have the tendency to see the worst in people, expect the worse, and in general assume bad things are going to happen to you. Basically you end up sweating the small stuff that really there is no reason to worry about. I mean why worry about something that might not ever happen? Or why let a bad mood ruin an otherwise wonderful night with friends? I know I have. Once I’m down in the dumps it can be hard to get out of, it’s so horribly easy to dwell on the bad stuff and then let it snowball out in disproportionately gigantic, implausible "what ifs".

So instead I choose to not worry. To not dwell. To remove myself from situations, that makes that impossible. Take a deep breath and remember the feeling I had zooming down Big Mountain over my NYE holiday.

It all sounds so very Zen, and grown-up. I pat myself on the back at how responsible and enlightened I have become. Why to go Me!

And yet, I am not on speaking terms with one of my co-workers (I don't know why, but my iPod gets me through the day). I still choose the wrong men (sometimes I even choose the same wrong man repeatedly). I still dream incessantly that my real life will start any day now.

Maybe the first step is to realize I have control of how I feel on a day to day basis. Then you work on making decisions that allow to just be happy, not to have to choose to be happy.


However this new ablitly of mine. It really does work wonders. I smile a lot more. And who doesn't want to smile more?

Hindsight

They say that hindsight is 20/20. And I think that they are right. As I look back on the year 2007, there are somethings I am not proud of. Things I don't like to even admit to myself. However there are good things too. This was a year of 2 steps forward and 1 step back.




I finally found that job I've been questing after to 3 years, only to be bored and frustrated by it at the moment (or maybe a little less the job and more the people, yeah its the people). It's also frustrating that said dream job does not quite pay a wage that would let me live in my own place own my car and from time to time go out for fun. So I am living in my childhood bedroom, in the town I worked so hard to get out of. More frustrating is that while my 2 of my good friends did move back to Canada one is in Calgary, and the other is in Toronto (who I can luckily usually see at least once a month), but my friends here in town, have suddenly it seems become grown-ups. All are married or engaged, and all have small children or have recently announced pregnancies. And all seem to forget that I have moved back to town regardless of the fact that I have been here for 8 months now. They throw dinner parties. And I can't help but wonder if I wouldn't be so easily forgotten if I was part of a couple.




Its a weird time of life to suddenly look around and notice I am the last single person I know. No more nights out with the girls, on the prowl for the next hot guy in your life. They've all found theirs. And now I have no wing-woman. I also live in Bala a lovely town of 500 where I've either known every guy here since we were two, or already dated them, or have dated their best friends. One of my resolutions is to start dating again...somehow. I may be enticed to try the whole internet dating thing. I know it seems desperate, but I know two couples who hooked up that way. But then again, while the thought of a serious relationship seems comforting one minute, makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic the next.




Maybe that's why relationships are things you enter into gradually. Well most people do...are at least I do. I like my independence. I like it a lot. I hate having to ask people for help. Hate Hate Hate. It might be more that I'm afraid of asking and getting 'No' for an answer. But I suppose, in the past, that was me asking the wrong person.




This year in 2008, many of my resolutions are repeats of last year (The one step back). And some are more forward thinking, like taking this job and making it work for me, so I can get THE job that allows me an appartment, my car, some savings and a little fun money - a single girl always deserves her fun money!

Forever Young

I have found the secret to looking young forever!

Seeing as we are just entering the stage where you notice that you might, just might be getting older - but still far far away from old. I bet you want to know so you can rush out and get it right away.

Think Again.

Braces.

EE. That close up makes them look worse then they actually are.

There. That's not SO bad. But still, braces at 26.... Twenty-Six.

And its not like I didn't have them before, and I'm getting them now because I can finally afford it, and have always wanted them. Nope. I didn't wear my retainer long enough. 6 years apparently is NOT long enough....they actually mean forever.

Do they really expect you to wear them out of you teens. I already wear glasses, and if slipping into something more comfortable was glasses and a retainer...well lets just say I would likely remain single for a looong time.

Let all the children know the horror of getting braces re-cemented on you precious pearly-whites in your *gasp* late twenties.

Aside from the pain. And oh yes did they ever hurt, more this time then last I swear. No solid food for at least a week a month. Not to mention the fact that there's rough metal "bracelets" glued to the outside of your teeth, to say my lips/cheeks were irritated, would be a huge understatement. I didn't go anywhere without my trusty relief wax. (As if working in a science lab, being in 2 books clubs didn't qualify me as a geek already)

Until now, I've always liked looking younger then I am. But now the difference is a little too pronounced. I stay away from dating at the moment. I mean, I look like jail bait to the guys my age, and seriously, I didn't kiss boys the first time I had braces, so do I really want to see how that works out now?

Great White Winter

I thought I'd remind you what winter in Muskoka really means:

I set my alarm 1/2 and hour early so I can look outside and decide exactly when I have to get up in order to have enough time to clean my car off and get to work. (That's 5:30am, and today, I should have gotten up then....). But I didn't. It didn't look so bad out, just about 10cms of snow...and whats 10cms of snow to a True Muskoka Girl? I go about my morning routine and get out to my car just almost 10mins early.

Plenty of time to clean the car off and get to the first stop on the car pool chain.

Nope.

Under that 10cms of snow was a good 1/2cm of ice. Strong thick ICE. The drivers door wouldn't open, so I had to crawl in from the back. Oh I was graceful, with my purse, my lunch, my travelling tea, and my by rapidly cooling toast with peanut butter.

I got my car turned on with the heat and rear defrost blasting, grabbed my snow brush and got ready to buckle down. Try as I might, I could not scrap that ice. The plastic edge of the scaper would bump along the ice, moving nothing. I figure I'm a strong Muskoka girl, this won't stop me, and I put a little muscle into it.

Mistake.

I may be strong, but my ice scraper is not. It broke. Useless piece of crap.

I run back into the house to get my Mom's key's to use her scraper. This time I know better then to break out SuperGirl. Luckily its been almost 10 mins and the heat from the inside is starting to work. After after about 10 more minutes, I feel like victory is mine. I can see out the front and back! I run my Mom's keys back into the house. Head back to the car only to realize...I hadn't scraped the side windows. After a valiant attempt, I clear the front windows, but give the rears up as a lost cause.

This is when my Dad shows up, scraps the passenger rear, and declares my car road worthy, but please he says, go the long way down the road so you don't have to make the illegal left, over a snow bank.

Fair Enough. Or so I thought.

My road was not yet plowed. And that baby hill just past my house, proved to be too much for my poor little Civic.

I was stuck.

Back and forth I rocked trying to get up that god damn hill. Each time a little closer. But never enough. Finally a snow plow coming the other way clears a one way path.

With some slipping and sliding I make may my way to the cleared road.

Finally, I'm on the highway, which was in surprisingly good shape, and I'm only about 20-25mins behind.

I'm quite tired of the snow already. It could stop snowing now. I'd be happy. But it is still snowing now. And it will still be snowing tonight and tomorrow, and what seems like til the end of time.

So now the Big question is: How much longer til spring?

This is when my Dad shows up, scraps the passenger rear, and declares my car road worthy, but please he says, go the long way down the road so you don't have to make the illegal left, over a snow bank.

Fair Enough. Or so I thought.

My road was not yet plowed. And that baby hill just past my house, proved to be too much for my poor little Civic.

I was stuck.

Back and forth I rocked trying to get up that god damn hill. Each time a little closer. But never enough. Finally a snow plow coming the other way clears a one way path.

With some slipping and sliding I make may my way to the cleared road.

Finally, I'm on the highway, which was in surprisingly good shape, and I'm only about 20-25mins behind.

Only.

So. I'm quite tired of the snow already. It could stop snowing now. I'd be happy. But it is still snowing now. And it will still be snowing tonight and tomorrow, and what seems like til the end of time.

So now the Big question is: How much longer til spring?

Ajusting

mmmm. I thought i would have a lot to say once I found the the time to get back into my blogging routine. But now that I'm trying I realize that there is much to say, and I'm not sure of the words to say them with.



I've been absent mainly due to one person. My oldest friend made it back to Canada in the middle of August, and my time was willing monopolized by her while she was here, what little time I had that was not spent at either of my jobs or her was spent with her. We actually started joking that we were each other significant others (I'm not sure how that made her actual fiance feel...but as he was in Oz, he didn't get a say). People would ask me if she and I could come to dinner, and sometimes the answer was, ooooo , Monday...we're busy then, how about Tuesday?

Tomorrow she flies back to the other side of the world. Where she has a "flat", a fiance, a car, a job, and plans to have baby. Yep a baby. I'm not quite ready for her to have a baby. I need my friends to get married and then plan a baby. But she's having trouble planning a wedding, from the other side of the world, for people from Canada and Scotland. So since they are not planning a wedding they've decided to have a baby. Because otherwise they'd be just be living and working in Oz. (What do they think the rest of us are doing?) No matter where you are everyone is living and working. So I'm adjusting. My girl will likely be having a baby sometime in the next year, and doing it in Oz. Where I won't be able to see her belly grow, feel the baby move, see her glow, or the baby when he/she arrives. I'm adjusting. There's pictures and email, and blogs, and web cams, and the old fashioned telephone.

So I'm adjusting. I'm going to miss her, a lot. I already do.

... in 27 Days.

Another birthday. Another year older. Makes you wonder and reflect on things of the past. there are so many things that I wish I didn't do, and so many things I wish I did. But I don't know if changing what I did in the past would change what is now. I don't know that I would want to change what is now.

At times I am happier then I've ever been. At times I still can still feel so lonely. I think that's true probably of everyone. We cycle.

At least I know I still look good. Not one of those over the hill 26 year olds.

And how do I know that?

Well.

The other night I was watching a sunset alone by the falls. When this young kid asks why I am all alone. When I tell him I'm watching the sunset he asks if he may join me. I say yes, because it would be rude not too, and he sits. He then asks me how old I am, to which I respond 25 (as this was just before my birthday). A kind of stricken look crosses his face. Then he tells me that he will be 17 in 27 days.

17 in 27 days...

Nice too know I still look young enough for 16 year olds to hit on...just wait until I get braces sometime in September. All the high school boys will be after me ;)

Unbelievably Busy

I very quickly went from working almost 30 hours a week to 50+ hours a week. And when you add in, almost 15 hours a week in commuting...it doesn't leave a lot of extra time for fun, or anything else, such as laundry or washing out the inside of my car (FYI, when temperatures soar into the 30's random cans of pop can explode when left in the back seat).

I kind of miss my more active social life. I have a lot of nights in now, or at least very early nights. I find getting up at 6 am every day makes me incredibly tired by 10pm (if not earlier). But I'm also kind of looking forward to settling into fall with a more constant routine. How boring does that sound?

I'm also kind of dreading the fall because of the utter lack of social life they will leave me. Most everyone I know will be heading back to the city and staying there. Leaving me here living with my Mom and Dad. And just a few other friends my age...all of whom are married, and most have children. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But the thing with my married friends is that they really like to know what goes on in a single girls life...and when nothing is going on, they like to take it upon themselves to set me up with any single men they know. So seeing as nothing is going on these days (as the only people I seem to hang out with are married, I haven't been meeting over many single men on my own). So sometime soon I am being introduced to some guy.

Obviously things with Crush #1 and #2 aren't progressing. I have a bad feeling that #1 is staying with the gf. And I couldn't believe how sad that made me...my first crush in 2 years. However things have been getting more flirty with #2. Every time we work together the tension is there. But he will be leaving to go back to school in a few weeks. And that will be then end of that.

Oh Muskoka in the fall. At the very least it will be an experience. One I haven't had in 8 years.

Very Exciting News

I get home from work on Monday night and I find this message:

What could it be I wonder?

Obviously not a marriage (note the bracketed addition). And for the last single girl this is good news. My ever helpful friend that finds the message with me, suggests perhaps someone is announcing a pregnancy.

Yes I think that is what it must be. A new baby.

But nope.

It was something better.

It was a job. Yes that's right.

I got a call about a job, and in the last 3 days have gone in for an interview and have accepted a position.

I am a Field Research Assistant, working for a Graduate Student from York University, on an invasive macro-invertebrate predator. Mostly we are working on it's ability to travel between lakes and spread.

Its call the spiny water flea and it is a nasty little creature that is the biggest threat to aquatic diversity since the Acid Rain issue.

I start Monday at 8am (ouch early, and a little over an hour away, at the Dorset Environmental Science Centre) until 4. Unfortunately it doesn't pay much, so I will continue working my serving job. I have already spoken to my boss, and she's very happy for me and is going to arrange my schedule so I can do both!

I have the contract to December.

My foot is in the door, and I am very excited to finally be doing something with my degree. I feel I can finally sit back a little and relax.

The worlds biggest smile is on my face!

The Other Crush.

As if my life isn't difficult enough by having a crush on a guy with a girlfriend. And I mean real butterflies crush. That I thought it would be best to if I add another crush to my life in the form of a guy I work with. (And by work with I mean he's one of pretty much only 3 servers at my work).


Oh dear.


Add the fact that today is his birthday and he's turning the ripe old age of 21, well you see what I mean.


How did this happen?


I had this kind of pseudo crush on him for awhile. Nothing major just this cute guy I work with. And then Monday night happened.


On Mondays there's this thing called resort night, at the Kee where loads of young people drink too much and dance. So we were dancing, and then we were dancing alone, and then we kissed, and then we were making out.


That's right making out, on the dance floor for everyone to see.


Only I don't know if anyone did see...that is the question. How secret was this little rendezvous? I suppose only time will tell.

The Crush.

See we would make beautiful blue eyed babies...*sigh*