I met a boy.

I met a boy.

We talked.

He bought me a drink.

He asked for my number. I gave it.

I thought that might be it. It wasn’t.

He texted. I replied.

He called and we talked.

He called again.

I called.

Plans were made. Picnic in the park as my small dog would chaperone.

There were no fireworks. Not even sparklers.

Should I see him again? Have been debating this. Daylight dog park dates are not overly romantic.

The date was Saturday afternoon, its now Tuesday evening. I haven’t heard from him.

Maybe my small dog and vegetarian diet was too much for him.

Maybe this is a decision I won’t have to make.

*Ed Note* It's been over a week, think its safe to say he didn't feel the fireworks either.

Appalling Trend

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

1. High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
2. High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
3. A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
4. High School Crush :: Home Owners
5. Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
6. Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
7. The Youngen' :: 3+ years
   
8. J :: 3+ years
9. Lumberjack :: unknown
10. RC :: has yet to have next relationship
11. The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
12. Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

Closing the Book on RC

Remember this guy?

RC

The boy who last year had me all twitterpated.

Steadily my interest has been falling. I waited for him to open up, to talk to me without needing some liquid courage. To even muster of the confidence to ask me for my phone number (or get it from our mutual friends...I'm not picky as to how he got procession of those 10 numbers).

He didn't.

After several kissing sessions I friended him on facebook.

After at least two (mostly platonic) sleepovers he still wasn't responding the way I had hoped. So I let him drift. He was just a friend and I? Well I was tangled up with the Lumberjack.

A few weeks ago there was a party.

RC came into town. I was months deep into a dry spell that had no end in sight (little did I know...). He was into the rye, I was enjoying some beers. The only other cute boy at the party just adopted a puppy with his gf (isn't that always the way). When the time came to go home, I invited him back to my apartment (this was rather more embarrassing then usual as my downstairs neighbour happened to be the cab driver who picked us up).

Things progressed as they are wont to do. Only it wasn't...well good.

It wasn't bad per se...but even in my beer soaked hadn't kissed a boy in months state, I knew it wasn't good.

We fell asleep. No pillow talk. No snuggling.

We woke up. He stated my dog snored (she does) I joked "so do you" (that at least got a little smile).

He dressed. Said he was going to go see what his buddies were up to.

No number exchange. No kiss goodbye.

Worst of all. He said "get away fucker" to Gaia, my 10lb puppy as she chased him around my room in the morning ecstatic to have someone new to play with.

That moment.

That moment there is when I realized, despite my previous desires this boy was not the boy for me.

Missing Girl

She was happy. Bright. Confident. Going places. Things were not going to stand in her way. The future spread out ahead with limitless possibilities. School. Career. Boys. Men. Husband. Girlfriends. Aunt. Children. She planned on making a difference. Making the world a brighter place for the next generation.

She is lost. Trapped somewhere. Screaming to get out.

For years the ebb and flow of depression has been on the periphery. Never in complete control always pushed under. Let out at night alone under the cloak of darkness. Now the tide is high.

Insecurity. Guilt. Anxiety. Worthlessness. Worst of all engulfing loneliness has replaced the joy that lit her blue eyes. The days march on blurring together. Every sunset bringing afresh wave guilt as the endless to do list continues to grow with nothing checked off.

The bright girl looks out from her prison unable to recognize the shambles that has become a reality.

The dishes pile in the sink. Laundry in the basket. Paper s unfinished. Calls unanswered. Friendships left dangling; the energy it takes to hide the internal darkness is too much to bear.

The bright girl. The shining girl. She screams.

Sometimes you can hear her.