Very Exciting News

I get home from work on Monday night and I find this message:

What could it be I wonder?

Obviously not a marriage (note the bracketed addition). And for the last single girl this is good news. My ever helpful friend that finds the message with me, suggests perhaps someone is announcing a pregnancy.

Yes I think that is what it must be. A new baby.

But nope.

It was something better.

It was a job. Yes that's right.

I got a call about a job, and in the last 3 days have gone in for an interview and have accepted a position.

I am a Field Research Assistant, working for a Graduate Student from York University, on an invasive macro-invertebrate predator. Mostly we are working on it's ability to travel between lakes and spread.

Its call the spiny water flea and it is a nasty little creature that is the biggest threat to aquatic diversity since the Acid Rain issue.

I start Monday at 8am (ouch early, and a little over an hour away, at the Dorset Environmental Science Centre) until 4. Unfortunately it doesn't pay much, so I will continue working my serving job. I have already spoken to my boss, and she's very happy for me and is going to arrange my schedule so I can do both!

I have the contract to December.

My foot is in the door, and I am very excited to finally be doing something with my degree. I feel I can finally sit back a little and relax.

The worlds biggest smile is on my face!

The Other Crush.

As if my life isn't difficult enough by having a crush on a guy with a girlfriend. And I mean real butterflies crush. That I thought it would be best to if I add another crush to my life in the form of a guy I work with. (And by work with I mean he's one of pretty much only 3 servers at my work).


Oh dear.


Add the fact that today is his birthday and he's turning the ripe old age of 21, well you see what I mean.


How did this happen?


I had this kind of pseudo crush on him for awhile. Nothing major just this cute guy I work with. And then Monday night happened.


On Mondays there's this thing called resort night, at the Kee where loads of young people drink too much and dance. So we were dancing, and then we were dancing alone, and then we kissed, and then we were making out.


That's right making out, on the dance floor for everyone to see.


Only I don't know if anyone did see...that is the question. How secret was this little rendezvous? I suppose only time will tell.

The Crush.

See we would make beautiful blue eyed babies...*sigh*

New Beginings...opps maybe not.

Lucky for us the Tragically Hip played a second concert at the Kee the very next night. I did not have tickets to this show but had to work. At first this was going to be great, we have an outside patio that kind of overlooks the Kee's patio, and therefore the music from the Kee is clearly overheard. The plan was to have a patio party. People who didn't have tickets could come, eat drink and be merry while listening to the Hip. I thought this was a great idea as I could also listen to the Hip...however this didn't happen. Instead I got off a little early and heard the last half of the concert from my backyard.

The fun however really started when I boarded the bus going back to my friends cottage to party with those who had been to the concert that night. Needless to say for the most part, everyone was sideways drunk...and I mean sideways.

The party was basically a bonfire. What I remember of this bonfire was that is was extremely hot, but that if you stepped away from it you needed extra clothing.

All night, for reasons known only to her, AC kept talking me up to her husbands younger cousin, who I have know for about 7 years but until that night never really saw. He was always just that much younger then the group I was with. However it turns out he's only 2 years younger then me (which by this time is really the same age right?). And is graduating with his MBA this month from a Uni in the US. mmm.

Through into the mix that he's incredibly good looking, and I was, and still am hooked.

I did something that night that was highly uncharacteristic of myself, but I have no regrets. As the night was ending I pulled him down a little pathway in the woods were we did a little kissing.

It was great.

Its been so long since I've really wanted to kiss someone.

But here's the catch. He apparently has a gf. *ouch* although I believe she lives in the US, and therefore seeing as he's moving back here, that relationship may coming to an end. And my good friend AC has assured me that at best she's a 'meh' gf. For whatever that means.

So now I have a raging crush. Something I haven't felt in about 2 years when C and I were first hooking up, and I can't really do anything about it, as it makes me feel guilty.

I will just have to play it by ear. If it's meant to be it will be.

Oh Dear...

Things may have been getting out of control this past week. And by may, read absolutely.

First things first last weekend was the Canada Day long weekend, which aside from a few extra hours at work was a pretty typical weekend. However, this was the weekend that never ended. My two days off this week fell on Tuesday/Wednesday, and The Tragically Hip played at the Kee in my tiny town of Bala, on Wednesday/Thursday nights. Add that to the fact that summer in Muskoka officially starts the week after the long weekend, and you have plenty of tourists, cottagers and locals all drinking to celebrate history in the making!

Due to the fact that the Kee only holds about 1000 people ticket sales were crazy both shows were sold out in about 10 minutes, only 4 days after the shows were announced, and you could only purchase 4 tickets maximum, tickets were a hot commodity. And I had 4 to the Wednesday night show. At the time of purchase I had 2 confirmed friends (SK and RR) plus myself so I went ahead and bought 4, not worrying about selling the extra.

As the concert got closer my 4th ticket was spoken for by AC another good friend of mine, and so we had a girls night all arranged. I was a little nervous, as all 3 of these lovely ladies are really good friends of mine, yet had never met each other, as I had met them all in different places. Turns out I had nothing to worry about AC and RR hit it off with each other and with the other people who turned up at my place for the pre-party. The only sore spot is the SK, never turned up. No phone call, no email.

I still haven't heard from her. And I'm rotating through feelings of anger to worry and back again. She has been unreliable for a long time, but has always at least cancelled, and never just not show up.

Back to the drama of the evening.

We finally get into the concert and it was amazing...or at least I know I had a great time, and they played Wheat Kings, a song I've been waiting 3 concerts to hear, as for what else they played....I have no idea, a little too much vodka, followed by too much beer.

I lost RR about 15mins into the show only to find her at the very end of the concert.

I ran into J, who had spent the first half of the evening telling my friends that he knew it was over between us, only beg RR to try to change my mind at the end of the night, and since I've had repeated text messages, telling my I'm beautiful, and we should have a pic-nic. When I first heard what he had said I was pumped that this relationship could possibly just fade away, and no break-up scene would be necessary. But now I'm thinking I'm going to have to suck it up, be an adult and actually break-up with my non-boyfriend.

I can't really say why I want out but I do. The whole thing just ran its course. Its been 4 months and I feel I never really got to know him, and that he never really got to know me. The butterflies were gone a long time ago. And the real kicker was that sometimes I felt more lonely with him than I do when I'm alone.

At the end of the concert, RR and I got some hot dogs, took them up to my place and settled into a very long and very deep conversation. She's been away for almost two years now and hadn't heard the whole break-up story between C and I. And seeing as she was the only friend of mine who knew him (she introduced us) it was sad but good to finally discuss those feelings that I had set aside for a year and tried to forget. It was such a great conversation we stayed together in the sun porch instead of sleeping in separate rooms. I love those conversations.

RR and AC

Me and one those Coors Lights that just kept appearing in my hands.

My Brother and his buddies rocking out! (RH is in the grey T.)

This was fairly discombobulated, and disorganized, and the real out of control events were still to come the next night...I've been on detox, since then I promise...

This Year's Girl

I can hardly fathom that it has been a month since I've posted. I have no real excuse other then the weather has hot and sunny and the dock calls my name every time I have some time to kill, and even then seeing as I own a laptop and have wireless internet, I could bring my computer down to the dock with me and be productive whist I tan. However I apparently don't want to! I just want to lay there and read or at most think about life and the mistakes I've made and what I can to learn from those. And how I can move forward again and stop this backward tailspin I've been in. I haven't yet discovered any easy answers. That because there are no easy answers there never has been easy answers and the older I get the less easy answers there seem to be.

I give into temptation a lot. A lot, a lot. And after I don't even feel all that guilty. Maybe I should. It used to be easy knowing what was right from what was wrong, but now the lines are blurry. Less black and white and way more grey. Although there are some things that I know are defiantly in the black category...

I am doing a very positive work related event tomorrow. My long time neighbour Mrs. A is taking me with her to the Muskoka Watershed Council meeting. I'll get to meet and greet with a lot of important people in Muskoka where the environment is concerned, and maybe just maybe a job or even a summer volunteer position may come out it. And that would be HUGE step forward. I may still live at home, and I may still have to serve to pay for my new car.

But at least I'll feel like I'm being productive.

I'm also taking a big step with J this weekend. We're going camping. I know that doesn't sound huge. But my good friend SK and her fiance just broke up (its okay, 3 of the 5 bridesmaids hated him...and I didn't know the other 2 well enough to ask their real feelings). And she and her new bf (yes its very quick, but that's my girl SK!) And it was just going to be me, SK, her new beau, and SK's little bro MK, who has had a hopeless crush on me for years. So I thought it time to bring J out into the world with me.

Gives me butterflies.

Again with the stupidness...

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.



Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.

. . . These Are The Day's Of My Life.

The decision has been made. I'm moving home. *sigh*

Sometimes this makes me feel like a big huge failure. 25 years old moving back in with my parents and little bother and sister. I haven't lived there since I was 18. I have to keep taking deep breaths in order to stave off the waves of panic.

What sealed my fate...two things really. The first being nothing came of my Windsor interview. The second being that as I walked around handing out resumes for a serving job I had to hold back tears. Literally.

I decided its time to regroup and refocus. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean other people seem to be able to get jobs. I've applied to almost 40 jobs in the last 2 months, and I've gotten two interviews...and you know I really thought I might have gotten that last one, because I did not want to move to Windsor. What kind of stupid logic is that? I finally get the job I've been looking for for 3 years and but only if its in a place I didn't really want to move to.

One more bonus about the move home is that my next door neighbour is a Councillor for the District of Muskoka and is looking into jobs/volunteer opportunities for me n the area. I am a little late for the job stuff...most summer positions hire in March, but you never know...I'm going to try to be cautiously optimistic.

I'm also going to be cautiously optimistic with Mr. Muskoka. Who will for now on be known by name. Jason. Or more commonly Jay...so the short from of J, is just so handy! There are still things I worry about, and there wasn't/still isn't any Zsa Zsa Zu. But there's something. I'm not sure what, maybe it won't be enough, maybe I'll run away like I've done before, or maybe I'll give it my all, and still get my heart broken like I've done before. But I won't know if I don't try. I've survived the heart break, and I know I won't survive the loneliness that comes with not trying.

And so I pack my car and look to future.

Easiest $2 I ever made...

Yesterday was sunny and warm and having looked at the weather forecast I knew it wasn't going to last. So I grabbed my book and headed to park down the street where I lay in the grass and enjoyed the smells, sights and sounds of the approaching summer.

Suddenly a young boy plopped his backpack and self down next to me, and began asking me a number of questions, along the lines of what are you reading, isn't it boring, like the weather?

Then just as suddenly he jumps up and leaves.

As he's running away I hear him call to his buddies it was the easiest $2 he ever made!

I am now apparently the lady little boys bet their friends to go up and talk to. How crazy is that!

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass...

I often like to think of my life as a soap, and lately it really has been. It has everything necessary to make for a good soap....well maybe not a real soap, I'm not planning any murders nor am I pregnant with a baby with a less then certain paternity.

I have however amped up the boy drama, purchased a new car, only to loose my job 4 days later, and now must make the touch decision of whether to move home and get a new serving job, or stay in the city and get a new serving job. Or maybe just maybe, I'll get the job I just interviewed for yesterday and the decision will be made for me. Option number 3 is obviously my first choice... but I just can't figure out whether one or two would be better. Seeing as the idea of starting a new serving job makes my skin crawl...but I gots bills. Got to pay for my shiny new car!

Speaking of which. I am now the proud owner of a Brand-new-to-me 2000 Honda Civic Ex. But the important part is that it's Green and shiny and it doesn't leak gas, or oil and it tells me how fast I'm going...what a novel idea! It also came with nifty little device that allows me to lock and unlock the doors with the push of a button!

As for the boy drama. I'm down to one boy. Mr. Fashion has been given the boot, or well I think he just kind of got the hint. So it's just me and Mr. Muskoka now. And I have to say I'm starting to freak out.

I definitely do not want to be tied down, and well boyfriends do that. The job interview I went on was in Windsor, which is about 3 hours from where I live here, and consequently about 6 from Muskoka. He wasn't all to happy to hear that I may be moving that far away.

I have now complicated things by sleeping with him. I feel like such a guy. I want something kind of light and casual, but not promiscuous. I have enough on my mind worrying just about me, let alone adding someone else to the mix. But now I have. I'm worried he may be falling for me. At this moment I'm not falling for him...but it doesn't mean I won't but that possibility exists. Or maybe I'm totally overreacting. Believe me it wouldn't be the first time.