While I have been away, and I do intend to get back to regular blogging when I get back to regular life (whatever that is). I have been faithfully reading this blog for a long time and during some of my loneliest times her blog has made me laugh. Now she has a request and I thought I'd pass it along to my readers as well.
My name is brandy. And I have a blog.
And a plea.
I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.
He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.
The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.
As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.
I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).
I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.
I did.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Return
I've been gone a long time now.
The reasons for that include depression and anxiety which was solved which medication and the difficult decision to withdraw from school.
I had attempted to write several posts about how the depression felt to me, but as I read them over I found them to dark to keep, as I am really trying to put the last few months behind me and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.
I'm feeling better and more optimistic then I have in over a year. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my life. I'm nervous too, but it's more a nervous anticipation for the future holds as opposed to the anxiety of the past.
I plan to get back to blogging, about my attempt to really find my place.
After all,
There's no where to go but up.
The reasons for that include depression and anxiety which was solved which medication and the difficult decision to withdraw from school.
I had attempted to write several posts about how the depression felt to me, but as I read them over I found them to dark to keep, as I am really trying to put the last few months behind me and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.
I'm feeling better and more optimistic then I have in over a year. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my life. I'm nervous too, but it's more a nervous anticipation for the future holds as opposed to the anxiety of the past.
I plan to get back to blogging, about my attempt to really find my place.
After all,
There's no where to go but up.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Highway of Heroes
10am
Driving home, blurry-eyed.
Mind on my own problems.
Slowly the fact that traffic seems to slow at every over pass tickles into my over active mind.
Slowly the fact that every over pass holds an emergency vechicle.
Police.
Fire.
Ambulance.
Families in minivans are camped out on the side of the service road running parrallel to the highway.
At the site of the Canadian Flag my brain finally catches up with my eyes.
I'm traveling the Highway of Heroes.
Today two of our soldiers are being repatriated.
People are showing their support.
Solidarity.
Instantly tears welling in my eyes, quickly spilling down my cheeks.
Ten minutes ago I was worried about now what seems like small insignificant problems.
The tears didn't stop until I got home.
Driving home, blurry-eyed.
Mind on my own problems.
Slowly the fact that traffic seems to slow at every over pass tickles into my over active mind.
Slowly the fact that every over pass holds an emergency vechicle.
Police.
Fire.
Ambulance.
Families in minivans are camped out on the side of the service road running parrallel to the highway.
At the site of the Canadian Flag my brain finally catches up with my eyes.
I'm traveling the Highway of Heroes.
Today two of our soldiers are being repatriated.
People are showing their support.
Solidarity.
Instantly tears welling in my eyes, quickly spilling down my cheeks.
Ten minutes ago I was worried about now what seems like small insignificant problems.
The tears didn't stop until I got home.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Midnight
It's hot.
Summer has finally arrived in my little corner of the world. Including 30C plus days with the humidity that goes along with it.
This past week I rediscovered a favourite small pleasure of mine.
My apartment stays tropically hot long after the sun has gone down. Leaving me to sleep with a fan, in minimal attire and only my sheet for cover.
Eventually the fan does its job and the finally cool outside air comes inside.
I'm chilled.
Half awake, I pull my duvet over my cool skin.
Instantly warmth envelops me as I snuggle deeper into the folds of my bed and drift back to sleep.
Summer has finally arrived in my little corner of the world. Including 30C plus days with the humidity that goes along with it.
This past week I rediscovered a favourite small pleasure of mine.
My apartment stays tropically hot long after the sun has gone down. Leaving me to sleep with a fan, in minimal attire and only my sheet for cover.
Eventually the fan does its job and the finally cool outside air comes inside.
I'm chilled.
Half awake, I pull my duvet over my cool skin.
Instantly warmth envelops me as I snuggle deeper into the folds of my bed and drift back to sleep.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Left Behind
Selfish. Childish. Self Absorbed. Bad Friend.
That's how I feel.
Remember my friend PhD? How told me she and her bf were thinking about trying for kids in the fall? Well she pushed the date up. A. Lot.
Clearly she had misrepresented her desire to have children to me over the past few months when in reality she wanted one now. As in yesterday. I only discovered this while spending time with our our mutual friend who has one 8month old and another one on the way.
Turns out that my friends are all incredibly fertile and she is indeed preggers. Now. As in due this February. (I should note that my girlfriends have always been rather lax about birth control. And the fact that they never had an unplanned pregnancy is amazing).
As I said before, I am happy for her, but everything is baby. Literally everything. The woman is opening a Maternity Studio. I'm hearing about how tired she is. How big her boobs are getting, how sore they are. How her brother, whom she lives with (she owns a house with her younger sibs) is not adjusting. How he may have to move out or give up his dog (granted the dog is not great with kids, but her dog will also have to adapt) and he is not adjusting.
I'm struggling with my own problems. I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I may be falling for a guy who does not want kids. That babies may not be in the future for me (it is something I am steeling myself for and not soley because of Lumberjack, there are a whole host of reasons).
I suppose I should be happy that I have such fertile friends. I'll have many neices and nefews to spoil in the years to come. But in the meantime I'm feeling lost. Left behind. Selfish.
That's how I feel.
Remember my friend PhD? How told me she and her bf were thinking about trying for kids in the fall? Well she pushed the date up. A. Lot.
Clearly she had misrepresented her desire to have children to me over the past few months when in reality she wanted one now. As in yesterday. I only discovered this while spending time with our our mutual friend who has one 8month old and another one on the way.
Turns out that my friends are all incredibly fertile and she is indeed preggers. Now. As in due this February. (I should note that my girlfriends have always been rather lax about birth control. And the fact that they never had an unplanned pregnancy is amazing).
As I said before, I am happy for her, but everything is baby. Literally everything. The woman is opening a Maternity Studio. I'm hearing about how tired she is. How big her boobs are getting, how sore they are. How her brother, whom she lives with (she owns a house with her younger sibs) is not adjusting. How he may have to move out or give up his dog (granted the dog is not great with kids, but her dog will also have to adapt) and he is not adjusting.
I'm struggling with my own problems. I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I may be falling for a guy who does not want kids. That babies may not be in the future for me (it is something I am steeling myself for and not soley because of Lumberjack, there are a whole host of reasons).
I suppose I should be happy that I have such fertile friends. I'll have many neices and nefews to spoil in the years to come. But in the meantime I'm feeling lost. Left behind. Selfish.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Bomb
"I worry so much about my niece getting hurt."
"I can barely take care of myself"
"I don't want to have kids."
hmmmmm.
After telling Lumberjack that yet another of my girlfriends is knocked up (more to come on that) those were his thoughts.
Problem? Deal-breaker? (did we even have a deal?)
What to do when your sort-of boyfriend, that you only see once a month, that you do not think about long term, drops that bomb?
"I can barely take care of myself"
"I don't want to have kids."
hmmmmm.
After telling Lumberjack that yet another of my girlfriends is knocked up (more to come on that) those were his thoughts.
Problem? Deal-breaker? (did we even have a deal?)
What to do when your sort-of boyfriend, that you only see once a month, that you do not think about long term, drops that bomb?
Tally II
Tigerlily 0 : Science 2
*Essential piece of equipment has been broken for a week! Cannot redo my previously contaminated samples until its running again.
Feel the stress build.
*Essential piece of equipment has been broken for a week! Cannot redo my previously contaminated samples until its running again.
Feel the stress build.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Tally
"How goes the battle?"
"I think I'm losing."
"OHHHHH, you should keep a tally between you and science...you know to see whose winning"
On that note starting now:
Tigerlily 0: Science 1
"I think I'm losing."
"OHHHHH, you should keep a tally between you and science...you know to see whose winning"
On that note starting now:
Tigerlily 0: Science 1
Monday, June 1, 2009
Again and Again
I am facing a huge set back. So big that I really should not be writing about it, and should instead be facing it and moving forward. But since I can remember I have liked to write my problems out in order to analyze them from all sides and therefore hopefully come to the most appropriate solution (can you tell I have a science background?).
The problem is that for the last few weeks I have been working toward finishing my lab analysis of the soil samples I collected last fall for my Masters. The process I am currently working on is lengthly and time consuming if not actually hard (as all lab work seems to be) requiring about 13hours to process 30-40 samples (I have 200 total).
This morning I was ready to run about 60 of these through an instrument to finally get some kind of usable number (this will take another 6-8hours not included in the first 13, see what I mean about time consuming?). But during the machines 'warm up' something horrible was discovered. The reagent I had use to mix all my solutions was contaminated with the very elements I was trying to detect! Meaning all the time I had put into these samples has been wasted. They are garbage. Worthless, and already down the drain.
I had optimistically hoped to finish all these lengthy and time consuming processes by the end of next week. Instead I find myself starting over from scratch tomorrow.
Scratch.
Nevermind that I should have had these done in the winter. Nevermind that the list of things to do is getting so long it makes my head hurt to think about. Nevermind that it's the 1st of June and I am frezing in my office (seriously summer...don't tease me with glorious weather only to take it back so hatefully!).
There really is nothing to do other then do it. Again.
Like so many other aspects of my life I am once again starting over.
Again and again.
Seriously...I signed up for this?
The problem is that for the last few weeks I have been working toward finishing my lab analysis of the soil samples I collected last fall for my Masters. The process I am currently working on is lengthly and time consuming if not actually hard (as all lab work seems to be) requiring about 13hours to process 30-40 samples (I have 200 total).
This morning I was ready to run about 60 of these through an instrument to finally get some kind of usable number (this will take another 6-8hours not included in the first 13, see what I mean about time consuming?). But during the machines 'warm up' something horrible was discovered. The reagent I had use to mix all my solutions was contaminated with the very elements I was trying to detect! Meaning all the time I had put into these samples has been wasted. They are garbage. Worthless, and already down the drain.
I had optimistically hoped to finish all these lengthy and time consuming processes by the end of next week. Instead I find myself starting over from scratch tomorrow.
Scratch.
Nevermind that I should have had these done in the winter. Nevermind that the list of things to do is getting so long it makes my head hurt to think about. Nevermind that it's the 1st of June and I am frezing in my office (seriously summer...don't tease me with glorious weather only to take it back so hatefully!).
There really is nothing to do other then do it. Again.
Like so many other aspects of my life I am once again starting over.
Again and again.
Seriously...I signed up for this?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Babies
I took last week off.
Went up to my parents and enjoyed the sun and the lake. (It was finally 30ish degrees C!). Aside from the fact that I don't really need a reason to take a vacation my best friend was visiting from the land down under.
Double K is a girl I have known my entire life, I don't remember meeting her because we were less then a year old when my Dad and her Mom
ran into each other in our small town's post office. We don't see each other much these days as she has been living in Australia for about four years now with her fiance.
This particular visit was extra sweet as she hadn't been in Canada since fall of 2007, the reason for length of time between visits is this....she had a baby!
Marli Morgan, born Sept 18 2008.
I got to meet this darling girl on her 8 month birthday.
It was love at first site. I would have teared up if we hadn't been in a large group when I saw her! She looks just like her Double K. Its amazing.
Despite the fact that most of my friends have babies or want babies as soon as possible I was never part of that crowd. I think kids are cute and all, but I was never sure if I wanted one myself.
This may stem from many reasons, starting with the overwhelming responsibility and ending with the lack my lack of a serious/or long term relationship in a few years. But seeing that little girls face light up when she saw her mother and how my life long friend absolutely glowed even when speaking about her....for the first time I know that I do want kids.
Not right away. But one day.
But for now I'll settle on being the best Auntie. I am very happy to announce the Double K, her fiance and Marli will be moving back to Canada this fall on account that they are expecting their 2nd child this Decemeber! They will be moving to Vancouver (which is approximately 4000kms from me) but at least they'll be in the coutry!
Double K would like everyone to know that nursing...not a perfect birth control method! She hadn't even gotten her period back...so it took her a bit to notice something was 'off'. They are happy and busy and will soon be busier, as by Christmas they will have a newborm and and 13 month old!
* yes I am the Auntie that fed the baby lemon...I wanted to laugh at her sour face...however the trick was on me...no sour face. The girl likes lemons!
Went up to my parents and enjoyed the sun and the lake. (It was finally 30ish degrees C!). Aside from the fact that I don't really need a reason to take a vacation my best friend was visiting from the land down under.
Double K is a girl I have known my entire life, I don't remember meeting her because we were less then a year old when my Dad and her Mom
ran into each other in our small town's post office. We don't see each other much these days as she has been living in Australia for about four years now with her fiance.
This particular visit was extra sweet as she hadn't been in Canada since fall of 2007, the reason for length of time between visits is this....she had a baby!
Marli Morgan, born Sept 18 2008.
I got to meet this darling girl on her 8 month birthday.
It was love at first site. I would have teared up if we hadn't been in a large group when I saw her! She looks just like her Double K. Its amazing.
Despite the fact that most of my friends have babies or want babies as soon as possible I was never part of that crowd. I think kids are cute and all, but I was never sure if I wanted one myself.
This may stem from many reasons, starting with the overwhelming responsibility and ending with the lack my lack of a serious/or long term relationship in a few years. But seeing that little girls face light up when she saw her mother and how my life long friend absolutely glowed even when speaking about her....for the first time I know that I do want kids.
Not right away. But one day.
But for now I'll settle on being the best Auntie. I am very happy to announce the Double K, her fiance and Marli will be moving back to Canada this fall on account that they are expecting their 2nd child this Decemeber! They will be moving to Vancouver (which is approximately 4000kms from me) but at least they'll be in the coutry!
Double K would like everyone to know that nursing...not a perfect birth control method! She hadn't even gotten her period back...so it took her a bit to notice something was 'off'. They are happy and busy and will soon be busier, as by Christmas they will have a newborm and and 13 month old!
* yes I am the Auntie that fed the baby lemon...I wanted to laugh at her sour face...however the trick was on me...no sour face. The girl likes lemons!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Garbage
I have been wondering what to do with my garbage for awhile.
Yes, I recycle, but I can't compost. I live in an apartment so I have no backyard, and my city does not pick up compostables.
But thats not really what I've been curious about.
I have never been one to buy garbage bags. I mean seriously do we need more plastic bags? I have always used old grocery bags to line the pails in my kitchen and bathroom. But since cloth bags became so readily available and many stores (even the upscale ones) are charging for bags my supply of 'free' garbage bags has dwindled.
So what to do?
Continue to get plastic grocery bags every 3rd shop to keep my supplies up? However pop culture would have one believe that using plastic is evil. But that is at least better then buying new plastic bags thats sole purpose is to be thrown out...at least I'm reusing right?
Yesterday though I discovered biodegradable garbage bags. $4.99 for 20 bags for the very small ones (roughly 25cents a bag). So still more then paying for grocery bags which run between 5 and 10cents.
The bags actually seem different then regular plastic. And it says right on the box to keep them dry and inside to maintain their integrity. Hopefully this is a good option.
Yes, I recycle, but I can't compost. I live in an apartment so I have no backyard, and my city does not pick up compostables.
But thats not really what I've been curious about.
I have never been one to buy garbage bags. I mean seriously do we need more plastic bags? I have always used old grocery bags to line the pails in my kitchen and bathroom. But since cloth bags became so readily available and many stores (even the upscale ones) are charging for bags my supply of 'free' garbage bags has dwindled.
So what to do?
Continue to get plastic grocery bags every 3rd shop to keep my supplies up? However pop culture would have one believe that using plastic is evil. But that is at least better then buying new plastic bags thats sole purpose is to be thrown out...at least I'm reusing right?
Yesterday though I discovered biodegradable garbage bags. $4.99 for 20 bags for the very small ones (roughly 25cents a bag). So still more then paying for grocery bags which run between 5 and 10cents.
The bags actually seem different then regular plastic. And it says right on the box to keep them dry and inside to maintain their integrity. Hopefully this is a good option.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Can't Do It.
Phone sex.
I can't do it.
Lumberjack and I had our first encounter with, I suppose, the inevitable last night.
The phone was ringing as I stepped out of the shower.
“Hey you just caught me getting out of the shower”
“So you’re not wearing anything”
“No actually I’m not”
“Tell me what else you’re doing”
And that’s were I start laughing and say sorry I can’t do it.
One would think someone in an LD relationship might enjoy a little sexy time over the air waves. But me I find it forced and fake.
I’d rather do the real thing or nothing at all….
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Long Distance....?
Lumberjack and I are officially in a long distance...er...something.
As I've said before he lives in Timmins, which is 8 hours away. Lucky for me he works on the road and that brings him near me fairly regularly.
But not lately and not in the near future.
They have him traveling all over northern Ontario.
Not sure when he'll be back to where the snow has been gone for over a month. (seriously his plans last weekend included keeping beer cold in a snow bank*. It was 24C where I was, and thats tanning weather!)
Was I premature in saying that long distance would work? Does it ever work? The only time it makes sense is in short predetermined lengths of time (you know a 3 month internship out of town sort of thing). We are long distance indefinitely. No end point. We never even had a relationship in order to base this on. It seems crazy to be even attempting a relationship. Yet when I climb into bed at night its his arms I wish it was his chest my head rested on, his arms around me.
I'm hesitant to call him my boyfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. We talk regularly. We laugh. We complain about how long its been since we've seen each other, taking comfort in the fact that the other feels the same way.
Ultimately it comes down to the fact our lives are kilometers apart. 682km. Can that distance be bridged?
We are tied together by threads.
Thread can be incredibly strong, or snap in an instant.
*note I originally wrote this a few weeks ago and am hoping that the snow has finally melted up there, however they are calling for some this weekend.
As I've said before he lives in Timmins, which is 8 hours away. Lucky for me he works on the road and that brings him near me fairly regularly.
But not lately and not in the near future.
They have him traveling all over northern Ontario.
Not sure when he'll be back to where the snow has been gone for over a month. (seriously his plans last weekend included keeping beer cold in a snow bank*. It was 24C where I was, and thats tanning weather!)
Was I premature in saying that long distance would work? Does it ever work? The only time it makes sense is in short predetermined lengths of time (you know a 3 month internship out of town sort of thing). We are long distance indefinitely. No end point. We never even had a relationship in order to base this on. It seems crazy to be even attempting a relationship. Yet when I climb into bed at night its his arms I wish it was his chest my head rested on, his arms around me.
I'm hesitant to call him my boyfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. We talk regularly. We laugh. We complain about how long its been since we've seen each other, taking comfort in the fact that the other feels the same way.
Ultimately it comes down to the fact our lives are kilometers apart. 682km. Can that distance be bridged?
We are tied together by threads.
Thread can be incredibly strong, or snap in an instant.
*note I originally wrote this a few weeks ago and am hoping that the snow has finally melted up there, however they are calling for some this weekend.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Evidence of a Lost Mind II
Two more tidbits to prove I have indeed lost my mind:
- A few weeks ago I drove back and forth down the same 2km stretch of road trying to decided which way I needed to go only to realized I had it right the first time. I have lived in this city for almost 9months and still am constantly lost.
- Last weekend I got lost again on the same stretch. Only this time my parents were party to my disorientation. (The reason I was driving? I apparently know my way around....)
- Last night after spending 3 hours diluting samples to be analyzed today I stored them in the fridge so would stay fresh. Unfortunately what I determined was a fridge was indeed a freezer. (Don't worry samples not ruined...just frozen and in need of thawing before they can be run)
Monday, May 4, 2009
Results
Have you ever called a Doctors office to get results?
They don't like it.
They like to remind you that they will call you if something is amiss.
I however do not like the "no news is good news" policy. My mind wanders, and I stress over the unknown.
So I called today concerning my blood test results (well I attempted to call 4x between 9 and 9:45 and the call went straight to voice mail, so I went in).
Apparently all is well. Glucose, B12, iron (which I was impressed at as I'm a pseudo vegetarian).
No reason for me to be feeling so sluggish and unfocused.
No magic pill for me *sigh*
I am now attributing my lack of energy to SAD (such a perfect acronym!). Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which basically means a lack of Vitamin D due to lack of sunlight available in these parts, as well as my total lack of exercise over the winter months.
So to that extent I am now getting my heart rate pumping for at least 20mins a day and getting outside and into the sun. I feel better, still having a hard time with motivation and focus, but maybe I'm just out of practice.....
They don't like it.
They like to remind you that they will call you if something is amiss.
I however do not like the "no news is good news" policy. My mind wanders, and I stress over the unknown.
So I called today concerning my blood test results (well I attempted to call 4x between 9 and 9:45 and the call went straight to voice mail, so I went in).
Apparently all is well. Glucose, B12, iron (which I was impressed at as I'm a pseudo vegetarian).
No reason for me to be feeling so sluggish and unfocused.
No magic pill for me *sigh*
I am now attributing my lack of energy to SAD (such a perfect acronym!). Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which basically means a lack of Vitamin D due to lack of sunlight available in these parts, as well as my total lack of exercise over the winter months.
So to that extent I am now getting my heart rate pumping for at least 20mins a day and getting outside and into the sun. I feel better, still having a hard time with motivation and focus, but maybe I'm just out of practice.....
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Evidence of a Lost Mind
I think I've lost my mind.
I have discovered 2 pieces of evidence in as many days.
Stay tuned....
*This is my attempt at sounding smart and science-y...I think I need more practice before I start writing manuscripts!
I have discovered 2 pieces of evidence in as many days.
- Yesterdays events with my keys.
- I have been wearing my underpants inside out all day and didn't notice until now.
Because as a scientist one likes to track such trends in order to have greater confidence in ones conclusions.*
Stay tuned....
*This is my attempt at sounding smart and science-y...I think I need more practice before I start writing manuscripts!
Classic
I realized I forgotten to bring a pen with me to the lab.
Upon retrieving one from my office I managed to lock myself out holding only said pen and (thank god) my cell phone.
Its after hours. My officemate is in Ireland.
I am SOL.
Did I mention safely locked in my office are: my computer, my iPod, my coat, my schoolwork, my apartment keys, AND my car keys. (I do not need to go into the distress of being separted from you computer and iPod do I?)
Campus is so close to the edge of town that beyond its boundaries hi-speed internet does not exist (seriously...its the boonies of central Ontario).
Luckily for me PhD is able to pick me up and my landlord lent me a key to my attic.
This mornings attempt to ride public transit to campus was not so easy. Resulting in my being almost an hour late for a meeting.
Classic.
Upon retrieving one from my office I managed to lock myself out holding only said pen and (thank god) my cell phone.
Its after hours. My officemate is in Ireland.
I am SOL.
Did I mention safely locked in my office are: my computer, my iPod, my coat, my schoolwork, my apartment keys, AND my car keys. (I do not need to go into the distress of being separted from you computer and iPod do I?)
Campus is so close to the edge of town that beyond its boundaries hi-speed internet does not exist (seriously...its the boonies of central Ontario).
Luckily for me PhD is able to pick me up and my landlord lent me a key to my attic.
This mornings attempt to ride public transit to campus was not so easy. Resulting in my being almost an hour late for a meeting.
Classic.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Montreal
My weekend to Montreal was AH-mazing!
It started with a sunny Friday which made the idea of the 5.5 hour that much more bearable. I even got to ride shot gun! (PhD's bf got stuck in the back while she drove) As both PhD and I are, as they say, starving students, we bunked in at the bf's sisters house. The two other members of the trip (which included RC) took the train and were forced to stay in a $200 a night hotel (those boys have real jobs). Sister is the chef at a fantabulous restaurant, Cavalli, and was able to get us a last minute reso. And we dined.
Oh, how we dined.
Free bottle service. Free appitizers. Free pasta. Half price entrays. Free desserts (there were too delicious to turn down, even though I was stuffed to the brim!)
I could try to describe the oysters, tuna tar tar, octopus, tempura shrimp, truffle lace mac & cheese, lobster, seabass, creme brulee, and homemade icecream. But there is no way I do it justice. Just know that every bit was a magical taste sensation.
Worth every blister my poor feet sustained by strapping on last years sexy wedges for the first time.
I believe RC attempted his personal brand of hitting on me. However he may not have been, he is kind of ambiguous. Either way he was brushed off, poor awkward-around-girls guy.
The rest of the weekend included cheering for the Habs (which was remarkably like cheering for the leafs, but slightly more fun as we had clackers to make an obnoxious amount of noise.) and watching the UFC fights (which I have yet to decide if I dispise of am indifferent to).
There was very little site seeing which I will have to rectify the next time I make it to Canada's little piece of Europe.
It started with a sunny Friday which made the idea of the 5.5 hour that much more bearable. I even got to ride shot gun! (PhD's bf got stuck in the back while she drove) As both PhD and I are, as they say, starving students, we bunked in at the bf's sisters house. The two other members of the trip (which included RC) took the train and were forced to stay in a $200 a night hotel (those boys have real jobs). Sister is the chef at a fantabulous restaurant, Cavalli, and was able to get us a last minute reso. And we dined.
Oh, how we dined.
Free bottle service. Free appitizers. Free pasta. Half price entrays. Free desserts (there were too delicious to turn down, even though I was stuffed to the brim!)
I could try to describe the oysters, tuna tar tar, octopus, tempura shrimp, truffle lace mac & cheese, lobster, seabass, creme brulee, and homemade icecream. But there is no way I do it justice. Just know that every bit was a magical taste sensation.
Worth every blister my poor feet sustained by strapping on last years sexy wedges for the first time.
I believe RC attempted his personal brand of hitting on me. However he may not have been, he is kind of ambiguous. Either way he was brushed off, poor awkward-around-girls guy.
The rest of the weekend included cheering for the Habs (which was remarkably like cheering for the leafs, but slightly more fun as we had clackers to make an obnoxious amount of noise.) and watching the UFC fights (which I have yet to decide if I dispise of am indifferent to).
There was very little site seeing which I will have to rectify the next time I make it to Canada's little piece of Europe.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Blood.
Today I'm going to get my blood tested for hypothyroidism (among other things). Symptoms of this condition include: fatigue, sluggishness, increased sensitivity to cold, pale dry skin (which I've been attributing to cold Canadian winter), unexplained weight gain, muscle aches, weakness, brittle finger nails and hair, depression. I have been feeling all of these things. I was tested a few years ago and was negative. However my current doctor (who I love!) says I should be tested once a year due to my strong family history (Sister, Father, Grandmother, and Aunt).
I'm really hoping that this is whats been causing me to be so exhausted, and my inability to concentrate longer then your average 6 year old the day after Halloween. I've also just learned that its really easy to max out on if you have hypothyroidism so unlike most people who will stay up all night after the amount of caffeine I was drinking I crash similar to how a sugar high works.
Is it weird to hope you have a condition that has some less then fun complications? If it is Hypothyroidism I can start treatment and start feeling better.
I'm really hoping that this is whats been causing me to be so exhausted, and my inability to concentrate longer then your average 6 year old the day after Halloween. I've also just learned that its really easy to max out on if you have hypothyroidism so unlike most people who will stay up all night after the amount of caffeine I was drinking I crash similar to how a sugar high works.
Is it weird to hope you have a condition that has some less then fun complications? If it is Hypothyroidism I can start treatment and start feeling better.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Walk of Shame
In anticipation of a road trip of 6 that includes among other PhD, her BF (its his 29th!) and RC. I thought I share the story of why RC and I never made it past the making out on the couch portion of our relationship.
It was Christmas. There was a party at PhD's. Her BF kept my wine glass full.
RC and I stole kisses in the master bedroom as the evening progressed (I later swore to PhD that all 4 of our feet stayed on the ground at all times!).
As the night drew to a close RC convinced me it would be best if I went back to his place to sleep. I agreed.
However when we got there things didn't go as he had planned. After a few mintues of kissing we both passed out. And thats when things went downhill.
In the morning we were both a little worse for wear. He was more then a little. I attempted to snuggle. No reation. Not no movement, no sound, nothing. Eventually he mentioned he had a headache but refused my offer of advil. I improvised and ran my fingers through his hair. Again Nothing. No reaction. (I love it when someone runs their fingers through my hair!).
I decided it was time to go. As I was locating my belongings he asked:
"Do you want me to walk you out?" (yes)
"Its okay, you don't have to" (but you should)
He didn't and I walked up to meet my friends for breakfast alone.
It was Christmas. There was a party at PhD's. Her BF kept my wine glass full.
RC and I stole kisses in the master bedroom as the evening progressed (I later swore to PhD that all 4 of our feet stayed on the ground at all times!).
As the night drew to a close RC convinced me it would be best if I went back to his place to sleep. I agreed.
However when we got there things didn't go as he had planned. After a few mintues of kissing we both passed out. And thats when things went downhill.
In the morning we were both a little worse for wear. He was more then a little. I attempted to snuggle. No reation. Not no movement, no sound, nothing. Eventually he mentioned he had a headache but refused my offer of advil. I improvised and ran my fingers through his hair. Again Nothing. No reaction. (I love it when someone runs their fingers through my hair!).
I decided it was time to go. As I was locating my belongings he asked:
"Do you want me to walk you out?" (yes)
"Its okay, you don't have to" (but you should)
He didn't and I walked up to meet my friends for breakfast alone.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Relapse
Lumberjack and I are seeing each other again.
I know I said I was done. That I was over it. That we were finished.
I lied.
I am a sucker for a guy who looks me in the eyes and says he's in it for real.
The definition of 'real' has yet to be determined.
The definition of 'it' has yet to be determined.
For now I'm not questioning. Just resting my head on his shoulder.
I know I said I was done. That I was over it. That we were finished.
I lied.
I am a sucker for a guy who looks me in the eyes and says he's in it for real.
The definition of 'real' has yet to be determined.
The definition of 'it' has yet to be determined.
For now I'm not questioning. Just resting my head on his shoulder.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
stress
I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. As soon as I lie down my mind fills with 100 things I should be doing yet don't have the energy for. I toss and turn all night sleeping fitfully worrying about how I'm letting everyone down, namely myself for not being a better scholar. Nausea has become an almost daily occurrence. Never too strong, just enough to make the thought of fast movements or food unappealing. I haven't had to vomit due to stress since the fall. Thats a milestone. Nothing like trying to non-nonchalantly leave class to toss your cookies in a public washroom to make a girl feel on top. Nothing like returning to class after having only the use of water to rinse your mouth.
It is getting better. But I still feel like I'm climbing a hill that keeps getting higher the more I climb.
*edit* I have discovered Peach Ginger tea helps with the nausea.
It is getting better. But I still feel like I'm climbing a hill that keeps getting higher the more I climb.
*edit* I have discovered Peach Ginger tea helps with the nausea.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Babies
Babies.
All my friends are having them. Married friends and not married friends (actually it seems more people are not getting married but choosing to have kids instead of marriage, or at least before marriage).
I am very happy for each of my girlfriends when they announced their impending bundle of joy. Seriously I am happy for them. But each time I hear we're going to have/to start trying to have a baby its I feel my heart drop.
Apparently I am selfish.
I don't want things to change. I like that in the summers we can sit around the pool/lake and drink one too many cocktails (or any at all!). I like that our conversations are not centered around how well Suzy is sleeping or how do you knit soakers (what the hell are soakers?).
I hate to say it, but I'm jealous of my best friends suddenly having more in common with our "fringe" friends then they do with me.
I'm starting to feel left behind.
I'm 27, still in school (or in school again?), no serious boyfriend to speak of. Kids just are not on my radar. The fact that they feature so prominently in some of my friends lives makes me wonder if I've been doing something wrong.
What prompted this?
PhD. The last girlfriend from my hometown, my last unmarried, unpregnant girlfriend told me today that she and her bf will likely starting trying in the fall.
Worst of all, she was scared to tell me. She was afraid of my reaction.
Which is of course Happy.
With a side of sinking heart.
All my friends are having them. Married friends and not married friends (actually it seems more people are not getting married but choosing to have kids instead of marriage, or at least before marriage).
I am very happy for each of my girlfriends when they announced their impending bundle of joy. Seriously I am happy for them. But each time I hear we're going to have/to start trying to have a baby its I feel my heart drop.
Apparently I am selfish.
I don't want things to change. I like that in the summers we can sit around the pool/lake and drink one too many cocktails (or any at all!). I like that our conversations are not centered around how well Suzy is sleeping or how do you knit soakers (what the hell are soakers?).
I hate to say it, but I'm jealous of my best friends suddenly having more in common with our "fringe" friends then they do with me.
I'm starting to feel left behind.
I'm 27, still in school (or in school again?), no serious boyfriend to speak of. Kids just are not on my radar. The fact that they feature so prominently in some of my friends lives makes me wonder if I've been doing something wrong.
What prompted this?
PhD. The last girlfriend from my hometown, my last unmarried, unpregnant girlfriend told me today that she and her bf will likely starting trying in the fall.
Worst of all, she was scared to tell me. She was afraid of my reaction.
Which is of course Happy.
With a side of sinking heart.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Weekend Update
This past weekend was a very eventful one. a la bullet.
- I got my hair done.
- Wrote a paper until 2:30am at my parents house on Friday night.
- Finished a baby present minutes before leaving for the shower.
- Got "lost" on the way to the shower (by lost I mean I missed my exit and subsequent exits not realizing until I was started down a looooong stretch of highway with no way to turn around, yet another reason not to talk on a cell phone while driving).
- Arrived at the shower in time for the food!
- Missed the present opening entirely.
- Got text from interent date saying he had a good time
- Called to confirm evenings engagement party plans.
- Learned that I was unable to get ready with my girlfriends b/c both Ex Accountant (plus fiance) and Lumberjack were to be at R&R's
- Make alternate plans to arrive at party alone which involve an extremely long time on public transit.
- Arrive at PhD's in time for food! (PhD was not attending this party, different groups of friends but gladly put me so I didn't have to sleep on the street as Ex Accountant took my usual place at R&R's)
- Put on fashion show for girls not going to party and their bfs to decide the most appropriate dress to make ex's feel like they made a HUGE mistake.
- Arrive at party "fashionably" late
- Feel no need to talk to Ex Accountant (if he wants to pretend I never exisited so can I)
- See Lumberjack and avoid joining conversations he apart of but try to do it so he doesn't acutally feel like I'm avoiding him on purpose...not sure if I pulled this off
- Talk to Lumberjack after he sits down next me with no awkwardness
- General laugher drinking and dancing abound
- Plans to leave early were foiled as it was suddenly time to go
- Share cab with 4 others including Lumberjack
- Hold hands sneakily with Lumberjack on way home
- Turn Lumberjack down when he invites me up to his hotel room. (self control...I haz it) opting instead to sleep on a couch
- Wake up tired but not hung over with 2 voicemails from Lumberjack (apparently the dress did work!)
- Return home to unsucessfuly write another paper for school
- Email prof at 5 am to say I was sick all night and would not make it to class
- Get extension on paper (guilty face)
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Will not be bitter
I know it may have sounded like I said no to men. But really I was trying to get away from the negative feelings I had toward relationships. It just feels sometimes that relationships come so easy to some of my friends. Where they don't for me. I even watch guys I know to be decent guys putting up with their crazy girlfriends. Time and time again.
I know we all have a bit of "The Crazy." Sometimes we can control it and sometimes we can't. Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself. What I considered sticking up for myself has, it seems, been seen by the men I've been dating as craziness. I personally think I'm justified in telling a guy he's pissed me off (in a calm, matter of fact kind of way). I also think that it is better then not telling him and letting it stew. However it seems that this can possibly make more you trouble then your worth.
So after years of this I had begun to feel that there were no quality guys left. You know the ones I mean. Guys who are interested in me as a person. Guys who want to (not forced to) meet my friends. Guys who want to meet my family, escort me to weddings, introduce me to their friends and family, make me part of their lives.
I was losing hope. I could feel the bitterness creeping on the edges. I hate talking to bitter girls and do not want to become one.
So how does one avoid such a fate?
I joined an on-line dating community.
(gasp!?!)
It seems desperate. But I know numerous couples who have met online. I expect its going to become more popular as our lives continue to get busier and technology becomes even more intertwined (is that even possible?) with our daily lives.
I have to say the ego boost was immediate. I try to reply to everyone who emails me. As long as they say something more then, "Hi, you're cute." even if I'm not interested.
I wanted reassurance that there are indeed some nice guys still available. While I'm not expecting to meet my soul mate/future husband/long term bf (although I suppose it is a possibility) I'm more looking for a way to jump back into the dating scene.
So tonight I had coffee with a guy I met on the internet. It was a little weird. But he looked like his pics so we talked, we laughed, he paid for my coffee, and walked me to my car. He even asked for my number at the end of the night.
I hadn't been out on a date for a very long time (Lumberjack doesn't count...). It was nice to dress up, put on make-up and perfume...I even shaved my legs (you don't even want to know how long its been ....).
If he calls, great, if not, there are plenty more where he came from.
I know we all have a bit of "The Crazy." Sometimes we can control it and sometimes we can't. Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself. What I considered sticking up for myself has, it seems, been seen by the men I've been dating as craziness. I personally think I'm justified in telling a guy he's pissed me off (in a calm, matter of fact kind of way). I also think that it is better then not telling him and letting it stew. However it seems that this can possibly make more you trouble then your worth.
So after years of this I had begun to feel that there were no quality guys left. You know the ones I mean. Guys who are interested in me as a person. Guys who want to (not forced to) meet my friends. Guys who want to meet my family, escort me to weddings, introduce me to their friends and family, make me part of their lives.
I was losing hope. I could feel the bitterness creeping on the edges. I hate talking to bitter girls and do not want to become one.
So how does one avoid such a fate?
I joined an on-line dating community.
(gasp!?!)
It seems desperate. But I know numerous couples who have met online. I expect its going to become more popular as our lives continue to get busier and technology becomes even more intertwined (is that even possible?) with our daily lives.
I have to say the ego boost was immediate. I try to reply to everyone who emails me. As long as they say something more then, "Hi, you're cute." even if I'm not interested.
I wanted reassurance that there are indeed some nice guys still available. While I'm not expecting to meet my soul mate/future husband/long term bf (although I suppose it is a possibility) I'm more looking for a way to jump back into the dating scene.
So tonight I had coffee with a guy I met on the internet. It was a little weird. But he looked like his pics so we talked, we laughed, he paid for my coffee, and walked me to my car. He even asked for my number at the end of the night.
I hadn't been out on a date for a very long time (Lumberjack doesn't count...). It was nice to dress up, put on make-up and perfume...I even shaved my legs (you don't even want to know how long its been ....).
If he calls, great, if not, there are plenty more where he came from.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
It's Research I Swear!
As part of my duties as a graduate student I provide services as a Teaching Assistant (or TA as we are ‘lovingly’ known as). The class I TA for this semester is Environmental Carcinogenesis (which is a class concerned with how the environment can give you cancer). I feel smart saying that I’m the TA for EC. My background however is in Biology and Environmental Studies (light on the Bio, heavy on the ES). I have a total of 2 classes of Biochem. Yet I was deemed the most appropriate person for the job (they must have been desperate).
All in all it’s not overly hard. I some marking and I have to lead a few discussions on specific papers they were to read. In order for me to lead such discussions I must not only read the papers but must understand them (!).
No problem. I’ll read with Wikipedia near by. Wikipedia knows the answer to everything. Sure enough I come across numerous words I can’t comprehend. I innocently enter a word for a an affliction in male newborns.
Maybe the specification of male newborn should have warned me to what was coming.
I push enter and up pops a penis on my computer screen.
(one might expect a diagram, not a full colour photograph)
I gasp, then giggle and then immediately shut up.
The last thing I need is my office mate to turn around to see what is causing the commotion only to find me browsing porn in the afternoon.
Stifling giggles the whole time I discover what I need know.
Now in case you curious as to the nature of this affliction please consult you own Wikipedia for Hypospadia.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Men. Men. Men.
I hate it when I start to feel that the only thing we/I talk about is men, relationships or the lack thereof. I feel like I'm an independent type girl..er...woman (I mean I've been living on my own for the last 7 years and have managed to keep myself alive). I have a serious quiet side that is prominent during school days, and I have a fun silly let loose side that pops out once in awhile when I'm with my good friends.
I used to feel like I would make a great girlfriend, and most days I still do. But now I'm not so sure that is necessarily what I want. Sure I want someone to be my "Best Friend with Benefits" I want someone to share my life with, good times and the bad, I may even want to start a family one day (!) But I don't want to deal with all the games.
And dating, my friends, is all about the games.
Even if you don't think you're playing you are.
Take Lumberjack, who I haven't heard from since the hairy legs incident (well he did call the day after with a cursory, I had a good time blah blah blah). I've reached a conclusion that I somehow disappointed him by "giving in" to him. That he in fact, wanted me to say no. Or this could be my female mind working overtime and the truth is that he is just a flake who bailed.
I may never know...or maybe I'll find out in 2 weeks as he may or may not be in attendance at an engagement party of our mutual friends (my mute Ex Account has RVSP's yes...so the night may be more interesting then I want).
What else brought this on?
He's Just Not That Into You. I watched it over the weekend and was disappointed. I was hoping for another Love Actually type movie, something that is inspiring and the proves that love exists in many forms. Instead I found it kind of insulting. Like as a women my only goal in life is to get married. It seemed to reinforce stereotypes that I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without a guy (Okay, one lady ended up being the better off alone type) Aside from the basic points included in the book:
If he's not:
All of which seem so very obvious when you're not in the midst of said relationship. I was disheartened and turned off the dating scene entirely.
*ahem*
So here to focusing on the task at hand. School and surviving this hellish month otherwise known as March.
I used to feel like I would make a great girlfriend, and most days I still do. But now I'm not so sure that is necessarily what I want. Sure I want someone to be my "Best Friend with Benefits" I want someone to share my life with, good times and the bad, I may even want to start a family one day (!) But I don't want to deal with all the games.
And dating, my friends, is all about the games.
Even if you don't think you're playing you are.
Take Lumberjack, who I haven't heard from since the hairy legs incident (well he did call the day after with a cursory, I had a good time blah blah blah). I've reached a conclusion that I somehow disappointed him by "giving in" to him. That he in fact, wanted me to say no. Or this could be my female mind working overtime and the truth is that he is just a flake who bailed.
I may never know...or maybe I'll find out in 2 weeks as he may or may not be in attendance at an engagement party of our mutual friends (my mute Ex Account has RVSP's yes...so the night may be more interesting then I want).
What else brought this on?
He's Just Not That Into You. I watched it over the weekend and was disappointed. I was hoping for another Love Actually type movie, something that is inspiring and the proves that love exists in many forms. Instead I found it kind of insulting. Like as a women my only goal in life is to get married. It seemed to reinforce stereotypes that I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without a guy (Okay, one lady ended up being the better off alone type) Aside from the basic points included in the book:
If he's not:
- calling you
- marrying you
- sleeping with you
All of which seem so very obvious when you're not in the midst of said relationship. I was disheartened and turned off the dating scene entirely.
*ahem*
So here to focusing on the task at hand. School and surviving this hellish month otherwise known as March.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Pants don't lie
This morning I tried on a pair of pants I hadn't worn in awhile.
I could just get them up over my hips.
zipper and button....didn't even think about trying.
Ouch.
I can justify it by reminding myself that I bought them when I was super skinny, due to poor eating and running around a hockey rink sized restaurant for work.
But that doesn't make me feel any better.
I still don't eat very well. I dislike cooking for one, have been know to eat peanut butter dipped in chocolate chips for dinner (what? everybody doesn't do that?).
Delicious...yes.
Healthy...um...no.
And now instead of run pitchers of beer for my dollars I sit and read papers, or if I'm feeling frisky, I stand while doing lab work.
I was never one to track the numbers on a scale, I in fact don't even own one!
But the pants don't lie. Clearly I've been sitting on my (now fat) ass for far too long.
Bikini season is comming. Must get prepared.
Yikes.
I could just get them up over my hips.
zipper and button....didn't even think about trying.
Ouch.
I can justify it by reminding myself that I bought them when I was super skinny, due to poor eating and running around a hockey rink sized restaurant for work.
But that doesn't make me feel any better.
I still don't eat very well. I dislike cooking for one, have been know to eat peanut butter dipped in chocolate chips for dinner (what? everybody doesn't do that?).
Delicious...yes.
Healthy...um...no.
And now instead of run pitchers of beer for my dollars I sit and read papers, or if I'm feeling frisky, I stand while doing lab work.
I was never one to track the numbers on a scale, I in fact don't even own one!
But the pants don't lie. Clearly I've been sitting on my (now fat) ass for far too long.
Bikini season is comming. Must get prepared.
Yikes.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Phantom Stink
For the last 2 days about 2 or 3 times a day I smell the unmistakable stench of dog poop.
I immediately pop up from whatever I am doing and do a sniff test around the entire house.
Either my prediction was right and I have indeed lost my mind, or one of my charges has gas.
Nothing like dog poop farts to round out a relaxing evening at home.
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