It's been 10 days...

We've been part for a month. But it's been 10 days with no communication. That's 3x as long as we ever went without talking in 3 years. 

I asked for it. I said I wasn't ready to be friends. How could I be?

But now no one asks how my day was.  No one laughs at my silly dog with me. No one cares if I send my evenings watching TV. 

Stuck

I find myself stuck between wishing he’d stop all this silliness and realize what we had was special and good and worth keeping and just come home to me. And wishing I could be angry at him, that I didn’t miss him with such intensity.

I want better. I want trust and a real partnership. I don’t trust myself not to take him back.

But its cold and its quiet and I had forgotten what real loneliness is.

I met a boy.

I met a boy.

We talked.

He bought me a drink.

He asked for my number. I gave it.

I thought that might be it. It wasn’t.

He texted. I replied.

He called and we talked.

He called again.

I called.

Plans were made. Picnic in the park as my small dog would chaperone.

There were no fireworks. Not even sparklers.

Should I see him again? Have been debating this. Daylight dog park dates are not overly romantic.

The date was Saturday afternoon, its now Tuesday evening. I haven’t heard from him.

Maybe my small dog and vegetarian diet was too much for him.

Maybe this is a decision I won’t have to make.

*Ed Note* It's been over a week, think its safe to say he didn't feel the fireworks either.

Appalling Trend

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

1. High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
2. High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
3. A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
4. High School Crush :: Home Owners
5. Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
6. Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
7. The Youngen' :: 3+ years
   
8. J :: 3+ years
9. Lumberjack :: unknown
10. RC :: has yet to have next relationship
11. The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
12. Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

Closing the Book on RC

Remember this guy?

RC

The boy who last year had me all twitterpated.

Steadily my interest has been falling. I waited for him to open up, to talk to me without needing some liquid courage. To even muster of the confidence to ask me for my phone number (or get it from our mutual friends...I'm not picky as to how he got procession of those 10 numbers).

He didn't.

After several kissing sessions I friended him on facebook.

After at least two (mostly platonic) sleepovers he still wasn't responding the way I had hoped. So I let him drift. He was just a friend and I? Well I was tangled up with the Lumberjack.

A few weeks ago there was a party.

RC came into town. I was months deep into a dry spell that had no end in sight (little did I know...). He was into the rye, I was enjoying some beers. The only other cute boy at the party just adopted a puppy with his gf (isn't that always the way). When the time came to go home, I invited him back to my apartment (this was rather more embarrassing then usual as my downstairs neighbour happened to be the cab driver who picked us up).

Things progressed as they are wont to do. Only it wasn't...well good.

It wasn't bad per se...but even in my beer soaked hadn't kissed a boy in months state, I knew it wasn't good.

We fell asleep. No pillow talk. No snuggling.

We woke up. He stated my dog snored (she does) I joked "so do you" (that at least got a little smile).

He dressed. Said he was going to go see what his buddies were up to.

No number exchange. No kiss goodbye.

Worst of all. He said "get away fucker" to Gaia, my 10lb puppy as she chased him around my room in the morning ecstatic to have someone new to play with.

That moment.

That moment there is when I realized, despite my previous desires this boy was not the boy for me.

Missing Girl

She was happy. Bright. Confident. Going places. Things were not going to stand in her way. The future spread out ahead with limitless possibilities. School. Career. Boys. Men. Husband. Girlfriends. Aunt. Children. She planned on making a difference. Making the world a brighter place for the next generation.

She is lost. Trapped somewhere. Screaming to get out.

For years the ebb and flow of depression has been on the periphery. Never in complete control always pushed under. Let out at night alone under the cloak of darkness. Now the tide is high.

Insecurity. Guilt. Anxiety. Worthlessness. Worst of all engulfing loneliness has replaced the joy that lit her blue eyes. The days march on blurring together. Every sunset bringing afresh wave guilt as the endless to do list continues to grow with nothing checked off.

The bright girl looks out from her prison unable to recognize the shambles that has become a reality.

The dishes pile in the sink. Laundry in the basket. Paper s unfinished. Calls unanswered. Friendships left dangling; the energy it takes to hide the internal darkness is too much to bear.

The bright girl. The shining girl. She screams.

Sometimes you can hear her.

Post Christmas Wish

While I have been away, and I do intend to get back to regular blogging when I get back to regular life (whatever that is). I have been faithfully reading this blog for a long time and during some of my loneliest times her blog has made me laugh. Now she has a request and I thought I'd pass it along to my readers as well.


My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Return

I've been gone a long time now.

The reasons for that include depression and anxiety which was solved which medication and the difficult decision to withdraw from school.

I had attempted to write several posts about how the depression felt to me, but as I read them over I found them to dark to keep, as I am really trying to put the last few months behind me and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.

I'm feeling better and more optimistic then I have in over a year. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my life. I'm nervous too, but it's more a nervous anticipation for the future holds as opposed to the anxiety of the past.

I plan to get back to blogging, about my attempt to really find my place.

After all,

There's no where to go but up.

Highway of Heroes

10am

Driving home, blurry-eyed.

Mind on my own problems.

Slowly the fact that traffic seems to slow at every over pass tickles into my over active mind.

Slowly the fact that every over pass holds an emergency vechicle.

Police.

Fire.

Ambulance.

Families in minivans are camped out on the side of the service road running parrallel to the highway.

At the site of the Canadian Flag my brain finally catches up with my eyes.

I'm traveling the Highway of Heroes.

Today two of our soldiers are being repatriated.

People are showing their support.

Solidarity.

Instantly tears welling in my eyes, quickly spilling down my cheeks.

Ten minutes ago I was worried about now what seems like small insignificant problems.

The tears didn't stop until I got home.

Midnight

It's hot.

Summer has finally arrived in my little corner of the world. Including 30C plus days with the humidity that goes along with it.

This past week I rediscovered a favourite small pleasure of mine.

My apartment stays tropically hot long after the sun has gone down. Leaving me to sleep with a fan, in minimal attire and only my sheet for cover.

Eventually the fan does its job and the finally cool outside air comes inside.

I'm chilled.

Half awake, I pull my duvet over my cool skin.

Instantly warmth envelops me as I snuggle deeper into the folds of my bed and drift back to sleep.