The return

I have a new crush.

Or rather an old crush as returned. Remember RC?

After my summer of being unavailable to anyone and everyone and my fling with Lumberjack, RC was put on the back burner. But now he's back.

He is my friend PhD's bf's best friend (did you catch that?). And since PhD. moved to Toronto and conveniently lives down the street from RC I see him when I go visit her.

The first time was about a month ago. PhD, her bf, myself and a few others went to RC's place to watch the game. While there I noticed he has one of my all time favourite books on his shelf. (It's not one of those books that one sees all over the place.) The rest of the eveing I kept my eye on him and the old crush did not let me down.

Last time was just recently.

I was down in the city visiting PhD, as I do and that nights events included wine, as it usually does. After some shy talking and very grade school-esque ignoring each other, RC and I found ourselves alone on PhD's brand new $1 couch. Upon discovering this we began to make-out like bandits.

It was fun. Making out on the couch with PhD and her BF in there room (presumably sleeping). It felt very HS where we could be caught by someones parents at any moment.

Since I wasn't will to walk back to his place in the dark cold of 4am and he wasn't too keen to stay with me on the couch (no blame there, this is the house where an overly friendly lab likes to lick my face in the early am) the night ended there.

So RC is back in game.

Accent

I just took an online quiz to find out which American accent I have. Seeing as I'm Canadian I thought it would be interesting to see if this quiz could even place me among my neighbours to the South.

Well it did, and the results made me laugh out loud.

I was lumped in as a person with a "North Central" accent. Here's how the website described it.

"North Central is was the professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot."

So there you have it. The quiz had me pegged as a Canadian even though it wasn't designed for Canadian accents. Now I want to see the movie Fargo just to see if I do indeed sound like that.

Bye Bye Lumberjack

Lumberjack and I are finished.

I'm actually surprised at how Okay I am. For the first time I told someone I was dating that their behaviour had upset me. I know its crazy that I had never done that before (at least not calmly....). But I haven't. I've always been afraid of their reaction. I've always thought they would react, well, just like Lumberjack did.

How did Lumberjack react?

Well his reply was "long distance is difficult," (like I wasn't aware of that) "this is the best I can do," (seriously....the BEST you can do) "maybe it would be better if you date someone locally." (at least that's not ambiguous).

He said he would call me later so we could finish our conversation. That was 2 weeks ago. I think I'm pretty safe that call is not coming.

Oddly enough this episode made me feel better about speaking up, not worse. In the past I have always let these things build until they either come exploding out at inopportune times or just wear away on my self esteem. This way I was able to say my piece and gave him a chance to say his. I was expecting more of an apology for leaving in the middle of the night and then not calling for a week. I wasn't expecting the end of a relationship that had barely gotten off the ground.

But there you have it. I am single once again, approaching the holiday season closely followed by a wedding that my plus one, is more then likely to be a plus zero.

Charred

Last night I burned my dinner. Technically I burned my dinner for the next few days and I was trying to be proactive by making a large pot of pea soup that I could reheat for the rest of the week and have a quick nutritious meal so I wouldn't end up eating pudding. (I absolutely did not eat pudding for dinner last Monday night).


I came home from a massive and much needed grocery shop and while putting the hoards of food away I started the soup. My recipe is very simple however there is a twist...it takes about 2 hours of simmering on the stove for the little hard peas to get to their deliciously mushy edible state (its seriously IS delicious). I started the water boiling, added the peas, the onion, the ham, and the spices and left it to bubble while I sorted all the new goodies. Then I cut up the carrots and potatoes to be added about 1/2 hour before the soup is done.


My attic apartment was getting decidedly steamy by the time I went back to the endless amount of work I have. I was thinking how wonderful my apartment would soon start smelling as the soup simmered on the stove.

No sooner had I settled down in front of my computer did I notice the "steam" had more of a smoky look to it. Heading back to the kitchen my nose catches the distinct smell of smoke. Looking at the soup I was puzzled, it looked fine. At that moment my smoke alarm agreed with my nose:



BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!



Running back to my living room I fan the device with a throw pillow until the screeching stops. Silently praying that my neighbours can't hear the sound. I go back to the kitchen and move the soup off the element, thinking that some must have slopped over onto the red hot metal...


BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!


Back to the living room. Fan with through pillow. Silence. Run to closet to get the fan to blow fresh air on the smoke alarm in an attempt to keep the thing quiet. By now there is no mistaking the smoke lingering in the air. And linger is it will, as in order to ensure some sort of energy efficiency the windows in my apartment were sealed shut about 3 weeks ago. I open the only window I can, the bathroom, despite the -4C temperature outside.


In the kitchen again I inspect the soup. Still looks good to me. Experimentally I insert a spoon into the pot. Everything seems good - oh WAIT.....I pour the soup into my only other largish pot....The bottom of the first pot is positively caked with charred green peas. I have never seen anything quite like it.


Apparently it is very important to stir the soup fairly continually so the peas don't stick to the bottom and burn.


In my desperation as a starving student I attempt to salvage the meal. I add immense amounts of basil, pepper, salt and dill (only because it was just sitting there on top of the stove, and well my soup needed whatever it could get) to try and mask the unmistakable charred flavour. It worked....sort of.


I am going to eat this soup, because as mentioned I am a student and am still waiting for my student loan to come through and currently have $6.45 in the bank (no word of a lie) and this dinner had about $7 of ham it it. (maybe I'll just pick the ham and the veggies out....)


So tonight I am heading home to leftover burned pea soup, and an apartment that undoubtedly still smells like burning, and a pot still caked in charred peas that I left soaking in a vain hope that by soaking for 24hrs it will magically be clean.

1 week later...

The lumberjack called last night and left a message:

"Hey its Lumberjack, I'm just finishing the worst week of my life and am driving to Toronto. Give me a call" [then he left his number, like he thinks I've already forgotten?]

I didn't call right away. I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts together and was mentally prepared to actually tell him what I needed. It may not sound hard to do, but for me, the eternal peacekeeper, I like to see other people happy and at times this comes at my expense.

When I did call, he didn't answer. Very anti-climatic I know. I didn't leave a message. He has call display.

And whats with "the worst week of my life." Am I now supposed to feel guilty because I was mad at him? Does this excuse him from his bad behaviour? Shouldn't he have wanted to talk to me during this bad week?

I didn't have the best week myself: My beloved computer got a virus. Luckily I quickly realized I was inept at fixing this problem, and took it to the professionals. Four days and $80 later I got it back. I bounced my rent cheque. Not good. Not good at all. Luckily I think I realized this before my landlord and was able to provide a new cheque that will clear before they had to ask me about it. Unfortunately I got charged $42 for Insufficient funds. (which for someone who didn't have the money to clear the original cheque can't really afford). So now I have exactly $105.36 in my bank account to last me until Nov 28th when I will receive another paycheque too small to cover rent.

Student loans here I come.

Also during my bad week the boy I was hoping to possibly turn into a bf disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.

Freaking Out.

I am freaking out. Seriously freaking out. Stomach in knots can not concentrate on what I'm doing freaking out.

I am sitting in my office dragging my feet on a particularly complicated and incredibly uninteresting assignment when I realize: Hey its pay day! Woot Woot. When you only get paid once a month, pay day is definitely a day to look forward too.

So I navigate over to the TDCanadaTrust website to ensure all my riches made it safely into my dwindling bank account. I immediately realize something just isn't right....

Upon further investigation, I realize my paycheque is missing about $400. wtf?

My entire "paycheque" for the month of October is $5 shy of my rent. (please do note, my tuition is deducted from my pay therefore I do not have to come up with $2500 3x a year)

$400

I don't know about you, but to me that's a lot of dough. When I so carefully mapped out my budget for the coming year as a student based on last months pay and a thrice yearly scholarship cheque, that $400 was allocated to gas, food, and fun.

Maybe (maybe) I can cut down on my gas. I am an environmental science student. Do I really need to drive everywhere? -I don't actually drive everywhere, just to school and to see friends on weekends. (sorry to all my friends I will no longer be seeing....you will have to come to me)

Maybe I can cut down on my food. I mean I don't need lunch everyday (do I?) , and KD now comes with whole wheat noodles (does whole wheat make up for the fact there basically no nutritional value what so ever inside that blue box?). One box does me 2 meals and it's only $1.50! The time for creativity is now...it is also the time seek out and find as many events or invitations that include free food.

But to cut down on my fun? My FUN! My instincts scream NO! In general I do very inexpensive things for fun (except the occasional vacation....). I hardly ever go shopping and I am serious need of some new wardrobe staples. But I guess (sigh) food comes before fashion.

I guess I have to tighten my belt (not that I can afford one). And maybe think about applying for a loan (something I really wanted to avoid).

So so long luxuries like Starbucks and lunch. Maybe I'll see you in 2 years.

Begin at the Begining

So much has happened in the months that I have been away, and for most of it I was too tired, stressed, busy, overworked, or just listless to attempt witty humour. Since much of what happened in the past is required to stay current.

I like blogging because it helps me to sort out my feelings and I miss it now. I had been meaning to start blogging again, but everything that happened in the last few months is needed to understand where I am now. And since I am a huge procrastinator from way back I have been neglecting starting the "previously on" entry. So instead I'm am going to use the every efficient bullet point strategy.

Unpaid and Underappreciated

• I worked 12 hours per day 7 days a week from the end of June to the middle of July.
• My boss was unpleasant....by unpleasant read irritable, condescending, and unappreciative.
• In total I worked 29 full days of overtime (in a little over 2 months). Oh and that overtime was unpaid. Yes unpaid. To be fair I could take time in lieu and I did take 7 days for a wedding. However, my contract was up before I could cash in on the other 22 days.
• I couldn't complain because I needed the reference, also, my current work is linked to the work I did last summer and I will have to work together with my former unpleasant boss.
• Over the course of the summer I missed 3 good friends birthdays, a family reunion, a huge concert/party, 2 long weekends, a volleyball tournament, and a funeral. Yes a funeral, I was allowed to leave "early" to make the visitation...(by early it was 2.5hours after the offical quitting time)
• So after all that I packed a whole summers worth of fun into the last 2 weeks of August:

Two weddings, A birthday, and a Lumberjack.

Wedding 1

• Details: Maui, Hawaii, August 19
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph.
• Me: Maid of Honour
• This was basically the exact vacation I needed to recover from the worst summer ever.
• 5 of us stayed in a condo on the ocean. 3 girls, 2 boys.
• The boys made the girls breaky every morning and drinks all day!
• We read trashy (read fantastic) teen vampire romances
• We sat by the pool, swam in the ocean, watch stunning sunsets, saw sea turtles, went snorkeling, learned to surf, and celebrated the wedding of two of my best friends.
• I was awake everyday at 6am sat on the lanai and watched the ocean and luxerated in the warm breezes.
• Life was perfect.

My Birthday

• August 22, Age 27
• Was largely spent on a plane coming from Hawaii to Toronto. (Side note: The Hawaiian airport doesn't have a book store....seriously, its 5 hours to anywhere and no book store...magazines just won't do on a 5 hour flight!)
• I rushed to Guelph, then rushed to get ready for the rehearsal.
• Where I spent my 27th celebrating my friends impending nuptials with my Ex Accountant.
• Some slight awkwardness with Ex, but we mostly just avoided each other
• The bridal party left early to spend some quality with just the ladies
• While it was just the 5 of us R gave us our bridal party gifts which were personalized, amazing and touching
• Then I got birthday gifts which I wasn't expecting, I tend to play down my birthday in general, and especially when I am celebrating one of my best friends weddings.
• All in all turning 27 was pretty damn good.

Wedding 2

• Details: Guelph ON, August 23rd
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph (yes that is correct I met both couples working in the same bar, and they got married 4 days apart)
• Me: Bridesmaid
• My Ex: Best Man
• I had to leave paradise early in order to attend this wedding, and it did not disappoint
• Aside from my Ex Account the entire wedding party was amazing. We laughed and goofed around and posed for countless pics all day.
• I attended dateless but never felt alone.
• Open bar allowed me to have my final say with the Ex Accountant and that relationship has been put to rest.
• Open bar also allowed me to flirt shamelessly with a hot Lumberjack that attended teacher's college with my now wed friends.
• Said shameless flirting continued to the after party in the hotel
• Said shamless flirting continued to my hotel room
• For the first time ever, I slept with a man I had just met.
• I then kicked him out of the room, to allow S, the bridesmaid I was sharing the room with back in (she never did come back though).
• It was all very Samantha Jones of me.
• I paid for the whole room bill as I felt guilty about kicking S out...
• At 27 years old I had my first one night stand....or so I thought at the time....

Moving on Up

• Moved to a small city in Eastern Ontario
• Started a Master's Program in Environmental Studies
• Live in an Attic (so I suppose the name of my blog is no longer relevant, but I can't change it now....or I've just started on my way up.)

More stories will come but at least now the basics have been accounted for.

Stay tuned.

Return to Civilization

I have moved back to a place where I have both internet access (wireless no less) and cell phone reception!

My blog was neglected due to lack of time and accessibility over the summer but as soon as I get a little more settled into my new life, I hope to be blogging on a regular basis.

Stay tuned!

Deleted

I have finally deleted A Certain Ex from my cell phone.

In a moment of strength I realized enough was enough. And while in the past his number had proven invaluable to me, that is no longer true. There will always be another way, someone else, someone better to call.

In the past month I have come to realize the man who meant the world to me for 4 years is no longer that man. He is hardly a shadow of that man. For four years we dated and it went from fabulous to much less then not good. For four years after that we, well I don’t know what we were really. For a while we were nothing. I was in another serious relationship, but when that relationship ended he was there for me when my girlfriends couldn’t be.

I now think he took advantage of me while I was fragile and lonely. I don’t think it was his intention, but it was the outcome.

In a way I still loved him. I suppose a part of me will always love the man he used to be, and our unwritten fairytale.

But I’m growing up, and as they say its time to put away childish things.

So to avoid unnecessary temptation he has been removed from my cell phone, and therefore my life, if not in a physical way, the most literal way I can.

The Unexpected

Many things in life can be unexpected. Surprise parties. Promotions. A kind word. A harsh word. A car accident. Marriage proposals. A sweet smile.

Or unexpected reactions to situations.

This has been a long cool wet spring full of unexpected reactions and self realizations.

Two months ago I was in attendance at a Stag & Doe. Which is in and of itself not an uncommon event. However this particular Stag & Doe was thrown by the Best Man, also not uncommon, one might say it is even expected. The Best Man threw this Stag & Doe for his best friend in their home town and invited the out of towners to crash at his house. All this may very well seem to fit into the realm of the perfectly ordinary. This Best Man is also my Ex Accountant. The Ex whom I had not spoken to once since I, in tears, walked out of his apartment two years ago. The Ex who replied “Did you call about a parking permit?” when I said “I love you.” The Ex who said “I don’t miss you when you’re gone.” The Ex who pretended to have forgotten our anniversary when in fact he had remembered it, but chose not to acknowledge or spend it with me.

The town these boys call home is 350km from my cabin in the forest, thus qualifying me as an out of towner.

One might ask: Why go?

It is an exceptionally long way to travel, with the added expense of a hotel room once arrived. Clearly staying at his place was not an option. I can answer that question with one word.

Bridesmaid.

I had known this day was coming for a long time. From the moment my dear friend asked me to be a part of her day, I knew I would no longer be able to pretend the year (exactly) I had spend with my Ex Accountant had never happened. That I would have to face him and all those who knew us when we were together. I had been able to avoid this entirely for the first year after our break up as the only friends we held mutually were safely living on the entire other side of the world in Australia. These friends returned from Australia one year ago, engaged, and I for the first time in a year I really dealt with the loss of a relationship that spanned a very transitional year in my life.

I thought I was prepared for any possible reaction or situation resulting from once again laying eyes on this man. The realization I was still in love. The stabbing pain in my stomach when I saw him with his new lady. Him realizing he had let me go too easily. A dramatic scene complete with tears and raised voices. Or the reaction I was most hoping for….nothing. A hello, maybe a hug, a how are things going for you? And once the ice was broken, maybe we could pretend to be friends for long enough that eventually we stopped pretending. I mean we shared a year together, clearly we had something in common.

Well I got what I wanted.

Nothing.

However the nothing I got and the nothing defined above are very different.

Arriving at the hall I was very nervous. I was at the disadvantage. This was his town, these were his friends, he had planned the whole thing. Even as part of the bridal party I felt out of place. Like I was crashing a party I had every reason, no, a duty to attend.

I was received as a stranger. The people I had spent a year of my life with didn’t seem to recognize me. My Ex himself did not attempt to speak with me. When I approached him with an offer to help tidy up, he turned me away.

I don’t need to be friends with him. Thankfully, when I did lay eyes on him, aside from the shock of physically seeing him, I had no residual feelings. I just do not want to feel that way at the wedding. I do not want to feel like that at the rehearsal dinner, which by the way, coincides with my Twenty-Seventh Birthday. [Yes I have to spend my 27th with a man who would rather pretend I no longer existed.]

I just don’t understand that sort of behaviour.

Unfortunately I will be attending this wedding unescorted. That’s right dateless. I don’t think its appropriate to bring a “non-significant other” to a wedding in which I’m a part of leaving the poor guy to amuse himself while I’m with the ladies getting ready, while pictures are being taken, while I’m sitting at the head table and he is sitting somewhere else. So like in so many other situations, I will be arriving unaccompanied.

As time goes on, I am beginning to be more comfortable with that.

"Spring" = Twitterpaition

I've waited to post this until I was less twitterpaited. Otherwise I may have declared my undying love for Mr. Rubik's Cube (RC). Hmmm. It seems I may have just done so anyway.


A couple of weeks ago I went to visit RC and my mutual friends. I had some business in the city in which they live, and it was PhD's bf's birthday. Perfect time for the second meeting.


I have to admit I was excited when I found out he was coming. I was extra excited when I found out he originally wasn't coming but changed his mind when he heard that I was.


Over the course of the weekend I found out more tid bits of info that mean he and I are meant to be. That's right I said it.



*For example, he's a Star Wars fan. I am too. There I said it out loud. I love Star Wars. Not in a dress-up-in-costumes-and-act-out-scenes kind of way but more of a I just-really-liked-the-movies-and-possibly-may-have-read-post-movies-books kind of way. Whereas the Ex Accountant needed me to "explain" the movies to him. Um, they're movies, that children understand.


*His last name and my last name begin with the same letter therefore if we get married (whoa who knew I could be 'this' girl?) my initials won't change. I am kind of partial to my initials over the course of the past 26 years I have developed a way of intertwining them that I enamored with.


*His parents live in a small town about a 1/2 hour from where my parents bought their future retirement home. Why is this important? Well I hate the idea of switching out holidays. As in this Christmas with the in-laws, next Christmas with my family. With everyone so close we can see both sides of the family ("the family" who is 'this' girl).


Clearly I am slightly crazy. I will blame it on the fact that spring and summer came and went in one week, and apparently winter is back. And he will never know about this ever. Because while I think its fine for me to list such important things, I would totally freak if I heard he was too.


Seeing as it had been 2 months since I had last seen him, and since summer is approaching, and come summer my schedule is "unpredictable." I decided something had to happen to move this little infatuation along. Throw into the mix, that he is the shyest guy I have come across in a long time and that PhD's house is a zoo (Seriously 5 people and 3 dogs!) well I had to take matters into my own hands.


The opportunity presented itself when he offered to walk me to bed. (Walk me to bed huh? All the way upstairs and down the hall, what a gentleman.) I accepted as it would be the first (an only) time we were alone all weekend. As we were standing at the door to the spare/my room he was looking at me in a way I was completely unable to read. And since I liked him and had had my share of delicious homemade wine that night I kissed him.


And...He spent the night with me.


We kissed some more, but didn't go farther then that. I can't when I really like someone, I need it to mean something. I need to know he wants to be with me not just with someone. And that was the look in his eyes I couldn't read.


Did he want to be with me? Did he want to see me again? Or did he just want to spend the night with me?


It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know.


That's right. The RC did not ask for my number. He did say I see you again since you're moving here now. (Which is true. I will most likely be moving to PhD's city, but not until September and I kind of wanted to see him before that). He may have tried to kiss me when we dropped him at the bus station. I can't be sure. I know I was going in for a check kiss so I may have thwarted his attempts.


All I get from PhD is that yes he likes me but a) he's shy (and here I thought I made it clear I liked him, maybe I didn't) and b) he apparently had a run in with a "mean girl."


Some of my friends think I should give up. And part of me thinks this is valid. I don't want to be with a guy whose too shy to ask for my number. I'm not worried about his "mean girl" from the past. I have also been damaged by boys who were less then careful with my heart. And he is the first guy in 3 years (yes 3 years) that I have been this interested in.


Maybe I'll get to know him better and the infatuation will go away, or maybe it will grow. Maybe I'll one day be Mrs. RC or maybe I'm setting my heart up for more damage.


Most of the fun is waiting to see how it plays out ;o)

I'm Free

Yesterday was my last day car-pooling to work. I am free from traveling to and from work with my supervisor that I cannot stand.


Its not that he's a bad guy he's an Okay guy, but man, I won't miss him when my contract is up. I am definitely not going to miss how chatty he is at 7:30am.


Here are some of the awkward/annoying things he does/did:


~A squirrel made a dash for it in front of my car. He in the passenger seat, jerked so hard he spilled coffee all over. When I questioned him about it...he said he thought it was a deer. 3 inch tall squirrel : 5 foot tall deer? Not exactly the same. p.s. I didn't hit the squirrel.


~When I ask him a question, he blinks his eyes very slowly and nods, making me (and anyone else he does this to) feel like an idiot.


~He never paid my friend back when she bought him a ticket for a film festival.


~He wears his pants wrong. Not sure how exactly, but its wrong.


~When he doesn't know the answer to a question he makes one up


~His hair....


~Once he asked me out (awkward) and then cancelled via text. For which I was very thankful, as I was about to text him that "something had come up"


~He always has a story that's better then yours. No matter what the original story is.


~He tells me (at 7:30am) about his dates.


~The sole sound of his voice makes my skin crawl


But now I'm free!!!!


Even better, as of Thursday, I am on a new contract with a New Supervisor.



He will become someone I see in passing, sure he'll still run the lab, and I'll be in the lab from time to time but I will no longer work for him nor will I drive with him.


And that feels great!

Earth Day

Today is Earth Day!

So go out and Hug a Tree. C'mon, it'll feel good.

C.O.D.

For Christmas I got this:

Beautiful isn't it?

So you can imagine how sad I was when one day about a month ago I came home from work, popped my iPod in it's slot and got...No Sound! Nothing! Nada! I could see it working but couldn't hear anything.

This immediately lead to a medium sized panic attack, as I only just recently got my iPod back from 2 month away (2 MONTHS) from making no sound. I couldn't believe that my iPod was broken again, and after some very scientific testing, it turned out that my iPod was in working order but my dock was not.

At least that is still under warranty.

After calling the company I was told I would have to mail the stereo back to them for maintenance. Back to them mean Philadelphia. And therefore at least a $20 shipping fee. Oh and no they wouldn't me mailing me a postage paid box to preform said shipping. (I asked because when my computer crashed, that's what Compaq did)

So you imagine my surprise when about a week later a package arrived COD from Altec Lansing. I couldn't imagine they gave in and mailed me a box, and then charge me the postage. And no they didn't. Instead the mailed me a brand new stereo, and charged me the shipping. (What kind of company is this?)

So now I have two. One that works and one broken one. I am not going to pay another $20 to mail the broken one back to them...but I might pay someone to make it work (is that unethical? Its not like I asked them to mail a new one and there was nothing in the box but the stereo, no instructions whatsoever)

The really weird part is that they never even verified that I'd only that the first system for less the the one year warranty. They just shipped out a new one...so weird.

Packing...or not...

It's getting close to moving day. That means I have to pack.

I Absolutely Hate packing.

I'm looking around at the tiny room I've been living if for the past *gasp* year, and everything is in complete disarray.

It's awful.

I hate living like this, but this room is currently holding almost all of my worldly possessions and is a mere 8'x10'. Yeah thats right. Not only does it have all my current possessions, it also contains remnants of my childhood: Bunnikins tea set, multiple unicorn music boxes and many dead flowers from special occasions gone by.

One might think the though of muliple rooms in which to keep said possession would cause me to leap into action...sadly no. The idea of wading through the wreakage of this room is not appealing at all.

Moving in however. Is something I love! I don't think I'll ever tire of getting things out of boxes and finding just the right place for them to help make my accomadations my home.

But for now its just Thursday night. Packing is something best left til weekends, when it can be spiced up some with wine.

Here's to Plan D!

They tell you when you get older that time will move quicker.

As I child I thought this was ridiculous. I had learned about time in school, and there was no physical way to speed it up. I knew this because I had experienced just how long it took for my birthday to roll around every year...or Christmas...Halloween.

Oddly, it turned out that those grown-ups were correct.

Time does somehow have a way of speeding up on us. Not that you notice it in a day to day way. But more a week to week, or especially year to year. It is even increasingly more apparent when babies turn into toddlers, and toddlers into children and children into teenagers in what seems to be the equivalent of a week.

While I have no children of my own to watch, I am an "Auntie" to several small ones, some of whom are not actually that small anymore, and some of whom have yet to join us in the world, but as this time paradox shows, they will all be teenagers, by next fall, tops.

Upon reaching my mid-twenties, I've begun to take stock of my life. What I have accomplished? What do I regret? What should I have done by now? What do I want to do before I'm 30? (That's really the scary one, even the thought I could possibly be approaching 30...how did that happen?)

Turns out much of what I had planned for my life has not yet happened. (Some of these plans originated when I was about 15, and what did I know about life then!) These things include marriage and children. As of yet I have neither, but this does not bother me that much. I do however find it odd to think, that if I had followed Plan A, I would have been married for about a year by now, and planning children....whoa.

Plan B included a successful job and living in a small city somewhere working out how to save the world. I have a job, and if you measure success on a monetary scale...I'm slightly (and by slightly, I mean a lot) less successful then Plan B dictated, also, I live in a small town, with my parents.

When I realized Plan B was shot to hell I formulated Plan C. I liked Plan C of all my previous plans 'C' was definitely looking up. It allowed me to continue to live with my parents while working at my less-successful-then-hoped job while I gained enough "experience" to move on to the previously defined "successful job." All the while I would be paying off my car loan, my student loan and saving up to buy...a house! That's right I was throwing the old custom away, that you needed to "be" with someone to buy a house. I was going to save-up up and do it on my own!, by the time I was 30 (that gave me almost 4 years to save and get said "successful" job which I thought was sufficient time.)

But now, it looks as though Plan C will also be going down the toilet to mingle with Plans A, B, and C *sigh*.

Nothing to do but move on to Plan D.

What is Plan D? Now that's a good question. This is once again a time of change and opportunity. Plan D has not yet been defined. I do however know it contains these essential parts:

(a) moving into a cabin near the water at the end of the month
(b) attempting to get accepted into Graduate school for the fall
(c) enjoying what may turn out to be my last full time summer in Muskoka (so far I have enjoyed what may have been my last full time Muskoka summer 2x! on to round 3)

Should element (b) work out, I'll be in school full time for 2 more years, graduating at *gasp* 29 years old! And while I'll be poor, I may come out with offers/opportunities for said successful jobs, and still be able to purchase said house. Best of both worlds really.

So here's to Plan D!

Grown-up vs. Adult

I am sure that one day I will be a real grown up. For now though...I'm a happy being only an adult.



The difference, and yes there is a difference, is subtle. Grown-up's are married, own houses or have children, or maybe as of yet they only have a dog (but as I see it dogs are practice children, some people don't like that, but from my experience, it goes: dog....baby). Adults on the other hand....I only classify myself as an adult due to the whole age thing (I mean 26, hardly a teenager) Suddenly no one will do stuff for you the way they used to. I had to buy my own car, and pay its insurance, and fix it when it breaks, and put gas in it, and cook my own food, and due my own laundry, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, change the light bulbs and toilet paper...you get it. But I'm not really tied to anything, house, kids, husband (boyfriend, significant other), dog or even fish...Theoretically, I can just gallivant off and do as I please, hence the subtle but significant difference between being an adult and a grown-up.



Seeing as the main difference is that no one depends on me to take care of them, financially, emotionally or otherwise, therefore as long as I make enough moola to cover my expenses I am able to spend or save the "extra" as I see fit. And what exactly am I spending these oodles of "extra" money on? (extra in quotations, because, who really has extra money laying around) Well possibly school...again. I know.



The Prof. I've been working for for almost 8 months, finally got his way and has convinced me it might be best to continue my education with a Master's degree. Master of Science. Now that would make me a real science geek wouldn't it. A Master science geek even.



None of this is set in stone, and a lot has to be done in a shortish period of time, but the ball is in motion for me to enroll at Trent University come September.



I'm equal parts excited and terrified, no make that 25% excited 75% terrified. Millions of "what if's" are flying through my head. None of which I'll post here, but it will make them more real. But the opportunity for a fresh start, a new city, new friends, new mentors, makes me smile inside. So I just may gallivant off to Peterborough, get a MSc. and put off becoming a grown-up for 2 more years.

"The Good Boy"

The Right Wrong Boy

Or I suppose the Good Bad Boy.

That is what I think I'm looking for. Easy to find?

Nope.

See the problem is that I am attracted to the Wrong/Bad boy. ( I stubbornly refuse to call them men, at least until they start acting like men). I like to overly confident cocky type guys. You know those guys that walk the walk and talk the talk. I like to knock them down a few pegs (gently of course). In the way that makes them take notice, the guys that never had to work for girls and suddenly do. Think teenage romantic comedies where the popular quarterback falls for the slightly geeky but still cute unpopular girl (In this scenario that girl is me).

It's not that I don't like the "good boys". I just have never dated a "good boy." I think I may be too much for them. I used to be shy, almost painfully so. But now I've found that being shy doesn't get you what you want, what is does get you is a reputation for being aloof (fancy word for bitchy). So I'm overcoming/overcame it.

Maybe it's a late 20's thing, but I like science geeky self and refuse to be someone I'm not. And the person I am is sometimes loud, opinionated, and very well aware of what I want out of a relationship. By being "well aware" I mean as well as any single girl who's frightened of commitment is aware. Or well more accurately being abandoned after committing.

I happened to come across one such "good boy" in my travels, the other weekend. Unbelievably he is both single, and older then me. You know age starts becoming a problem, when one of your bestie's asks "And how old is this one?" The emphasis old. I could just see Kyfa cringing on the other end of the phone waiting for my standard reply of well, I think he's about....21, but you know a very mature 21. However now worries this time, this one will be turning 28 sometime this calender year.

He's cute, has a good job, has an apartment downtown, as in doesn't live with his parents (double standard I know, but seriously, both of us can't live with are parents!), he plays guitar (well) and get this, can solve Rubik's Cube puzzles. Seriously. I watched. Then I messed it up a little and tried to solve it myself. However in the process of "solving" the puzzle I muddled it up in a way that was seemingly hopeless. That is until I handed it over, and in about 5 minutes, he had all those frustrating little square of colour back on their respective sides.

It was this feat solely that cemented this crush. Therefore should we one day be married, I have a wonderful little anecdote for the wedding! The trick now is get this "good boy" to stiffen his back bone and ask me out!

This "good boy" does have drawbacks and they include.

(a) He lives downtown, as in TO. I currently live 2 hours from there. That can make casual dating difficult, as one of us has to drive 2 hour for said fictional dates.

(b) When I say "one of us" I mean me, as he doesn't own a car. (This however is perfectly acceptable in the metropolis of Toronto, so more of an annoyance, then a real drawback)
(c) I met him through a good friend. Warning Cynical thoughts: Should things progress to a certain point, but then fizzle or worse crash, I may have to run into him again. Seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, I don't really want another. On the other hand, seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, what's one more?
(d) He hasn't actually asked me out. (I have it on good authority, it's not because "He's just not that into me" as he told my friend's boyfriend that he was into me)

As it stands now, there is no immediate future plans to see him again. Our mutual friend, Shki, does not live close to either of us, but has promised to casually mention me when she does see him.

That Big Mountain Feeling

I choose to be happy.







This has been my mandate for the year 2008. Sometimes this is remarkably easy to do. Other times, nearly impossible.

The entire premise is based upon the fact that we have the tendency to see the worst in people, expect the worse, and in general assume bad things are going to happen to you. Basically you end up sweating the small stuff that really there is no reason to worry about. I mean why worry about something that might not ever happen? Or why let a bad mood ruin an otherwise wonderful night with friends? I know I have. Once I’m down in the dumps it can be hard to get out of, it’s so horribly easy to dwell on the bad stuff and then let it snowball out in disproportionately gigantic, implausible "what ifs".

So instead I choose to not worry. To not dwell. To remove myself from situations, that makes that impossible. Take a deep breath and remember the feeling I had zooming down Big Mountain over my NYE holiday.

It all sounds so very Zen, and grown-up. I pat myself on the back at how responsible and enlightened I have become. Why to go Me!

And yet, I am not on speaking terms with one of my co-workers (I don't know why, but my iPod gets me through the day). I still choose the wrong men (sometimes I even choose the same wrong man repeatedly). I still dream incessantly that my real life will start any day now.

Maybe the first step is to realize I have control of how I feel on a day to day basis. Then you work on making decisions that allow to just be happy, not to have to choose to be happy.


However this new ablitly of mine. It really does work wonders. I smile a lot more. And who doesn't want to smile more?