Have I been here before?

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.

Freaking Out.

I am freaking out. Seriously freaking out. Stomach in knots can not concentrate on what I'm doing freaking out.

I am sitting in my office dragging my feet on a particularly complicated and incredibly uninteresting assignment when I realize: Hey its pay day! Woot Woot. When you only get paid once a month, pay day is definitely a day to look forward too.

So I navigate over to the TDCanadaTrust website to ensure all my riches made it safely into my dwindling bank account. I immediately realize something just isn't right....

Upon further investigation, I realize my paycheque is missing about $400. wtf?

My entire "paycheque" for the month of October is $5 shy of my rent. (please do note, my tuition is deducted from my pay therefore I do not have to come up with $2500 3x a year)

$400

I don't know about you, but to me that's a lot of dough. When I so carefully mapped out my budget for the coming year as a student based on last months pay and a thrice yearly scholarship cheque, that $400 was allocated to gas, food, and fun.

Maybe (maybe) I can cut down on my gas. I am an environmental science student. Do I really need to drive everywhere? -I don't actually drive everywhere, just to school and to see friends on weekends. (sorry to all my friends I will no longer be seeing....you will have to come to me)

Maybe I can cut down on my food. I mean I don't need lunch everyday (do I?) , and KD now comes with whole wheat noodles (does whole wheat make up for the fact there basically no nutritional value what so ever inside that blue box?). One box does me 2 meals and it's only $1.50! The time for creativity is now...it is also the time seek out and find as many events or invitations that include free food.

But to cut down on my fun? My FUN! My instincts scream NO! In general I do very inexpensive things for fun (except the occasional vacation....). I hardly ever go shopping and I am serious need of some new wardrobe staples. But I guess (sigh) food comes before fashion.

I guess I have to tighten my belt (not that I can afford one). And maybe think about applying for a loan (something I really wanted to avoid).

So so long luxuries like Starbucks and lunch. Maybe I'll see you in 2 years.

Begin at the Begining

So much has happened in the months that I have been away, and for most of it I was too tired, stressed, busy, overworked, or just listless to attempt witty humour. Since much of what happened in the past is required to stay current.

I like blogging because it helps me to sort out my feelings and I miss it now. I had been meaning to start blogging again, but everything that happened in the last few months is needed to understand where I am now. And since I am a huge procrastinator from way back I have been neglecting starting the "previously on" entry. So instead I'm am going to use the every efficient bullet point strategy.

Unpaid and Underappreciated

• I worked 12 hours per day 7 days a week from the end of June to the middle of July.
• My boss was unpleasant....by unpleasant read irritable, condescending, and unappreciative.
• In total I worked 29 full days of overtime (in a little over 2 months). Oh and that overtime was unpaid. Yes unpaid. To be fair I could take time in lieu and I did take 7 days for a wedding. However, my contract was up before I could cash in on the other 22 days.
• I couldn't complain because I needed the reference, also, my current work is linked to the work I did last summer and I will have to work together with my former unpleasant boss.
• Over the course of the summer I missed 3 good friends birthdays, a family reunion, a huge concert/party, 2 long weekends, a volleyball tournament, and a funeral. Yes a funeral, I was allowed to leave "early" to make the visitation...(by early it was 2.5hours after the offical quitting time)
• So after all that I packed a whole summers worth of fun into the last 2 weeks of August:

Two weddings, A birthday, and a Lumberjack.

Wedding 1

• Details: Maui, Hawaii, August 19
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph.
• Me: Maid of Honour
• This was basically the exact vacation I needed to recover from the worst summer ever.
• 5 of us stayed in a condo on the ocean. 3 girls, 2 boys.
• The boys made the girls breaky every morning and drinks all day!
• We read trashy (read fantastic) teen vampire romances
• We sat by the pool, swam in the ocean, watch stunning sunsets, saw sea turtles, went snorkeling, learned to surf, and celebrated the wedding of two of my best friends.
• I was awake everyday at 6am sat on the lanai and watched the ocean and luxerated in the warm breezes.
• Life was perfect.

My Birthday

• August 22, Age 27
• Was largely spent on a plane coming from Hawaii to Toronto. (Side note: The Hawaiian airport doesn't have a book store....seriously, its 5 hours to anywhere and no book store...magazines just won't do on a 5 hour flight!)
• I rushed to Guelph, then rushed to get ready for the rehearsal.
• Where I spent my 27th celebrating my friends impending nuptials with my Ex Accountant.
• Some slight awkwardness with Ex, but we mostly just avoided each other
• The bridal party left early to spend some quality with just the ladies
• While it was just the 5 of us R gave us our bridal party gifts which were personalized, amazing and touching
• Then I got birthday gifts which I wasn't expecting, I tend to play down my birthday in general, and especially when I am celebrating one of my best friends weddings.
• All in all turning 27 was pretty damn good.

Wedding 2

• Details: Guelph ON, August 23rd
• People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph (yes that is correct I met both couples working in the same bar, and they got married 4 days apart)
• Me: Bridesmaid
• My Ex: Best Man
• I had to leave paradise early in order to attend this wedding, and it did not disappoint
• Aside from my Ex Account the entire wedding party was amazing. We laughed and goofed around and posed for countless pics all day.
• I attended dateless but never felt alone.
• Open bar allowed me to have my final say with the Ex Accountant and that relationship has been put to rest.
• Open bar also allowed me to flirt shamelessly with a hot Lumberjack that attended teacher's college with my now wed friends.
• Said shameless flirting continued to the after party in the hotel
• Said shamless flirting continued to my hotel room
• For the first time ever, I slept with a man I had just met.
• I then kicked him out of the room, to allow S, the bridesmaid I was sharing the room with back in (she never did come back though).
• It was all very Samantha Jones of me.
• I paid for the whole room bill as I felt guilty about kicking S out...
• At 27 years old I had my first one night stand....or so I thought at the time....

Moving on Up

• Moved to a small city in Eastern Ontario
• Started a Master's Program in Environmental Studies
• Live in an Attic (so I suppose the name of my blog is no longer relevant, but I can't change it now....or I've just started on my way up.)

More stories will come but at least now the basics have been accounted for.

Stay tuned.