Many things in life can be unexpected. Surprise parties. Promotions. A kind word. A harsh word. A car accident. Marriage proposals. A sweet smile.
Or unexpected reactions to situations.
This has been a long cool wet spring full of unexpected reactions and self realizations.
Two months ago I was in attendance at a Stag & Doe. Which is in and of itself not an uncommon event. However this particular Stag & Doe was thrown by the Best Man, also not uncommon, one might say it is even expected. The Best Man threw this Stag & Doe for his best friend in their home town and invited the out of towners to crash at his house. All this may very well seem to fit into the realm of the perfectly ordinary. This Best Man is also my Ex Accountant. The Ex whom I had not spoken to once since I, in tears, walked out of his apartment two years ago. The Ex who replied “Did you call about a parking permit?” when I said “I love you.” The Ex who said “I don’t miss you when you’re gone.” The Ex who pretended to have forgotten our anniversary when in fact he had remembered it, but chose not to acknowledge or spend it with me.
The town these boys call home is 350km from my cabin in the forest, thus qualifying me as an out of towner.
One might ask: Why go?
It is an exceptionally long way to travel, with the added expense of a hotel room once arrived. Clearly staying at his place was not an option. I can answer that question with one word.
Bridesmaid.
I had known this day was coming for a long time. From the moment my dear friend asked me to be a part of her day, I knew I would no longer be able to pretend the year (exactly) I had spend with my Ex Accountant had never happened. That I would have to face him and all those who knew us when we were together. I had been able to avoid this entirely for the first year after our break up as the only friends we held mutually were safely living on the entire other side of the world in Australia. These friends returned from Australia one year ago, engaged, and I for the first time in a year I really dealt with the loss of a relationship that spanned a very transitional year in my life.
I thought I was prepared for any possible reaction or situation resulting from once again laying eyes on this man. The realization I was still in love. The stabbing pain in my stomach when I saw him with his new lady. Him realizing he had let me go too easily. A dramatic scene complete with tears and raised voices. Or the reaction I was most hoping for….nothing. A hello, maybe a hug, a how are things going for you? And once the ice was broken, maybe we could pretend to be friends for long enough that eventually we stopped pretending. I mean we shared a year together, clearly we had something in common.
Well I got what I wanted.
Nothing.
However the nothing I got and the nothing defined above are very different.
Arriving at the hall I was very nervous. I was at the disadvantage. This was his town, these were his friends, he had planned the whole thing. Even as part of the bridal party I felt out of place. Like I was crashing a party I had every reason, no, a duty to attend.
I was received as a stranger. The people I had spent a year of my life with didn’t seem to recognize me. My Ex himself did not attempt to speak with me. When I approached him with an offer to help tidy up, he turned me away.
I don’t need to be friends with him. Thankfully, when I did lay eyes on him, aside from the shock of physically seeing him, I had no residual feelings. I just do not want to feel that way at the wedding. I do not want to feel like that at the rehearsal dinner, which by the way, coincides with my Twenty-Seventh Birthday. [Yes I have to spend my 27th with a man who would rather pretend I no longer existed.]
I just don’t understand that sort of behaviour.
Unfortunately I will be attending this wedding unescorted. That’s right dateless. I don’t think its appropriate to bring a “non-significant other” to a wedding in which I’m a part of leaving the poor guy to amuse himself while I’m with the ladies getting ready, while pictures are being taken, while I’m sitting at the head table and he is sitting somewhere else. So like in so many other situations, I will be arriving unaccompanied.
As time goes on, I am beginning to be more comfortable with that.