Again with the stupidness...

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.



Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.