Saturday, June 27, 2009

Midnight

It's hot.

Summer has finally arrived in my little corner of the world. Including 30C plus days with the humidity that goes along with it.

This past week I rediscovered a favourite small pleasure of mine.

My apartment stays tropically hot long after the sun has gone down. Leaving me to sleep with a fan, in minimal attire and only my sheet for cover.

Eventually the fan does its job and the finally cool outside air comes inside.

I'm chilled.

Half awake, I pull my duvet over my cool skin.

Instantly warmth envelops me as I snuggle deeper into the folds of my bed and drift back to sleep.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Left Behind

Selfish. Childish. Self Absorbed. Bad Friend.

That's how I feel.

Remember my friend PhD? How told me she and her bf were thinking about trying for kids in the fall? Well she pushed the date up. A. Lot.

Clearly she had misrepresented her desire to have children to me over the past few months when in reality she wanted one now. As in yesterday. I only discovered this while spending time with our our mutual friend who has one 8month old and another one on the way.

Turns out that my friends are all incredibly fertile and she is indeed preggers. Now. As in due this February. (I should note that my girlfriends have always been rather lax about birth control. And the fact that they never had an unplanned pregnancy is amazing).

As I said before, I am happy for her, but everything is baby. Literally everything. The woman is opening a Maternity Studio. I'm hearing about how tired she is. How big her boobs are getting, how sore they are. How her brother, whom she lives with (she owns a house with her younger sibs) is not adjusting. How he may have to move out or give up his dog (granted the dog is not great with kids, but her dog will also have to adapt) and he is not adjusting.

I'm struggling with my own problems. I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I may be falling for a guy who does not want kids. That babies may not be in the future for me (it is something I am steeling myself for and not soley because of Lumberjack, there are a whole host of reasons).

I suppose I should be happy that I have such fertile friends. I'll have many neices and nefews to spoil in the years to come. But in the meantime I'm feeling lost. Left behind. Selfish.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Bomb

"I worry so much about my niece getting hurt."

"I can barely take care of myself"

"I don't want to have kids."

hmmmmm.

After telling Lumberjack that yet another of my girlfriends is knocked up (more to come on that) those were his thoughts.

Problem? Deal-breaker? (did we even have a deal?)

What to do when your sort-of boyfriend, that you only see once a month, that you do not think about long term, drops that bomb?

Tally II

Tigerlily 0 : Science 2

*Essential piece of equipment has been broken for a week! Cannot redo my previously contaminated samples until its running again.

Feel the stress build.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tally

"How goes the battle?"

"I think I'm losing."

"OHHHHH, you should keep a tally between you and science...you know to see whose winning"

On that note starting now:

Tigerlily 0: Science 1

Monday, June 1, 2009

Again and Again

I am facing a huge set back. So big that I really should not be writing about it, and should instead be facing it and moving forward. But since I can remember I have liked to write my problems out in order to analyze them from all sides and therefore hopefully come to the most appropriate solution (can you tell I have a science background?).

The problem is that for the last few weeks I have been working toward finishing my lab analysis of the soil samples I collected last fall for my Masters. The process I am currently working on is lengthly and time consuming if not actually hard (as all lab work seems to be) requiring about 13hours to process 30-40 samples (I have 200 total).

This morning I was ready to run about 60 of these through an instrument to finally get some kind of usable number (this will take another 6-8hours not included in the first 13, see what I mean about time consuming?). But during the machines 'warm up' something horrible was discovered. The reagent I had use to mix all my solutions was contaminated with the very elements I was trying to detect! Meaning all the time I had put into these samples has been wasted. They are garbage. Worthless, and already down the drain.

I had optimistically hoped to finish all these lengthy and time consuming processes by the end of next week. Instead I find myself starting over from scratch tomorrow.

Scratch.

Nevermind that I should have had these done in the winter. Nevermind that the list of things to do is getting so long it makes my head hurt to think about. Nevermind that it's the 1st of June and I am frezing in my office (seriously summer...don't tease me with glorious weather only to take it back so hatefully!).

There really is nothing to do other then do it. Again.

Like so many other aspects of my life I am once again starting over.

Again and again.

Seriously...I signed up for this?