Basement Apartment

I met a boy.

2010-08-10T20:25:00.002-04:00

I met a boy.

We talked.

He bought me a drink.

He asked for my number. I gave it.

I thought that might be it. It wasn’t.

He texted. I replied.

He called and we talked.

He called again.

I called.

Plans were made. Picnic in the park as my small dog would chaperone.

There were no fireworks. Not even sparklers.

Should I see him again? Have been debating this. Daylight dog park dates are not overly romantic.

The date was Saturday afternoon, its now Tuesday evening. I haven’t heard from him.

Maybe my small dog and vegetarian diet was too much for him.

Maybe this is a decision I won’t have to make.

*Ed Note* It's been over a week, think its safe to say he didn't feel the fireworks either.

Appalling Trend

2010-07-13T16:13:00.004-04:00

Have noticed appalling trend. Am last "hurrah" prior to men settling into marriage or similar. Trend dates back 10+ years. Wonder. Is trend due to men's realization that a) single life not as remembered therefore time to settle or b) next relationship so much better then me decide to "put a ring on it." hmmmm

Case in Point. (This is a list of men I have kissed in last 10 years that I still get updates on, via facebook or mutual friends)

High School Sweat Heart #1 :: Married with kids*
High School Sweat Heart #2 :: Married with kids*
A Certain Ex :: 3+ years and Cohabitation
High School Crush :: Home Owners
Ex Accountant :: Married and preggers (possibly with kid by now)
Blue Eyed Blond :: Married
The Youngen' :: 3+ years
J :: 3+ years
Lumberjack :: unknown
RC :: has yet to have next relationship
The Newf :: within 3months of our encounter was flying girlfriend to NF to meet parents
Q :: father (this guy only needed to ask me out, next thing I heard he was a father to be, daughter born last week)

* to be fair both these guys did date one person between me and their now wifes, but c'mon I was only 16/17 when we dated!

Closing the Book on RC

2010-02-09T08:31:00.004-05:00

Remember this guy?

RC

The boy who last year had me all twitterpated.

Steadily my interest has been falling. I waited for him to open up, to talk to me without needing some liquid courage. To even muster of the confidence to ask me for my phone number (or get it from our mutual friends...I'm not picky as to how he got procession of those 10 numbers).

He didn't.

After several kissing sessions I friended him on facebook.

After at least two (mostly platonic) sleepovers he still wasn't responding the way I had hoped. So I let him drift. He was just a friend and I? Well I was tangled up with the Lumberjack.

A few weeks ago there was a party.

RC came into town. I was months deep into a dry spell that had no end in sight (little did I know...). He was into the rye, I was enjoying some beers. The only other cute boy at the party just adopted a puppy with his gf (isn't that always the way). When the time came to go home, I invited him back to my apartment (this was rather more embarrassing then usual as my downstairs neighbour happened to be the cab driver who picked us up).

Things progressed as they are wont to do. Only it wasn't...well good.

It wasn't bad per se...but even in my beer soaked hadn't kissed a boy in months state, I knew it wasn't good.

We fell asleep. No pillow talk. No snuggling.

We woke up. He stated my dog snored (she does) I joked "so do you" (that at least got a little smile).

He dressed. Said he was going to go see what his buddies were up to.

No number exchange. No kiss goodbye.

Worst of all. He said "get away fucker" to Gaia, my 10lb puppy as she chased him around my room in the morning ecstatic to have someone new to play with.

That moment.

That moment there is when I realized, despite my previous desires this boy was not the boy for me.

Missing Girl

2010-01-31T09:48:00.001-05:00

She was happy. Bright. Confident. Going places. Things were not going to stand in her way. The future spread out ahead with limitless possibilities. School. Career. Boys. Men. Husband. Girlfriends. Aunt. Children. She planned on making a difference. Making the world a brighter place for the next generation.

She is lost. Trapped somewhere. Screaming to get out.

For years the ebb and flow of depression has been on the periphery. Never in complete control always pushed under. Let out at night alone under the cloak of darkness. Now the tide is high.

Insecurity. Guilt. Anxiety. Worthlessness. Worst of all engulfing loneliness has replaced the joy that lit her blue eyes. The days march on blurring together. Every sunset bringing afresh wave guilt as the endless to do list continues to grow with nothing checked off.

The bright girl looks out from her prison unable to recognize the shambles that has become a reality.

The dishes pile in the sink. Laundry in the basket. Paper s unfinished. Calls unanswered. Friendships left dangling; the energy it takes to hide the internal darkness is too much to bear.

The bright girl. The shining girl. She screams.

Sometimes you can hear her.

Post Christmas Wish

2009-12-28T09:44:00.004-05:00

While I have been away, and I do intend to get back to regular blogging when I get back to regular life (whatever that is). I have been faithfully reading this blog for a long time and during some of my loneliest times her blog has made me laugh. Now she has a request and I thought I'd pass it along to my readers as well.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

Return

2009-12-15T22:09:00.003-05:00

I've been gone a long time now.

The reasons for that include depression and anxiety which was solved which medication and the difficult decision to withdraw from school.

I had attempted to write several posts about how the depression felt to me, but as I read them over I found them to dark to keep, as I am really trying to put the last few months behind me and start 2010 with a fresh outlook.

I'm feeling better and more optimistic then I have in over a year. For the first time in a long time I am excited about my life. I'm nervous too, but it's more a nervous anticipation for the future holds as opposed to the anxiety of the past.

I plan to get back to blogging, about my attempt to really find my place.

After all,

There's no where to go but up.

Highway of Heroes

2009-08-11T15:21:00.003-04:00

10am

Driving home, blurry-eyed.

Mind on my own problems.

Slowly the fact that traffic seems to slow at every over pass tickles into my over active mind.

Slowly the fact that every over pass holds an emergency vechicle.

Police.

Fire.

Ambulance.

Families in minivans are camped out on the side of the service road running parrallel to the highway.

At the site of the Canadian Flag my brain finally catches up with my eyes.

I'm traveling the Highway of Heroes.

Today two of our soldiers are being repatriated.

People are showing their support.

Solidarity.

Instantly tears welling in my eyes, quickly spilling down my cheeks.

Ten minutes ago I was worried about now what seems like small insignificant problems.

The tears didn't stop until I got home.

Midnight

2009-06-27T14:30:00.004-04:00

It's hot.

Summer has finally arrived in my little corner of the world. Including 30C plus days with the humidity that goes along with it.

This past week I rediscovered a favourite small pleasure of mine.

My apartment stays tropically hot long after the sun has gone down. Leaving me to sleep with a fan, in minimal attire and only my sheet for cover.

Eventually the fan does its job and the finally cool outside air comes inside.

I'm chilled.

Half awake, I pull my duvet over my cool skin.

Instantly warmth envelops me as I snuggle deeper into the folds of my bed and drift back to sleep.

Left Behind

2009-06-16T21:37:00.004-04:00

Selfish. Childish. Self Absorbed. Bad Friend.

That's how I feel.

Remember my friend PhD? How told me she and her bf were thinking about trying for kids in the fall? Well she pushed the date up. A. Lot.

Clearly she had misrepresented her desire to have children to me over the past few months when in reality she wanted one now. As in yesterday. I only discovered this while spending time with our our mutual friend who has one 8month old and another one on the way.

Turns out that my friends are all incredibly fertile and she is indeed preggers. Now. As in due this February. (I should note that my girlfriends have always been rather lax about birth control. And the fact that they never had an unplanned pregnancy is amazing).

As I said before, I am happy for her, but everything is baby. Literally everything. The woman is opening a Maternity Studio. I'm hearing about how tired she is. How big her boobs are getting, how sore they are. How her brother, whom she lives with (she owns a house with her younger sibs) is not adjusting. How he may have to move out or give up his dog (granted the dog is not great with kids, but her dog will also have to adapt) and he is not adjusting.

I'm struggling with my own problems. I'm trying to adjust to the fact that I may be falling for a guy who does not want kids. That babies may not be in the future for me (it is something I am steeling myself for and not soley because of Lumberjack, there are a whole host of reasons).

I suppose I should be happy that I have such fertile friends. I'll have many neices and nefews to spoil in the years to come. But in the meantime I'm feeling lost. Left behind. Selfish.

Bomb

2009-06-09T09:22:00.002-04:00

"I worry so much about my niece getting hurt."

"I can barely take care of myself"

"I don't want to have kids."

hmmmmm.

After telling Lumberjack that yet another of my girlfriends is knocked up (more to come on that) those were his thoughts.

Problem? Deal-breaker? (did we even have a deal?)

What to do when your sort-of boyfriend, that you only see once a month, that you do not think about long term, drops that bomb?

Tally II

2009-06-09T09:20:00.000-04:00

Tigerlily 0 : Science 2

*Essential piece of equipment has been broken for a week! Cannot redo my previously contaminated samples until its running again.

Feel the stress build.

Tally

2009-06-02T10:08:00.002-04:00

"How goes the battle?"

"I think I'm losing."

"OHHHHH, you should keep a tally between you and science...you know to see whose winning"

On that note starting now:

Tigerlily 0: Science 1

Again and Again

2009-06-01T13:09:00.003-04:00

I am facing a huge set back. So big that I really should not be writing about it, and should instead be facing it and moving forward. But since I can remember I have liked to write my problems out in order to analyze them from all sides and therefore hopefully come to the most appropriate solution (can you tell I have a science background?).

The problem is that for the last few weeks I have been working toward finishing my lab analysis of the soil samples I collected last fall for my Masters. The process I am currently working on is lengthly and time consuming if not actually hard (as all lab work seems to be) requiring about 13hours to process 30-40 samples (I have 200 total).

This morning I was ready to run about 60 of these through an instrument to finally get some kind of usable number (this will take another 6-8hours not included in the first 13, see what I mean about time consuming?). But during the machines 'warm up' something horrible was discovered. The reagent I had use to mix all my solutions was contaminated with the very elements I was trying to detect! Meaning all the time I had put into these samples has been wasted. They are garbage. Worthless, and already down the drain.

I had optimistically hoped to finish all these lengthy and time consuming processes by the end of next week. Instead I find myself starting over from scratch tomorrow.

Scratch.

Nevermind that I should have had these done in the winter. Nevermind that the list of things to do is getting so long it makes my head hurt to think about. Nevermind that it's the 1st of June and I am frezing in my office (seriously summer...don't tease me with glorious weather only to take it back so hatefully!).

There really is nothing to do other then do it. Again.

Like so many other aspects of my life I am once again starting over.

Again and again.

Seriously...I signed up for this?

Babies

2009-05-27T11:03:00.008-04:00

I took last week off.

Went up to my parents and enjoyed the sun and the lake. (It was finally 30ish degrees C!). Aside from the fact that I don't really need a reason to take a vacation my best friend was visiting from the land down under.

Double K is a girl I have known my entire life, I don't remember meeting her because we were less then a year old when my Dad and her Mom
ran into each other in our small town's post office. We don't see each other much these days as she has been living in Australia for about four years now with her fiance.

This particular visit was extra sweet as she hadn't been in Canada since fall of 2007, the reason for length of time between visits is this....she had a baby!

Marli Morgan, born Sept 18 2008.

I got to meet this darling girl on her 8 month birthday.

It was love at first site. I would have teared up if we hadn't been in a large group when I saw her! She looks just like her Double K. Its amazing.

Despite the fact that most of my friends have babies or want babies as soon as possible I was never part of that crowd. I think kids are cute and all, but I was never sure if I wanted one myself.

This may stem from many reasons, starting with the overwhelming responsibility and ending with the lack my lack of a serious/or long term relationship in a few years. But seeing that little girls face light up when she saw her mother and how my life long friend absolutely glowed even when speaking about her....for the first time I know that I do want kids.

Not right away. But one day.

But for now I'll settle on being the best Auntie. I am very happy to announce the Double K, her fiance and Marli will be moving back to Canada this fall on account that they are expecting their 2nd child this Decemeber! They will be moving to Vancouver (which is approximately 4000kms from me) but at least they'll be in the coutry!

Double K would like everyone to know that nursing...not a perfect birth control method! She hadn't even gotten her period back...so it took her a bit to notice something was 'off'. They are happy and busy and will soon be busier, as by Christmas they will have a newborm and and 13 month old!

* yes I am the Auntie that fed the baby lemon...I wanted to laugh at her sour face...however the trick was on me...no sour face. The girl likes lemons!

Garbage

2009-05-26T11:20:00.004-04:00

I have been wondering what to do with my garbage for awhile.

Yes, I recycle, but I can't compost. I live in an apartment so I have no backyard, and my city does not pick up compostables.

But thats not really what I've been curious about.

I have never been one to buy garbage bags. I mean seriously do we need more plastic bags? I have always used old grocery bags to line the pails in my kitchen and bathroom. But since cloth bags became so readily available and many stores (even the upscale ones) are charging for bags my supply of 'free' garbage bags has dwindled.

So what to do?

Continue to get plastic grocery bags every 3rd shop to keep my supplies up? However pop culture would have one believe that using plastic is evil. But that is at least better then buying new plastic bags thats sole purpose is to be thrown out...at least I'm reusing right?

Yesterday though I discovered biodegradable garbage bags. $4.99 for 20 bags for the very small ones (roughly 25cents a bag). So still more then paying for grocery bags which run between 5 and 10cents.

The bags actually seem different then regular plastic. And it says right on the box to keep them dry and inside to maintain their integrity. Hopefully this is a good option.

Can't Do It.

2009-05-15T15:03:00.005-04:00

Phone sex.

I can't do it.

Lumberjack and I had our first encounter with, I suppose, the inevitable last night.

The phone was ringing as I stepped out of the shower.

“Hey you just caught me getting out of the shower”

“So you’re not wearing anything”

“No actually I’m not”

“Tell me what else you’re doing”

And that’s were I start laughing and say sorry I can’t do it.

One would think someone in an LD relationship might enjoy a little sexy time over the air waves. But me I find it forced and fake.

I’d rather do the real thing or nothing at all….

Long Distance....?

2009-05-14T22:33:00.002-04:00

Lumberjack and I are officially in a long distance...er...something.

As I've said before he lives in Timmins, which is 8 hours away. Lucky for me he works on the road and that brings him near me fairly regularly.

But not lately and not in the near future.

They have him traveling all over northern Ontario.

Not sure when he'll be back to where the snow has been gone for over a month. (seriously his plans last weekend included keeping beer cold in a snow bank*. It was 24C where I was, and thats tanning weather!)

Was I premature in saying that long distance would work? Does it ever work? The only time it makes sense is in short predetermined lengths of time (you know a 3 month internship out of town sort of thing). We are long distance indefinitely. No end point. We never even had a relationship in order to base this on. It seems crazy to be even attempting a relationship. Yet when I climb into bed at night its his arms I wish it was his chest my head rested on, his arms around me.

I'm hesitant to call him my boyfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. We talk regularly. We laugh. We complain about how long its been since we've seen each other, taking comfort in the fact that the other feels the same way.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact our lives are kilometers apart. 682km. Can that distance be bridged?

We are tied together by threads.

Thread can be incredibly strong, or snap in an instant.

*note I originally wrote this a few weeks ago and am hoping that the snow has finally melted up there, however they are calling for some this weekend.

Evidence of a Lost Mind II

2009-05-13T14:27:00.003-04:00

Two more tidbits to prove I have indeed lost my mind:

A few weeks ago I drove back and forth down the same 2km stretch of road trying to decided which way I needed to go only to realized I had it right the first time. I have lived in this city for almost 9months and still am constantly lost.
Last weekend I got lost again on the same stretch. Only this time my parents were party to my disorientation. (The reason I was driving? I apparently know my way around....)
Last night after spending 3 hours diluting samples to be analyzed today I stored them in the fridge so would stay fresh. Unfortunately what I determined was a fridge was indeed a freezer. (Don't worry samples not ruined...just frozen and in need of thawing before they can be run)

Results

2009-05-04T13:51:00.002-04:00

Have you ever called a Doctors office to get results?

They don't like it.

They like to remind you that they will call you if something is amiss.

I however do not like the "no news is good news" policy. My mind wanders, and I stress over the unknown.

So I called today concerning my blood test results (well I attempted to call 4x between 9 and 9:45 and the call went straight to voice mail, so I went in).

Apparently all is well. Glucose, B12, iron (which I was impressed at as I'm a pseudo vegetarian).

No reason for me to be feeling so sluggish and unfocused.

No magic pill for me *sigh*

I am now attributing my lack of energy to SAD (such a perfect acronym!). Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which basically means a lack of Vitamin D due to lack of sunlight available in these parts, as well as my total lack of exercise over the winter months.

So to that extent I am now getting my heart rate pumping for at least 20mins a day and getting outside and into the sun. I feel better, still having a hard time with motivation and focus, but maybe I'm just out of practice.....

Evidence of a Lost Mind

2009-04-30T17:18:00.003-04:00

I think I've lost my mind.

I have discovered 2 pieces of evidence in as many days.

Yesterdays events with my keys.
I have been wearing my underpants inside out all day and didn't notice until now.

I will be sure to be on the look-out for more evidence.

Because as a scientist one likes to track such trends in order to have greater confidence in ones conclusions.*

Stay tuned....

*This is my attempt at sounding smart and science-y...I think I need more practice before I start writing manuscripts!

Classic

2009-04-30T14:24:00.005-04:00

I realized I forgotten to bring a pen with me to the lab.

Upon retrieving one from my office I managed to lock myself out holding only said pen and (thank god) my cell phone.

Its after hours. My officemate is in Ireland.

I am SOL.

Did I mention safely locked in my office are: my computer, my iPod, my coat, my schoolwork, my apartment keys, AND my car keys. (I do not need to go into the distress of being separted from you computer and iPod do I?)

Campus is so close to the edge of town that beyond its boundaries hi-speed internet does not exist (seriously...its the boonies of central Ontario).

Luckily for me PhD is able to pick me up and my landlord lent me a key to my attic.

This mornings attempt to ride public transit to campus was not so easy. Resulting in my being almost an hour late for a meeting.

Classic.

Montreal

2009-04-23T20:03:00.001-04:00

My weekend to Montreal was AH-mazing!

It started with a sunny Friday which made the idea of the 5.5 hour that much more bearable. I even got to ride shot gun! (PhD's bf got stuck in the back while she drove) As both PhD and I are, as they say, starving students, we bunked in at the bf's sisters house. The two other members of the trip (which included RC) took the train and were forced to stay in a $200 a night hotel (those boys have real jobs). Sister is the chef at a fantabulous restaurant, Cavalli, and was able to get us a last minute reso. And we dined.

Oh, how we dined.

Free bottle service. Free appitizers. Free pasta. Half price entrays. Free desserts (there were too delicious to turn down, even though I was stuffed to the brim!)

I could try to describe the oysters, tuna tar tar, octopus, tempura shrimp, truffle lace mac & cheese, lobster, seabass, creme brulee, and homemade icecream. But there is no way I do it justice. Just know that every bit was a magical taste sensation.

Worth every blister my poor feet sustained by strapping on last years sexy wedges for the first time.

I believe RC attempted his personal brand of hitting on me. However he may not have been, he is kind of ambiguous. Either way he was brushed off, poor awkward-around-girls guy.

The rest of the weekend included cheering for the Habs (which was remarkably like cheering for the leafs, but slightly more fun as we had clackers to make an obnoxious amount of noise.) and watching the UFC fights (which I have yet to decide if I dispise of am indifferent to).

There was very little site seeing which I will have to rectify the next time I make it to Canada's little piece of Europe.

Blood.

2009-04-22T10:26:00.002-04:00

Today I'm going to get my blood tested for hypothyroidism (among other things). Symptoms of this condition include: fatigue, sluggishness, increased sensitivity to cold, pale dry skin (which I've been attributing to cold Canadian winter), unexplained weight gain, muscle aches, weakness, brittle finger nails and hair, depression. I have been feeling all of these things. I was tested a few years ago and was negative. However my current doctor (who I love!) says I should be tested once a year due to my strong family history (Sister, Father, Grandmother, and Aunt).

I'm really hoping that this is whats been causing me to be so exhausted, and my inability to concentrate longer then your average 6 year old the day after Halloween. I've also just learned that its really easy to max out on if you have hypothyroidism so unlike most people who will stay up all night after the amount of caffeine I was drinking I crash similar to how a sugar high works.

Is it weird to hope you have a condition that has some less then fun complications? If it is Hypothyroidism I can start treatment and start feeling better.

Walk of Shame

2009-04-16T18:12:00.005-04:00

In anticipation of a road trip of 6 that includes among other PhD, her BF (its his 29th!) and RC. I thought I share the story of why RC and I never made it past the making out on the couch portion of our relationship.

It was Christmas. There was a party at PhD's. Her BF kept my wine glass full.

RC and I stole kisses in the master bedroom as the evening progressed (I later swore to PhD that all 4 of our feet stayed on the ground at all times!).

As the night drew to a close RC convinced me it would be best if I went back to his place to sleep. I agreed.

However when we got there things didn't go as he had planned. After a few mintues of kissing we both passed out. And thats when things went downhill.

In the morning we were both a little worse for wear. He was more then a little. I attempted to snuggle. No reation. Not no movement, no sound, nothing. Eventually he mentioned he had a headache but refused my offer of advil. I improvised and ran my fingers through his hair. Again Nothing. No reaction. (I love it when someone runs their fingers through my hair!).

I decided it was time to go. As I was locating my belongings he asked:

"Do you want me to walk you out?" (yes)

"Its okay, you don't have to" (but you should)

He didn't and I walked up to meet my friends for breakfast alone.

Relapse

2009-04-13T21:02:00.004-04:00

Lumberjack and I are seeing each other again.

I know I said I was done. That I was over it. That we were finished.

I lied.

I am a sucker for a guy who looks me in the eyes and says he's in it for real.

The definition of 'real' has yet to be determined.

The definition of 'it' has yet to be determined.

For now I'm not questioning. Just resting my head on his shoulder.

stress

2009-04-09T10:34:00.003-04:00

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. As soon as I lie down my mind fills with 100 things I should be doing yet don't have the energy for. I toss and turn all night sleeping fitfully worrying about how I'm letting everyone down, namely myself for not being a better scholar. Nausea has become an almost daily occurrence. Never too strong, just enough to make the thought of fast movements or food unappealing. I haven't had to vomit due to stress since the fall. Thats a milestone. Nothing like trying to non-nonchalantly leave class to toss your cookies in a public washroom to make a girl feel on top. Nothing like returning to class after having only the use of water to rinse your mouth.

It is getting better. But I still feel like I'm climbing a hill that keeps getting higher the more I climb.

*edit* I have discovered Peach Ginger tea helps with the nausea.

Babies

2009-04-01T22:09:00.004-04:00

Babies.

All my friends are having them. Married friends and not married friends (actually it seems more people are not getting married but choosing to have kids instead of marriage, or at least before marriage).

I am very happy for each of my girlfriends when they announced their impending bundle of joy. Seriously I am happy for them. But each time I hear we're going to have/to start trying to have a baby its I feel my heart drop.

Apparently I am selfish.

I don't want things to change. I like that in the summers we can sit around the pool/lake and drink one too many cocktails (or any at all!). I like that our conversations are not centered around how well Suzy is sleeping or how do you knit soakers (what the hell are soakers?).

I hate to say it, but I'm jealous of my best friends suddenly having more in common with our "fringe" friends then they do with me.

I'm starting to feel left behind.

I'm 27, still in school (or in school again?), no serious boyfriend to speak of. Kids just are not on my radar. The fact that they feature so prominently in some of my friends lives makes me wonder if I've been doing something wrong.

What prompted this?

PhD. The last girlfriend from my hometown, my last unmarried, unpregnant girlfriend told me today that she and her bf will likely starting trying in the fall.

Worst of all, she was scared to tell me. She was afraid of my reaction.

Which is of course Happy.

With a side of sinking heart.

Weekend Update

2009-03-24T12:09:00.004-04:00

This past weekend was a very eventful one. a la bullet.

I got my hair done.
Wrote a paper until 2:30am at my parents house on Friday night.
Finished a baby present minutes before leaving for the shower.
Got "lost" on the way to the shower (by lost I mean I missed my exit and subsequent exits not realizing until I was started down a looooong stretch of highway with no way to turn around, yet another reason not to talk on a cell phone while driving).
Arrived at the shower in time for the food!
Missed the present opening entirely.
Got text from interent date saying he had a good time
Called to confirm evenings engagement party plans.
Learned that I was unable to get ready with my girlfriends b/c both Ex Accountant (plus fiance) and Lumberjack were to be at R&R's
Make alternate plans to arrive at party alone which involve an extremely long time on public transit.
Arrive at PhD's in time for food! (PhD was not attending this party, different groups of friends but gladly put me so I didn't have to sleep on the street as Ex Accountant took my usual place at R&R's)
Put on fashion show for girls not going to party and their bfs to decide the most appropriate dress to make ex's feel like they made a HUGE mistake.
Arrive at party "fashionably" late
Feel no need to talk to Ex Accountant (if he wants to pretend I never exisited so can I)
See Lumberjack and avoid joining conversations he apart of but try to do it so he doesn't acutally feel like I'm avoiding him on purpose...not sure if I pulled this off
Talk to Lumberjack after he sits down next me with no awkwardness
General laugher drinking and dancing abound
Plans to leave early were foiled as it was suddenly time to go
Share cab with 4 others including Lumberjack
Hold hands sneakily with Lumberjack on way home
Turn Lumberjack down when he invites me up to his hotel room. (self control...I haz it) opting instead to sleep on a couch
Wake up tired but not hung over with 2 voicemails from Lumberjack (apparently the dress did work!)
Return home to unsucessfuly write another paper for school
Email prof at 5 am to say I was sick all night and would not make it to class
Get extension on paper (guilty face)

Will not be bitter

2009-03-19T22:20:00.003-04:00

I know it may have sounded like I said no to men. But really I was trying to get away from the negative feelings I had toward relationships. It just feels sometimes that relationships come so easy to some of my friends. Where they don't for me. I even watch guys I know to be decent guys putting up with their crazy girlfriends. Time and time again.

I know we all have a bit of "The Crazy." Sometimes we can control it and sometimes we can't. Sometimes you just have to stick up for yourself. What I considered sticking up for myself has, it seems, been seen by the men I've been dating as craziness. I personally think I'm justified in telling a guy he's pissed me off (in a calm, matter of fact kind of way). I also think that it is better then not telling him and letting it stew. However it seems that this can possibly make more you trouble then your worth.

So after years of this I had begun to feel that there were no quality guys left. You know the ones I mean. Guys who are interested in me as a person. Guys who want to (not forced to) meet my friends. Guys who want to meet my family, escort me to weddings, introduce me to their friends and family, make me part of their lives.

I was losing hope. I could feel the bitterness creeping on the edges. I hate talking to bitter girls and do not want to become one.

So how does one avoid such a fate?

I joined an on-line dating community.

(gasp!?!)

It seems desperate. But I know numerous couples who have met online. I expect its going to become more popular as our lives continue to get busier and technology becomes even more intertwined (is that even possible?) with our daily lives.

I have to say the ego boost was immediate. I try to reply to everyone who emails me. As long as they say something more then, "Hi, you're cute." even if I'm not interested.

I wanted reassurance that there are indeed some nice guys still available. While I'm not expecting to meet my soul mate/future husband/long term bf (although I suppose it is a possibility) I'm more looking for a way to jump back into the dating scene.

So tonight I had coffee with a guy I met on the internet. It was a little weird. But he looked like his pics so we talked, we laughed, he paid for my coffee, and walked me to my car. He even asked for my number at the end of the night.

I hadn't been out on a date for a very long time (Lumberjack doesn't count...). It was nice to dress up, put on make-up and perfume...I even shaved my legs (you don't even want to know how long its been ....).

If he calls, great, if not, there are plenty more where he came from.

It's Research I Swear!

2009-03-18T12:29:00.004-04:00

As part of my duties as a graduate student I provide services as a Teaching Assistant (or TA as we are ‘lovingly’ known as). The class I TA for this semester is Environmental Carcinogenesis (which is a class concerned with how the environment can give you cancer). I feel smart saying that I’m the TA for EC. My background however is in Biology and Environmental Studies (light on the Bio, heavy on the ES). I have a total of 2 classes of Biochem. Yet I was deemed the most appropriate person for the job (they must have been desperate).

All in all it’s not overly hard. I some marking and I have to lead a few discussions on specific papers they were to read. In order for me to lead such discussions I must not only read the papers but must understand them (!).

No problem. I’ll read with Wikipedia near by. Wikipedia knows the answer to everything. Sure enough I come across numerous words I can’t comprehend. I innocently enter a word for a an affliction in male newborns.

Maybe the specification of male newborn should have warned me to what was coming.

I push enter and up pops a penis on my computer screen.

(one might expect a diagram, not a full colour photograph)

I gasp, then giggle and then immediately shut up.

The last thing I need is my office mate to turn around to see what is causing the commotion only to find me browsing porn in the afternoon.

Stifling giggles the whole time I discover what I need know.

Now in case you curious as to the nature of this affliction please consult you own Wikipedia for Hypospadia.

Men. Men. Men.

2009-03-09T10:53:00.005-04:00

I hate it when I start to feel that the only thing we/I talk about is men, relationships or the lack thereof. I feel like I'm an independent type girl..er...woman (I mean I've been living on my own for the last 7 years and have managed to keep myself alive). I have a serious quiet side that is prominent during school days, and I have a fun silly let loose side that pops out once in awhile when I'm with my good friends.

I used to feel like I would make a great girlfriend, and most days I still do. But now I'm not so sure that is necessarily what I want. Sure I want someone to be my "Best Friend with Benefits" I want someone to share my life with, good times and the bad, I may even want to start a family one day (!) But I don't want to deal with all the games.

And dating, my friends, is all about the games.

Even if you don't think you're playing you are.

Take Lumberjack, who I haven't heard from since the hairy legs incident (well he did call the day after with a cursory, I had a good time blah blah blah). I've reached a conclusion that I somehow disappointed him by "giving in" to him. That he in fact, wanted me to say no. Or this could be my female mind working overtime and the truth is that he is just a flake who bailed.

I may never know...or maybe I'll find out in 2 weeks as he may or may not be in attendance at an engagement party of our mutual friends (my mute Ex Account has RVSP's yes...so the night may be more interesting then I want).

What else brought this on?

He's Just Not That Into You. I watched it over the weekend and was disappointed. I was hoping for another Love Actually type movie, something that is inspiring and the proves that love exists in many forms. Instead I found it kind of insulting. Like as a women my only goal in life is to get married. It seemed to reinforce stereotypes that I can't possibly be happy or fulfilled without a guy (Okay, one lady ended up being the better off alone type) Aside from the basic points included in the book:

If he's not:

calling you
marrying you
sleeping with you

he's just not that into you.

All of which seem so very obvious when you're not in the midst of said relationship. I was disheartened and turned off the dating scene entirely.

*ahem*

So here to focusing on the task at hand. School and surviving this hellish month otherwise known as March.

I know spring is coming because...

2009-02-26T10:13:00.001-05:00

Oh. Dear. God.

The deer legs are starting to thaw.

Pants don't lie

2009-02-25T12:25:00.006-05:00

This morning I tried on a pair of pants I hadn't worn in awhile.

I could just get them up over my hips.

zipper and button....didn't even think about trying.

Ouch.

I can justify it by reminding myself that I bought them when I was super skinny, due to poor eating and running around a hockey rink sized restaurant for work.

But that doesn't make me feel any better.

I still don't eat very well. I dislike cooking for one, have been know to eat peanut butter dipped in chocolate chips for dinner (what? everybody doesn't do that?).

Delicious...yes.

Healthy...um...no.

And now instead of run pitchers of beer for my dollars I sit and read papers, or if I'm feeling frisky, I stand while doing lab work.

I was never one to track the numbers on a scale, I in fact don't even own one!

But the pants don't lie. Clearly I've been sitting on my (now fat) ass for far too long.

Bikini season is comming. Must get prepared.

Yikes.

Phantom Stink

2009-02-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

For the last 2 days about 2 or 3 times a day I smell the unmistakable stench of dog poop.

I immediately pop up from whatever I am doing and do a sniff test around the entire house.

Either my prediction was right and I have indeed lost my mind, or one of my charges has gas.

Nothing like dog poop farts to round out a relaxing evening at home.

Baby Names

2009-02-17T13:32:00.003-05:00

I have always been interested in what people choose to name their children.

These babies will have to carry this moniker throughout their lives from childhood to adolescence to adulthood. Some names just don't lend themselves to small children ie: Frank or Pearl. Some names are hard to take seriously as adults ie: Apple (sorry Gweneth but its a weird name) or Jessie.

I know a lot goes into naming children pressure from Grandparents and parents or the mother/father of the child in question. My own mother fell to the pressure of my Paternal Grandfather in naming me which accounts for Lillian being on my birth certificate when my Mom just wanted Lily. She did however stand up to the pressure to add Marie into the mix, as both my grandmothers and all my cousins on my father's side include Marie as at least one of their middle names. (She later folder and gave my younger sister Marie as a middle name.)

My Mother generally finds that my peers are naming their children odd things: Anara, Amelie, Marli, Lourdes, Clementine, Tashi, Axel, and Boston.

Ok I'll giver her Clementine...poor little girl her parents call her Clemy...

However I am sure she will approve of the potential name of one of my friends is choosing to name her daughter when she arrives in June.

Lily.

I do not know how she and her husband came to chose my name for their first born. We are not near close enough for this to be a tribute to me. But we are close enough that she had to think of me when it came up in the choosing process.

I am not certain as to how I feel about this...

But I am certain that I have no opinion here.

Lost my Mind

2009-02-16T12:15:00.006-05:00

Last night I discovered that I might have lost my mind.

My dear friend PhD and family left on an amazing adventure to Portugal. Mr and Mrs PhD are taking the entire family and PhD’s boyfriend on an all expenses paid trip. Its going to be amazing, much more memorable then a standard all inclusive trip to the Dominican.

Between them this family owns 5 dogs.

I agreed to watch 4 of them for 2 weeks.

4 dogs.

2 weeks.

1 girl.

That 1 girl is me by the way. Me, who is having trouble keeping her plant alive. I’m really hoping that at the end of this 2 week period, all 5 of us are alive and well.

The dogs are:

Taj: 5 year old Black Lab that is certain that every meal is will be his last and is under the impression that the faster he eats the greater the possibility is that he will get more. He is wrong.

Barrett: 4 year old Golden Retriever that suffers intimacy issues and is only happy if he’s breathing on you.

Tika and Sophie: 6 month old beagles who have unending energy.

Upon arriving at the house (I am of course moving in to Mr and Mrs PhD’s as these dogs would destroy my shoebox attic apartment) the place was a zoo. The four dogs, who had been confined to a small area of the house, began running around, wrestling, jumping, barking, chewing. I let them outside as quickly as possible. And that when I learned something about training hunting dogs...

Out by the back door are 2 chewed up, frozen deer legs.

Deer legs.

Gross.

Of course the dogs desperately want to bring them indoors. Yech.

Thank God it’s still winter and they are frozen. As much as I want spring to come early it can wait to be above zero for the next 2 weeks. I do not want to deal with thawed deer limbs.

The second thing I learned is that while the dogs can run around outside for more then a half hour and bark like crazy to get back in…this does not mean that they did their “business.”

How do I know this?

While enjoying Desperate Housewives, I fancied some wine. Entering the kitchen I smelled a unpleasant odour.

Poop.

There was poop on the floor by the door.

I quickly ushered all the dogs back outside and dealt with the mess. I know based on its size that it was not as might be expected one of the puppies, but one of the full grown dogs.

Unlike my childhood dog who would look guilty before you knew she’d done something none of these dogs seemed even slightly ashamed.

So in my first evening of dogsitting I had dealt with a disremembered deer and poop.

Today I’m exhausted, as I do not sleep well in other peoples beds, nor am I accustomed to the sounds dogs make in the night. I am especially not used to having a large Golden Retriever climb into bed with me in the middle of night. In my sleepy daze I could not muster a very commanding “Down” so up he stayed.

Tonight I get to do it all again. If I haven't already lost my mind...I expect that sometime over the next two weeks I will.

Balls on the Floor

2009-02-05T12:13:00.004-05:00

I am feeling suffocated under the pressure of school. I am constantly wondering if I made the right decision to go back. The pro and con list seems to be overwhelming filled with cons. These cons are only of the short term variety as in:

Utter lack of money
Constant pressure to preform
Squelching of personal life and free time
Mini panic attacks experienced on a daily basis
Fear of failure
Overwhelming worry of disappointing those that have put potentially misguided faith in my abilities as an academic.
My extremely inappropriate way in which I handle stress...stay in bed and hope it goes away - yes I know this never works but some days getting out of bed is the hardest thing I do.
General nausea

The pros, well they seem either a long way off of very small in comparison:

I am not living in the middle of nowhere working at a job with limited potential for advancement
Higher paying fulfilling job (potentially)

Nonetheless the paralyzing fear that in actually I am not smart enough for this program is constantly on my heels. Add the fact that my Teaching Assistantship is for a class of which I have very limited prior knowledge of and that knowledge is 4 years old leaves me feeling unprepared to pass judgment and award grades to students.

I have too many balls in the air. Too many balls means balls on floor not balls in the air.

Self Control? I don't have it.

2009-02-04T13:59:00.004-05:00

Lumberjack brought me dinner last night.

Despite my best efforts at ensuring I would behave myself...I did not.

Hairy legs and all.

More of the same...

2009-02-02T23:38:00.004-05:00

Lumberjack called again. I was out and missed the call. He'll be working about 40mins from my town this week and wants to take me for dinner.

I haven't called back.

I don't yet know what I'll say. The obvious answer is to gently turn him down. But this is the first guy to have peaked my interest this much in almost 3 years. The last guy was my Ex Accountant, who is, by the way, getting married this coming October. Is that not something to wonder about? Or should I have already gathered enough evidence from our previous experiences to know how this round will end? Or as a graduate student should I just take free dinners as they are offered? (Can I be that nonchalant about possibly leading a guy on...?)

This guy is a friend of my very good friends. Another couple in the group just got engaged (which for me could possibly mean attending a wedding with not just one, but two exes...gulp). I won't be able to stand it if they both won't talk to me....

I'm gonna sleep on it.

Plus Zero

2009-01-22T12:39:00.004-05:00

I think I'm done with Lumberjack, at least for now. Its just too much drama, well not exactly drama, more hot and cold. And its definitely been more cold then hot lately, and I'm just not the type of girl who chases boys down. Especially when I wasn't even that sure I really wanted him in the first place.

What lead to this revelation you ask?

Well here's the post NYE wrap up:

I had a wedding to attend on January 10. It was for a friend I used to work with in the middle of nowhere. I was not sure who I would know at this celebration so I was really hoping to bring a date. Lucky for me my friend was able to let me wait until a week before the date to confirm whether I was a plus one or a plus zero.

I went back and forth whether or not to invite Lumberjack. PhD was a big advocate for it. So as time ticked down on my date deadline I called him, my heart pounding a little not wanting to hear no.

I only get voicemail. Not about to ask a guy via voicemail I just say "hi." Then I get back to my friend saying I would be plus zero. Not his fault I know. I never asked him to come. (He did call back about an hour after I confirmed my single status).

We talked after and he said he would be coming by the following Friday if that would work for me. When I called to confirm the night before, he decided it wouldn't work for him. I was disappointed but not really surprised. So I started thinking that maybe it was time to let him go.

STOP the PRESSES

He just called again to see if I was available tonight (I'm not, going to watch the towns hockey team demolishe their rivals...at least I hope so).

So maybe the story is less finished then I thought.

But I'm still sticking to my guns. I'm putting myself out there for a guy I'm not 100% sure I'm into. I don't want to lead him on any more then I want to get my hopes up. A long distance relationship is hard enough as it is without constantly reassuring both him and myself that I am actually interested in him.

I will likely continue to see him on a very casual and infrequent basis. Maybe we will go somewhere maybe we won't. Either way, there will be no more tears.

Drama on NYE

2009-01-14T17:04:00.003-05:00

New Years Eve

Christmas is for families but NYE is for couples.

As a single this night can cause some stress as the clock counts down to midnight. In the past I have felt to be the only one not locking lips with someone special as the ball drops (these last few years I've settled for someone available).

This year I was going to a house party where I knew that at least one single girl would be in attendance and I figured the two of us would get a head start on the champagne. In reality the party was on estrogen overload. There were 9 people at this small bash and only two couples and those two men were representing the opposite sex. Therefore this party was simply overrun with beautiful single ladies. One might think that this would relieve the pressure of the midnight kiss (it did) and therefore result in a wonderfully drama free evening.

It did not.

I had spoken with Lumberjack a couple times since the dinner and he had asked permission to call me on NYE (do whatever you want...). I said yes (I'm still curious to see where this might go). I figured he'd call or he wouldn't no real problem either way (he wasn't at the party because of a work emergency....yes we was working NYE 3ish hours from all of us).

Around 10 R's phone rang and it was Lumberjack calling to wish us a Happy New Year. The phone was passed around the party to all his old roommates and best buddies from their time in Oz (this amounted to 5 of the total 9 people at the party the other 3 did not know him). But not to me.

....

Yes he talked to everyone else at a party he knew I was at and did not ask to talk to me.

I was not the only one to notice it. Some of my friends assured me, it wasn't like he'd said "No I don't want to talk to Tigerlily." or maybe he wants to call you closer to midnight.

I tried to not worry about it and went about enjoying the pink champagne and shots that kept coming around thanks to R's husband. But as the night went on and my alcohol consumption increased I was more getting more and more upset about it.

At 1am I asked R if it was odd he never called. Somehow all the ladies of the party ended up talking and I definitely cried a little (damn the vodka shots). I believe the consensus of the night was its just not worth it. And while I didn't want to agree the evidence was with them.

R and I finally got her husband to take us home close to 6am.

When I woke impossibly early the next morning with nothing to do while waiting for my friends to wake. I noticed an icon I'd never seen before on my phone. Upon further investigation I discovered that I had a voicemail.

Apparently in my drunken emotional state of the night before I was unable to work my phone.

Lumberjack had called, and left me a message shortly after midnight.

Fathers and Daughters

2009-01-13T11:24:00.005-05:00

As I'm sure everyone past a certain age can attest to, traveling home at Christmas time as a single can bring on some awkward moments.

My adventure home was no exception. As the only sibling without a long term SO (regardless of the fact no one in the fam is overly enamored with lil sis's bf) as well as being the eldest the pressure is on.

Now my mother knows this is a delicate topic of conversation and aside from asking many questions should the topic come up she leaves me be. My father on the other hand, while meaning well has the ability to stick his foot in his mouth.

In the days leading up the holiday, I found myself home alone with my father. Now I'm not entirely sure how this topic was brought up but it went something like this:

Dad: You're mother and I just want you have someone to share your life with.

Me: I know Dad.

Dad: Well are you going out? When boys ask you out you should go, you may like them.

Me: Its not like I'm turning guys down left and right, I'm busy with school and making a life for myself in my new city.

Dad: Have you tried the internet? I've heard a lot of people are doing that now.

Me: DAD! I'm not ready to look on the internet for boys. I kind of find it creepy putting myself out there like that.

Dad: Well about the boys at school? There got to be someone there.

Me: My school has a small graduate program most of the student are undergraduates plus I'm four years older then the average grad student. They're just too young for me.

Dad: So date someone younger. You could be a cougar*.

Me: ..............

So my Dad thinks I should try internet dating and start prowling the bars for younger men.

Amazing.

*To my Dad's credit he was not aware of the full definition of a cougar. He thought it was just older women who were dating younger men.

Nightime Adventure

2009-01-12T20:28:00.002-05:00

Sometime in the middle of the night I found myself somewhere between sleep and awake. During that moment I managed to punch myself in the face splitting my lip.

I punched myself in the face and split my lip.

While I was sleeping.

Christmas Shing-Dig

2009-01-07T10:45:00.003-05:00

Dec 12 2008

PhD and her bf CN threw a Christmas party for all to enjoy. Oddly enough, the two of them had gone to HS together many years ago but didn't date, or hang out really until a little over a year ago. (She thought he was totally cool and dreamy, but he was 2 years older and according to the rules of high school, didn't have a chance...oh how things change!). The party was full of people they went to HS with, which in a twist of fate is in the town my parents recently bought their future retirement home. This crowd of people included RC.

Now at the time I thought I was being all cool and nonchalant about the whole thing. However I later found out that my two girlfriends at the party spent a significant amount of time calling the play by play as RC and I made our way around the room talking to each other and then splitting off and always returning to each other. I place the blame solidly on CN's shoulders for keeping my extra large wine glass full all night.

As it got later and things subsequently got blurrier RC dragged me back to PhD and CN's bedroom. Don't worry I'm not that kind of friend, we just used the room as place to kiss, all very upstanding all 4 feet on the floor. We were never left alone long...which I found annoying at the time.

As the night started to draw to a close (this was around 4am) RC approached me to see if I wanted to go back to his place instead of sleeping on the couch at PhD's. I really wanted to go. But as always was worried about what people would think (seriously I'm 27 stop worrying about what other people think). PhD basically shoved a set of keys to her place in my hand and sent me out the door saying she expected this the whole night.

So down the street to RC's I went. He kept saying it was mostly to let PhD's brother to have some privacy with his new gf who were sleeping on an air mattress in the same room I was meant to be in. I thought this was hilarious because I'm pretty sure this was NOT his main intention.

If he was thinking what about I think he was thinking about he was disappointed. I was there for sleep and aside from a few more minutes of making out sleep is all we did (it was 5 am or so).

Unfortunately I do not sleep well in other peoples beds, especially when construction is going on next door starting at 8am and so loud it sounded like the construction men where in the room with us. Add to that that RC snores like a walrus. I wasn't able to sleep in as long as someone who was up to 5am usually might. I giggled and the growling coming from the boy next to me, and tried to snuggle a little.

I got no response, he just lay there like a log. He woke a little and said that his head was killing him. He refuse my offer to get him some Advil. So instead I ran my fingers through his hair, lightly scratching his head. (When I have a headache, or just in general I love when people do this). Again no response. No sighs, no "that feels nice" no nothing at all.

Feeling a little less then welcome. I got up said I think I should be getting back to PhD's. As I was about leave he asked if I wanted him to walk me to the door.

Uh....YES! But he didn't sound all that enthusiastic about it, so I said no.

Then I walked all the back to PhD's in Canadian winter with no hat or mittens (because apparently at 4am after numerous large glasses of wine the cold didn't bother me). The whole time I couldn't help but wonder if he just wasn't that into me, is just that shy, or was just that hung over.

Blownaway

2009-01-05T17:25:00.005-05:00

**Over the holidays I have been away from blogging. However I started many posts as these events played out. So instead of creating one outlandishly long post I will finish said previously started so you can read along with the suspense I felt while living them.**

Middle of December

I am not an organized person. I am always about 10 minutes late, this is something I hate about myself. My parents were always 10 minutes late so I guess I came by it honestly, but this does not lessen the fact that I am constantly finding myself scrambling around at the last minute.

So as usual I was scrambling around trying to get to Bulk Barn so that I could by the necessary ingredients for the Christmas treats I was creating for an upcoming Christmas party. Just as I was about to shove me feet into my boots and shut off the lights my phone rings. I expect it to be PhD and grab the phone to take with my on my excursion (it was her party, she could hear me complain about the rain that I had to shop in to get the goodies). But it wasn't her name on the call display. It was Lumberjack's.

What?

Wait? Should I answer this call? I stared at the phone with my mouth open until I recognized from the ring tone that his call was about to be sent to voicemail.

I flipped my phone open and said hello.

He was very casual at first, like it hadn't a month since we last spoke on the phone, and even longer since he left my bed early one morning never to return.

I just went with the flow. Saying what I'd been up too, and how our mutual friends were doing (I see a lot more of them then he does). After an awkward pause he started to apologize. He said he never intended for that to have been the last night we saw each other. That he liked talking and spending time with me. That he hadn't been seeing anyone else while we were together (which lead me to believe that he'd seen someone since the break-up but that has never been confirmed or denied, or even asked about).

He said he thinks I'm an amazing girl and that he wasn't sure if he could give me what I want, or that he deserved me. (I hate Hate HATE when people think they know what I want without asking or think they aren't good enough for me....let me make my own decisions thank-you very much!)

Apparently the idea of spending Halloween watching scary movies and drinking red dyed drinks with our mutual friends was too couplely for him and instead of telling me that he bailed. For me meeting each others personal friends is much more couplely then hanging with your mutual ones...but that is not the point. The point is he bailed without an explanation, and then avoided me (my opinion) or we couldn't connect (his opinion).

He apologized a lot and sounded very sincere. He thanked me for answering the call, and asked if he could call me again.

I said yes. Have a Merry Christmas.

He said I'll call you before then.

I hung up the phone sat on the couch and immediately sent our mutual friends a WTF text.

Then I remembered I still needed to get candies for the party and was now even later then ever.

The return

2008-12-08T18:31:00.005-05:00

I have a new crush.

Or rather an old crush as returned. Remember RC?

After my summer of being unavailable to anyone and everyone and my fling with Lumberjack, RC was put on the back burner. But now he's back.

He is my friend PhD's bf's best friend (did you catch that?). And since PhD. moved to Toronto and conveniently lives down the street from RC I see him when I go visit her.

The first time was about a month ago. PhD, her bf, myself and a few others went to RC's place to watch the game. While there I noticed he has one of my all time favourite books on his shelf. (It's not one of those books that one sees all over the place.) The rest of the eveing I kept my eye on him and the old crush did not let me down.

Last time was just recently.

I was down in the city visiting PhD, as I do and that nights events included wine, as it usually does. After some shy talking and very grade school-esque ignoring each other, RC and I found ourselves alone on PhD's brand new $1 couch. Upon discovering this we began to make-out like bandits.

It was fun. Making out on the couch with PhD and her BF in there room (presumably sleeping). It felt very HS where we could be caught by someones parents at any moment.

Since I wasn't will to walk back to his place in the dark cold of 4am and he wasn't too keen to stay with me on the couch (no blame there, this is the house where an overly friendly lab likes to lick my face in the early am) the night ended there.

So RC is back in game.

Accent

2008-12-06T18:05:00.003-05:00

I just took an online quiz to find out which American accent I have. Seeing as I'm Canadian I thought it would be interesting to see if this quiz could even place me among my neighbours to the South.

Well it did, and the results made me laugh out loud.

I was lumped in as a person with a "North Central" accent. Here's how the website described it.

"North Central is was the professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot."

So there you have it. The quiz had me pegged as a Canadian even though it wasn't designed for Canadian accents. Now I want to see the movie Fargo just to see if I do indeed sound like that.

Bye Bye Lumberjack

2008-11-25T17:15:00.003-05:00

Lumberjack and I are finished.

I'm actually surprised at how Okay I am. For the first time I told someone I was dating that their behaviour had upset me. I know its crazy that I had never done that before (at least not calmly....). But I haven't. I've always been afraid of their reaction. I've always thought they would react, well, just like Lumberjack did.

How did Lumberjack react?

Well his reply was "long distance is difficult," (like I wasn't aware of that) "this is the best I can do," (seriously....the BEST you can do) "maybe it would be better if you date someone locally." (at least that's not ambiguous).

He said he would call me later so we could finish our conversation. That was 2 weeks ago. I think I'm pretty safe that call is not coming.

Oddly enough this episode made me feel better about speaking up, not worse. In the past I have always let these things build until they either come exploding out at inopportune times or just wear away on my self esteem. This way I was able to say my piece and gave him a chance to say his. I was expecting more of an apology for leaving in the middle of the night and then not calling for a week. I wasn't expecting the end of a relationship that had barely gotten off the ground.

But there you have it. I am single once again, approaching the holiday season closely followed by a wedding that my plus one, is more then likely to be a plus zero.

Charred

2008-11-17T15:51:00.005-05:00

Last night I burned my dinner. Technically I burned my dinner for the next few days and I was trying to be proactive by making a large pot of pea soup that I could reheat for the rest of the week and have a quick nutritious meal so I wouldn't end up eating pudding. (I absolutely did not eat pudding for dinner last Monday night).

I came home from a massive and much needed grocery shop and while putting the hoards of food away I started the soup. My recipe is very simple however there is a twist...it takes about 2 hours of simmering on the stove for the little hard peas to get to their deliciously mushy edible state (its seriously IS delicious). I started the water boiling, added the peas, the onion, the ham, and the spices and left it to bubble while I sorted all the new goodies. Then I cut up the carrots and potatoes to be added about 1/2 hour before the soup is done.

My attic apartment was getting decidedly steamy by the time I went back to the endless amount of work I have. I was thinking how wonderful my apartment would soon start smelling as the soup simmered on the stove.

No sooner had I settled down in front of my computer did I notice the "steam" had more of a smoky look to it. Heading back to the kitchen my nose catches the distinct smell of smoke. Looking at the soup I was puzzled, it looked fine. At that moment my smoke alarm agreed with my nose:

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Running back to my living room I fan the device with a throw pillow until the screeching stops. Silently praying that my neighbours can't hear the sound. I go back to the kitchen and move the soup off the element, thinking that some must have slopped over onto the red hot metal...

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Back to the living room. Fan with through pillow. Silence. Run to closet to get the fan to blow fresh air on the smoke alarm in an attempt to keep the thing quiet. By now there is no mistaking the smoke lingering in the air. And linger is it will, as in order to ensure some sort of energy efficiency the windows in my apartment were sealed shut about 3 weeks ago. I open the only window I can, the bathroom, despite the -4C temperature outside.

In the kitchen again I inspect the soup. Still looks good to me. Experimentally I insert a spoon into the pot. Everything seems good - oh WAIT.....I pour the soup into my only other largish pot....The bottom of the first pot is positively caked with charred green peas. I have never seen anything quite like it.

Apparently it is very important to stir the soup fairly continually so the peas don't stick to the bottom and burn.

In my desperation as a starving student I attempt to salvage the meal. I add immense amounts of basil, pepper, salt and dill (only because it was just sitting there on top of the stove, and well my soup needed whatever it could get) to try and mask the unmistakable charred flavour. It worked....sort of.

I am going to eat this soup, because as mentioned I am a student and am still waiting for my student loan to come through and currently have $6.45 in the bank (no word of a lie) and this dinner had about $7 of ham it it. (maybe I'll just pick the ham and the veggies out....)

So tonight I am heading home to leftover burned pea soup, and an apartment that undoubtedly still smells like burning, and a pot still caked in charred peas that I left soaking in a vain hope that by soaking for 24hrs it will magically be clean.

1 week later...

2008-11-07T12:57:00.005-05:00

The lumberjack called last night and left a message:

"Hey its Lumberjack, I'm just finishing the worst week of my life and am driving to Toronto. Give me a call" [then he left his number, like he thinks I've already forgotten?]

I didn't call right away. I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts together and was mentally prepared to actually tell him what I needed. It may not sound hard to do, but for me, the eternal peacekeeper, I like to see other people happy and at times this comes at my expense.

When I did call, he didn't answer. Very anti-climatic I know. I didn't leave a message. He has call display.

And whats with "the worst week of my life." Am I now supposed to feel guilty because I was mad at him? Does this excuse him from his bad behaviour? Shouldn't he have wanted to talk to me during this bad week?

I didn't have the best week myself: My beloved computer got a virus. Luckily I quickly realized I was inept at fixing this problem, and took it to the professionals. Four days and $80 later I got it back. I bounced my rent cheque. Not good. Not good at all. Luckily I think I realized this before my landlord and was able to provide a new cheque that will clear before they had to ask me about it. Unfortunately I got charged $42 for Insufficient funds. (which for someone who didn't have the money to clear the original cheque can't really afford). So now I have exactly $105.36 in my bank account to last me until Nov 28th when I will receive another paycheque too small to cover rent.

Student loans here I come.

Also during my bad week the boy I was hoping to possibly turn into a bf disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Have I been here before?

2008-10-31T12:54:00.004-04:00

I had dinner with the Lumberjack two days in a row. Last Wednesday (unexpectedly) and Thursday (as previously planned) I had hoped that two dates in one week might clarify things, instead things feel murkier then ever.

Wednesday

I receive a call around 10am from Lumberjack. Saying he would driving through my city that night and if I would let him, he would like to bring me dinner. I was working on a midnight deadline but he was insistent, and hey a girls gotta eat and if an attractive guy would like to bring me some take out (especially with my financial situation being less then prosperous lately), how could I resist.

Lumberjack shows up with some amazing take out from a real restaurant. (ie not pizza, or KFC, or Chinese) and fresh fruit and veggies he saw at a roadside stand. We sat on my loveseat and ate and talked and laughed. It just felt good. To be with someone, who wanted to be with me. I had to send him n his was around 9pm so I could finish up my project before midnight. But wow did I want him to stay. But we had plans for the following night.

Thursday

Since Lumberjack had sprung for dinner the night before I was going to make dinner for him. He said not to worry about it that he would make dinner and I was to try to relax. I have to say at this point I was sure I would be in for another great night. But when he showed up came with take out because he had changed his mind about cooking. Then he insisted on watching a movie while we ate. Which to me is just code for not having to talk. I realize he was tired. He had a 3hour drive from my place to his hotel the night before. But I feel like no matter how tired you are you can always talk. He went to bed before the movie was over, which I found kind of awkward to have someone in my bed without me....so I brushed my teeth and followed suit. It was late. Lumberjack is an early riser. By 6am he was tossing. By 7 he decided he couldn't lie down any longer and would go for a drive and come back later. I was still half asleep. Its still dark at 7am (or at least it was last week before the time change). I didn't argue I have an extremely comfortable bed and like to lounge a little, plus I hate getting up before the sun. He got out of bed and left without kissing my goodbye. An hour later he called to say that he decided to just continue on to his buddies place. Where he would spend the rest of the weekend.

When I hung up the phone I cried. It was 8am, and I was crying. Over a boy I haven't fully made my up over. It was the way he was talking that bothered me. His need to confirm that I had plans, that I was too busy to see him, that his being there would be a bother to me. I didn't know how to argue with that logic. I didn't want to go out on a limb to say I had made tentative plans with our mutual friends to watch scary movies for Halloween. I don't want to go out on any limb.

It reminded me of a Certain Ex and his need to make me feel like it was my fault. And yet hearing these familiar words I still couldn't say what I knew I needed to. I couldn't tell him that I wasn't busy. That I had planned on spending the day with him and the night, even though it terrified me.

So many things I can't say, so many questions I'm afraid to ask.

It's Sunday night now and we haven't spoken.

The Lumberjack

2008-10-31T12:50:00.002-04:00

The Lumberjack and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. Seriously only I could turn a one night stand into a relationship. What kind of relationship it is, well that still to be defined.

Lumberjack called me the day after the wedding. He had made a big deal about getting my phone number even after I went through my old spiel about how I lived in the forest and got no reception, was moving in a week and would be getting a new number soon after..... Apparently none of that phased him.

He called and left messages and returned those calls from the park in town where I could make and receive calls. And 5 days later he showed up on my doorstep at my cabin in the woods with dinner in hand. We got up early the next day and he continued on his way home (to Timmins, way the hell up north in Ontario) and I started packing. It wasn't until 3 hours later that I discovered that he'd left about 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants hanging in my closet. (He later joked that it was to ensure I'd have to see him again). So I packed up all his clothes - very carefully so my parents would not see that I was moving a substantial amount of male clothing - with all my stuff and moved.

5 days later he shows up at my doorstep in my new attic apartment in my new small city and takes me to dinner. This is how its been for the last two months, except the frequency has dwindled some. We don't see each other every 5 days, its more like every other week. He lives about 8-9 hours from me. But his work causes him to be on the road all week long so is at times down in the south near me, and when he is we get together.

I've deffinately entered into some kind of "relationship" with this man. But what kind has yet to be determined.

Yes we talk all the time. Almost every night. Always less then a 1/2 hour sometimes only 5 minutes. Regardless seeing his name on the call display makes me smile.

However at times I feel he's being evasive. Not in a way I can identify which is all the more frustrating. We haven't had anything like an exclusivity talk but it doesn't feel like he's hiding someone else from me (although this would be entirely possible as he lives far away and is constantly on the road: "a girl in each port" and all that). I feel more that he's hiding his heart until he's sure. But I need more of him before I can make any decisions as to whether I'm sure.

Freaking Out.

2008-10-28T15:57:00.007-04:00

I am freaking out. Seriously freaking out. Stomach in knots can not concentrate on what I'm doing freaking out.

I am sitting in my office dragging my feet on a particularly complicated and incredibly uninteresting assignment when I realize: Hey its pay day! Woot Woot. When you only get paid once a month, pay day is definitely a day to look forward too.

So I navigate over to the TDCanadaTrust website to ensure all my riches made it safely into my dwindling bank account. I immediately realize something just isn't right....

Upon further investigation, I realize my paycheque is missing about $400. wtf?

My entire "paycheque" for the month of October is $5 shy of my rent. (please do note, my tuition is deducted from my pay therefore I do not have to come up with $2500 3x a year)

$400

I don't know about you, but to me that's a lot of dough. When I so carefully mapped out my budget for the coming year as a student based on last months pay and a thrice yearly scholarship cheque, that $400 was allocated to gas, food, and fun.

Maybe (maybe) I can cut down on my gas. I am an environmental science student. Do I really need to drive everywhere? -I don't actually drive everywhere, just to school and to see friends on weekends. (sorry to all my friends I will no longer be seeing....you will have to come to me)

Maybe I can cut down on my food. I mean I don't need lunch everyday (do I?) , and KD now comes with whole wheat noodles (does whole wheat make up for the fact there basically no nutritional value what so ever inside that blue box?). One box does me 2 meals and it's only $1.50! The time for creativity is now...it is also the time seek out and find as many events or invitations that include free food.

But to cut down on my fun? My FUN! My instincts scream NO! In general I do very inexpensive things for fun (except the occasional vacation....). I hardly ever go shopping and I am serious need of some new wardrobe staples. But I guess (sigh) food comes before fashion.

I guess I have to tighten my belt (not that I can afford one). And maybe think about applying for a loan (something I really wanted to avoid).

So so long luxuries like Starbucks and lunch. Maybe I'll see you in 2 years.

Begin at the Begining

2008-10-12T00:50:00.010-04:00

So much has happened in the months that I have been away, and for most of it I was too tired, stressed, busy, overworked, or just listless to attempt witty humour. Since much of what happened in the past is required to stay current.

I like blogging because it helps me to sort out my feelings and I miss it now. I had been meaning to start blogging again, but everything that happened in the last few months is needed to understand where I am now. And since I am a huge procrastinator from way back I have been neglecting starting the "previously on" entry. So instead I'm am going to use the every efficient bullet point strategy.

Unpaid and Underappreciated

I worked 12 hours per day 7 days a week from the end of June to the middle of July.
My boss was unpleasant....by unpleasant read irritable, condescending, and unappreciative.
In total I worked 29 full days of overtime (in a little over 2 months). Oh and that overtime was unpaid. Yes unpaid. To be fair I could take time in lieu and I did take 7 days for a wedding. However, my contract was up before I could cash in on the other 22 days.
I couldn't complain because I needed the reference, also, my current work is linked to the work I did last summer and I will have to work together with my former unpleasant boss.
Over the course of the summer I missed 3 good friends birthdays, a family reunion, a huge concert/party, 2 long weekends, a volleyball tournament, and a funeral. Yes a funeral, I was allowed to leave "early" to make the visitation...(by early it was 2.5hours after the offical quitting time)
So after all that I packed a whole summers worth of fun into the last 2 weeks of August:

Two weddings, A birthday, and a Lumberjack.

Wedding 1

Details: Maui, Hawaii, August 19
People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph.
Me: Maid of Honour
This was basically the exact vacation I needed to recover from the worst summer ever.
5 of us stayed in a condo on the ocean. 3 girls, 2 boys.
The boys made the girls breaky every morning and drinks all day!
We read trashy (read fantastic) teen vampire romances
We sat by the pool, swam in the ocean, watch stunning sunsets, saw sea turtles, went snorkeling, learned to surf, and celebrated the wedding of two of my best friends.
I was awake everyday at 6am sat on the lanai and watched the ocean and luxerated in the warm breezes.
Life was perfect.

My Birthday

August 22, Age 27
Was largely spent on a plane coming from Hawaii to Toronto. (Side note: The Hawaiian airport doesn't have a book store....seriously, its 5 hours to anywhere and no book store...magazines just won't do on a 5 hour flight!)
I rushed to Guelph, then rushed to get ready for the rehearsal.
Where I spent my 27th celebrating my friends impending nuptials with my Ex Accountant.
Some slight awkwardness with Ex, but we mostly just avoided each other
The bridal party left early to spend some quality with just the ladies
While it was just the 5 of us R gave us our bridal party gifts which were personalized, amazing and touching
Then I got birthday gifts which I wasn't expecting, I tend to play down my birthday in general, and especially when I am celebrating one of my best friends weddings.
All in all turning 27 was pretty damn good.

Wedding 2

Details: Guelph ON, August 23rd
People: Two very good friends that I met working in a bar in Guelph (yes that is correct I met both couples working in the same bar, and they got married 4 days apart)
Me: Bridesmaid
My Ex: Best Man
I had to leave paradise early in order to attend this wedding, and it did not disappoint
Aside from my Ex Account the entire wedding party was amazing. We laughed and goofed around and posed for countless pics all day.
I attended dateless but never felt alone.
Open bar allowed me to have my final say with the Ex Accountant and that relationship has been put to rest.
Open bar also allowed me to flirt shamelessly with a hot Lumberjack that attended teacher's college with my now wed friends.
Said shameless flirting continued to the after party in the hotel
Said shamless flirting continued to my hotel room
For the first time ever, I slept with a man I had just met.
I then kicked him out of the room, to allow S, the bridesmaid I was sharing the room with back in (she never did come back though).
It was all very Samantha Jones of me.
I paid for the whole room bill as I felt guilty about kicking S out...
At 27 years old I had my first one night stand....or so I thought at the time....

Moving on Up

Moved to a small city in Eastern Ontario
Started a Master's Program in Environmental Studies
Live in an Attic (so I suppose the name of my blog is no longer relevant, but I can't change it now....or I've just started on my way up.)

More stories will come but at least now the basics have been accounted for.

Stay tuned.

Return to Civilization

2008-09-19T11:23:00.002-04:00

I have moved back to a place where I have both internet access (wireless no less) and cell phone reception!

My blog was neglected due to lack of time and accessibility over the summer but as soon as I get a little more settled into my new life, I hope to be blogging on a regular basis.

Stay tuned!

Deleted

2008-08-03T18:13:00.002-04:00

I have finally deleted A Certain Ex from my cell phone.

In a moment of strength I realized enough was enough. And while in the past his number had proven invaluable to me, that is no longer true. There will always be another way, someone else, someone better to call.

In the past month I have come to realize the man who meant the world to me for 4 years is no longer that man. He is hardly a shadow of that man. For four years we dated and it went from fabulous to much less then not good. For four years after that we, well I don’t know what we were really. For a while we were nothing. I was in another serious relationship, but when that relationship ended he was there for me when my girlfriends couldn’t be.

I now think he took advantage of me while I was fragile and lonely. I don’t think it was his intention, but it was the outcome.

In a way I still loved him. I suppose a part of me will always love the man he used to be, and our unwritten fairytale.

But I’m growing up, and as they say its time to put away childish things.

So to avoid unnecessary temptation he has been removed from my cell phone, and therefore my life, if not in a physical way, the most literal way I can.

The Unexpected

2008-07-20T10:40:00.002-04:00

Many things in life can be unexpected. Surprise parties. Promotions. A kind word. A harsh word. A car accident. Marriage proposals. A sweet smile.

Or unexpected reactions to situations.

This has been a long cool wet spring full of unexpected reactions and self realizations.

Two months ago I was in attendance at a Stag & Doe. Which is in and of itself not an uncommon event. However this particular Stag & Doe was thrown by the Best Man, also not uncommon, one might say it is even expected. The Best Man threw this Stag & Doe for his best friend in their home town and invited the out of towners to crash at his house. All this may very well seem to fit into the realm of the perfectly ordinary. This Best Man is also my Ex Accountant. The Ex whom I had not spoken to once since I, in tears, walked out of his apartment two years ago. The Ex who replied “Did you call about a parking permit?” when I said “I love you.” The Ex who said “I don’t miss you when you’re gone.” The Ex who pretended to have forgotten our anniversary when in fact he had remembered it, but chose not to acknowledge or spend it with me.

The town these boys call home is 350km from my cabin in the forest, thus qualifying me as an out of towner.

One might ask: Why go?

It is an exceptionally long way to travel, with the added expense of a hotel room once arrived. Clearly staying at his place was not an option. I can answer that question with one word.

Bridesmaid.

I had known this day was coming for a long time. From the moment my dear friend asked me to be a part of her day, I knew I would no longer be able to pretend the year (exactly) I had spend with my Ex Accountant had never happened. That I would have to face him and all those who knew us when we were together. I had been able to avoid this entirely for the first year after our break up as the only friends we held mutually were safely living on the entire other side of the world in Australia. These friends returned from Australia one year ago, engaged, and I for the first time in a year I really dealt with the loss of a relationship that spanned a very transitional year in my life.

I thought I was prepared for any possible reaction or situation resulting from once again laying eyes on this man. The realization I was still in love. The stabbing pain in my stomach when I saw him with his new lady. Him realizing he had let me go too easily. A dramatic scene complete with tears and raised voices. Or the reaction I was most hoping for….nothing. A hello, maybe a hug, a how are things going for you? And once the ice was broken, maybe we could pretend to be friends for long enough that eventually we stopped pretending. I mean we shared a year together, clearly we had something in common.

Well I got what I wanted.

Nothing.

However the nothing I got and the nothing defined above are very different.

Arriving at the hall I was very nervous. I was at the disadvantage. This was his town, these were his friends, he had planned the whole thing. Even as part of the bridal party I felt out of place. Like I was crashing a party I had every reason, no, a duty to attend.

I was received as a stranger. The people I had spent a year of my life with didn’t seem to recognize me. My Ex himself did not attempt to speak with me. When I approached him with an offer to help tidy up, he turned me away.

I don’t need to be friends with him. Thankfully, when I did lay eyes on him, aside from the shock of physically seeing him, I had no residual feelings. I just do not want to feel that way at the wedding. I do not want to feel like that at the rehearsal dinner, which by the way, coincides with my Twenty-Seventh Birthday. [Yes I have to spend my 27th with a man who would rather pretend I no longer existed.]

I just don’t understand that sort of behaviour.

Unfortunately I will be attending this wedding unescorted. That’s right dateless. I don’t think its appropriate to bring a “non-significant other” to a wedding in which I’m a part of leaving the poor guy to amuse himself while I’m with the ladies getting ready, while pictures are being taken, while I’m sitting at the head table and he is sitting somewhere else. So like in so many other situations, I will be arriving unaccompanied.

As time goes on, I am beginning to be more comfortable with that.

"Spring" = Twitterpaition

2008-04-29T08:59:00.014-04:00

I've waited to post this until I was less twitterpaited. Otherwise I may have declared my undying love for Mr. Rubik's Cube (RC). Hmmm. It seems I may have just done so anyway.

A couple of weeks ago I went to visit RC and my mutual friends. I had some business in the city in which they live, and it was PhD's bf's birthday. Perfect time for the second meeting.

I have to admit I was excited when I found out he was coming. I was extra excited when I found out he originally wasn't coming but changed his mind when he heard that I was.

Over the course of the weekend I found out more tid bits of info that mean he and I are meant to be. That's right I said it.

*For example, he's a Star Wars fan. I am too. There I said it out loud. I love Star Wars. Not in a dress-up-in-costumes-and-act-out-scenes kind of way but more of a I just-really-liked-the-movies-and-possibly-may-have-read-post-movies-books kind of way. Whereas the Ex Accountant needed me to "explain" the movies to him. Um, they're movies, that children understand.

*His last name and my last name begin with the same letter therefore if we get married (whoa who knew I could be 'this' girl?) my initials won't change. I am kind of partial to my initials over the course of the past 26 years I have developed a way of intertwining them that I enamored with.

*His parents live in a small town about a 1/2 hour from where my parents bought their future retirement home. Why is this important? Well I hate the idea of switching out holidays. As in this Christmas with the in-laws, next Christmas with my family. With everyone so close we can see both sides of the family ("the family" who is 'this' girl).

Clearly I am slightly crazy. I will blame it on the fact that spring and summer came and went in one week, and apparently winter is back. And he will never know about this ever. Because while I think its fine for me to list such important things, I would totally freak if I heard he was too.

Seeing as it had been 2 months since I had last seen him, and since summer is approaching, and come summer my schedule is "unpredictable." I decided something had to happen to move this little infatuation along. Throw into the mix, that he is the shyest guy I have come across in a long time and that PhD's house is a zoo (Seriously 5 people and 3 dogs!) well I had to take matters into my own hands.

The opportunity presented itself when he offered to walk me to bed. (Walk me to bed huh? All the way upstairs and down the hall, what a gentleman.) I accepted as it would be the first (an only) time we were alone all weekend. As we were standing at the door to the spare/my room he was looking at me in a way I was completely unable to read. And since I liked him and had had my share of delicious homemade wine that night I kissed him.

And...He spent the night with me.

We kissed some more, but didn't go farther then that. I can't when I really like someone, I need it to mean something. I need to know he wants to be with me not just with someone. And that was the look in his eyes I couldn't read.

Did he want to be with me? Did he want to see me again? Or did he just want to spend the night with me?

It's been 2 weeks and I still don't know.

That's right. The RC did not ask for my number. He did say I see you again since you're moving here now. (Which is true. I will most likely be moving to PhD's city, but not until September and I kind of wanted to see him before that). He may have tried to kiss me when we dropped him at the bus station. I can't be sure. I know I was going in for a check kiss so I may have thwarted his attempts.

All I get from PhD is that yes he likes me but a) he's shy (and here I thought I made it clear I liked him, maybe I didn't) and b) he apparently had a run in with a "mean girl."

Some of my friends think I should give up. And part of me thinks this is valid. I don't want to be with a guy whose too shy to ask for my number. I'm not worried about his "mean girl" from the past. I have also been damaged by boys who were less then careful with my heart. And he is the first guy in 3 years (yes 3 years) that I have been this interested in.

Maybe I'll get to know him better and the infatuation will go away, or maybe it will grow. Maybe I'll one day be Mrs. RC or maybe I'm setting my heart up for more damage.

Most of the fun is waiting to see how it plays out ;o)

I'm Free

2008-04-26T12:33:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was my last day car-pooling to work. I am free from traveling to and from work with my supervisor that I cannot stand.

Its not that he's a bad guy he's an Okay guy, but man, I won't miss him when my contract is up. I am definitely not going to miss how chatty he is at 7:30am.

Here are some of the awkward/annoying things he does/did:

~A squirrel made a dash for it in front of my car. He in the passenger seat, jerked so hard he spilled coffee all over. When I questioned him about it...he said he thought it was a deer. 3 inch tall squirrel : 5 foot tall deer? Not exactly the same. p.s. I didn't hit the squirrel.

~When I ask him a question, he blinks his eyes very slowly and nods, making me (and anyone else he does this to) feel like an idiot.

~He never paid my friend back when she bought him a ticket for a film festival.

~He wears his pants wrong. Not sure how exactly, but its wrong.

~When he doesn't know the answer to a question he makes one up

~His hair....

~Once he asked me out (awkward) and then cancelled via text. For which I was very thankful, as I was about to text him that "something had come up"

~He always has a story that's better then yours. No matter what the original story is.

~He tells me (at 7:30am) about his dates.

~The sole sound of his voice makes my skin crawl

But now I'm free!!!!

Even better, as of Thursday, I am on a new contract with a New Supervisor.

He will become someone I see in passing, sure he'll still run the lab, and I'll be in the lab from time to time but I will no longer work for him nor will I drive with him.

And that feels great!

Earth Day

2008-04-22T10:54:00.002-04:00

Today is Earth Day!

So go out and Hug a Tree. C'mon, it'll feel good.

C.O.D.

2008-04-22T10:33:00.005-04:00

For Christmas I got this:

Beautiful isn't it?

So you can imagine how sad I was when one day about a month ago I came home from work, popped my iPod in it's slot and got...No Sound! Nothing! Nada! I could see it working but couldn't hear anything.

This immediately lead to a medium sized panic attack, as I only just recently got my iPod back from 2 month away (2 MONTHS) from making no sound. I couldn't believe that my iPod was broken again, and after some very scientific testing, it turned out that my iPod was in working order but my dock was not.

At least that is still under warranty.

After calling the company I was told I would have to mail the stereo back to them for maintenance. Back to them mean Philadelphia. And therefore at least a $20 shipping fee. Oh and no they wouldn't me mailing me a postage paid box to preform said shipping. (I asked because when my computer crashed, that's what Compaq did)

So you imagine my surprise when about a week later a package arrived COD from Altec Lansing. I couldn't imagine they gave in and mailed me a box, and then charge me the postage. And no they didn't. Instead the mailed me a brand new stereo, and charged me the shipping. (What kind of company is this?)

So now I have two. One that works and one broken one. I am not going to pay another $20 to mail the broken one back to them...but I might pay someone to make it work (is that unethical? Its not like I asked them to mail a new one and there was nothing in the box but the stereo, no instructions whatsoever)

The really weird part is that they never even verified that I'd only that the first system for less the the one year warranty. They just shipped out a new one...so weird.

Packing...or not...

2008-04-17T20:18:00.005-04:00

It's getting close to moving day. That means I have to pack.

I Absolutely Hate packing.

I'm looking around at the tiny room I've been living if for the past *gasp* year, and everything is in complete disarray.

It's awful.

I hate living like this, but this room is currently holding almost all of my worldly possessions and is a mere 8'x10'. Yeah thats right. Not only does it have all my current possessions, it also contains remnants of my childhood: Bunnikins tea set, multiple unicorn music boxes and many dead flowers from special occasions gone by.

One might think the though of muliple rooms in which to keep said possession would cause me to leap into action...sadly no. The idea of wading through the wreakage of this room is not appealing at all.

Moving in however. Is something I love! I don't think I'll ever tire of getting things out of boxes and finding just the right place for them to help make my accomadations my home.

But for now its just Thursday night. Packing is something best left til weekends, when it can be spiced up some with wine.

Here's to Plan D!

2008-04-04T10:51:00.011-04:00

They tell you when you get older that time will move quicker.

As I child I thought this was ridiculous. I had learned about time in school, and there was no physical way to speed it up. I knew this because I had experienced just how long it took for my birthday to roll around every year...or Christmas...Halloween.

Oddly, it turned out that those grown-ups were correct.

Time does somehow have a way of speeding up on us. Not that you notice it in a day to day way. But more a week to week, or especially year to year. It is even increasingly more apparent when babies turn into toddlers, and toddlers into children and children into teenagers in what seems to be the equivalent of a week.

While I have no children of my own to watch, I am an "Auntie" to several small ones, some of whom are not actually that small anymore, and some of whom have yet to join us in the world, but as this time paradox shows, they will all be teenagers, by next fall, tops.

Upon reaching my mid-twenties, I've begun to take stock of my life. What I have accomplished? What do I regret? What should I have done by now? What do I want to do before I'm 30? (That's really the scary one, even the thought I could possibly be approaching 30...how did that happen?)

Turns out much of what I had planned for my life has not yet happened. (Some of these plans originated when I was about 15, and what did I know about life then!) These things include marriage and children. As of yet I have neither, but this does not bother me that much. I do however find it odd to think, that if I had followed Plan A, I would have been married for about a year by now, and planning children....whoa.

Plan B included a successful job and living in a small city somewhere working out how to save the world. I have a job, and if you measure success on a monetary scale...I'm slightly (and by slightly, I mean a lot) less successful then Plan B dictated, also, I live in a small town, with my parents.

When I realized Plan B was shot to hell I formulated Plan C. I liked Plan C of all my previous plans 'C' was definitely looking up. It allowed me to continue to live with my parents while working at my less-successful-then-hoped job while I gained enough "experience" to move on to the previously defined "successful job." All the while I would be paying off my car loan, my student loan and saving up to buy...a house! That's right I was throwing the old custom away, that you needed to "be" with someone to buy a house. I was going to save-up up and do it on my own!, by the time I was 30 (that gave me almost 4 years to save and get said "successful" job which I thought was sufficient time.)

But now, it looks as though Plan C will also be going down the toilet to mingle with Plans A, B, and C *sigh*.

Nothing to do but move on to Plan D.

What is Plan D? Now that's a good question. This is once again a time of change and opportunity. Plan D has not yet been defined. I do however know it contains these essential parts:

(a) moving into a cabin near the water at the end of the month
(b) attempting to get accepted into Graduate school for the fall
(c) enjoying what may turn out to be my last full time summer in Muskoka (so far I have enjoyed what may have been my last full time Muskoka summer 2x! on to round 3)

Should element (b) work out, I'll be in school full time for 2 more years, graduating at *gasp* 29 years old! And while I'll be poor, I may come out with offers/opportunities for said successful jobs, and still be able to purchase said house. Best of both worlds really.

So here's to Plan D!

Grown-up vs. Adult

2008-03-27T08:49:00.012-04:00

I am sure that one day I will be a real grown up. For now though...I'm a happy being only an adult.

The difference, and yes there is a difference, is subtle. Grown-up's are married, own houses or have children, or maybe as of yet they only have a dog (but as I see it dogs are practice children, some people don't like that, but from my experience, it goes: dog....baby). Adults on the other hand....I only classify myself as an adult due to the whole age thing (I mean 26, hardly a teenager) Suddenly no one will do stuff for you the way they used to. I had to buy my own car, and pay its insurance, and fix it when it breaks, and put gas in it, and cook my own food, and due my own laundry, do the dishes, clean the bathroom, change the light bulbs and toilet paper...you get it. But I'm not really tied to anything, house, kids, husband (boyfriend, significant other), dog or even fish...Theoretically, I can just gallivant off and do as I please, hence the subtle but significant difference between being an adult and a grown-up.

Seeing as the main difference is that no one depends on me to take care of them, financially, emotionally or otherwise, therefore as long as I make enough moola to cover my expenses I am able to spend or save the "extra" as I see fit. And what exactly am I spending these oodles of "extra" money on? (extra in quotations, because, who really has extra money laying around) Well possibly school...again. I know.

The Prof. I've been working for for almost 8 months, finally got his way and has convinced me it might be best to continue my education with a Master's degree. Master of Science. Now that would make me a real science geek wouldn't it. A Master science geek even.

None of this is set in stone, and a lot has to be done in a shortish period of time, but the ball is in motion for me to enroll at Trent University come September.

I'm equal parts excited and terrified, no make that 25% excited 75% terrified. Millions of "what if's" are flying through my head. None of which I'll post here, but it will make them more real. But the opportunity for a fresh start, a new city, new friends, new mentors, makes me smile inside. So I just may gallivant off to Peterborough, get a MSc. and put off becoming a grown-up for 2 more years.

"The Good Boy"

2008-03-05T14:50:00.009-05:00

The Right Wrong Boy

Or I suppose the Good Bad Boy.

That is what I think I'm looking for. Easy to find?

Nope.

See the problem is that I am attracted to the Wrong/Bad boy. ( I stubbornly refuse to call them men, at least until they start acting like men). I like to overly confident cocky type guys. You know those guys that walk the walk and talk the talk. I like to knock them down a few pegs (gently of course). In the way that makes them take notice, the guys that never had to work for girls and suddenly do. Think teenage romantic comedies where the popular quarterback falls for the slightly geeky but still cute unpopular girl (In this scenario that girl is me).

It's not that I don't like the "good boys". I just have never dated a "good boy." I think I may be too much for them. I used to be shy, almost painfully so. But now I've found that being shy doesn't get you what you want, what is does get you is a reputation for being aloof (fancy word for bitchy). So I'm overcoming/overcame it.

Maybe it's a late 20's thing, but I like science geeky self and refuse to be someone I'm not. And the person I am is sometimes loud, opinionated, and very well aware of what I want out of a relationship. By being "well aware" I mean as well as any single girl who's frightened of commitment is aware. Or well more accurately being abandoned after committing.

I happened to come across one such "good boy" in my travels, the other weekend. Unbelievably he is both single, and older then me. You know age starts becoming a problem, when one of your bestie's asks "And how old is this one?" The emphasis old. I could just see Kyfa cringing on the other end of the phone waiting for my standard reply of well, I think he's about....21, but you know a very mature 21. However now worries this time, this one will be turning 28 sometime this calender year.

He's cute, has a good job, has an apartment downtown, as in doesn't live with his parents (double standard I know, but seriously, both of us can't live with are parents!), he plays guitar (well) and get this, can solve Rubik's Cube puzzles. Seriously. I watched. Then I messed it up a little and tried to solve it myself. However in the process of "solving" the puzzle I muddled it up in a way that was seemingly hopeless. That is until I handed it over, and in about 5 minutes, he had all those frustrating little square of colour back on their respective sides.

It was this feat solely that cemented this crush. Therefore should we one day be married, I have a wonderful little anecdote for the wedding! The trick now is get this "good boy" to stiffen his back bone and ask me out!

This "good boy" does have drawbacks and they include.

(a) He lives downtown, as in TO. I currently live 2 hours from there. That can make casual dating difficult, as one of us has to drive 2 hour for said fictional dates.

(b) When I say "one of us" I mean me, as he doesn't own a car. (This however is perfectly acceptable in the metropolis of Toronto, so more of an annoyance, then a real drawback)
(c) I met him through a good friend. Warning Cynical thoughts: Should things progress to a certain point, but then fizzle or worse crash, I may have to run into him again. Seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, I don't really want another. On the other hand, seeing as I already have 2 exes I'm obligated to see, what's one more?
(d) He hasn't actually asked me out. (I have it on good authority, it's not because "He's just not that into me" as he told my friend's boyfriend that he was into me)

As it stands now, there is no immediate future plans to see him again. Our mutual friend, Shki, does not live close to either of us, but has promised to casually mention me when she does see him.

That Big Mountain Feeling

2008-02-11T15:23:00.008-05:00

I choose to be happy.

This has been my mandate for the year 2008. Sometimes this is remarkably easy to do. Other times, nearly impossible.

The entire premise is based upon the fact that we have the tendency to see the worst in people, expect the worse, and in general assume bad things are going to happen to you. Basically you end up sweating the small stuff that really there is no reason to worry about. I mean why worry about something that might not ever happen? Or why let a bad mood ruin an otherwise wonderful night with friends? I know I have. Once I’m down in the dumps it can be hard to get out of, it’s so horribly easy to dwell on the bad stuff and then let it snowball out in disproportionately gigantic, implausible "what ifs".

So instead I choose to not worry. To not dwell. To remove myself from situations, that makes that impossible. Take a deep breath and remember the feeling I had zooming down Big Mountain over my NYE holiday.

It all sounds so very Zen, and grown-up. I pat myself on the back at how responsible and enlightened I have become. Why to go Me!

And yet, I am not on speaking terms with one of my co-workers (I don't know why, but my iPod gets me through the day). I still choose the wrong men (sometimes I even choose the same wrong man repeatedly). I still dream incessantly that my real life will start any day now.

Maybe the first step is to realize I have control of how I feel on a day to day basis. Then you work on making decisions that allow to just be happy, not to have to choose to be happy.

However this new ablitly of mine. It really does work wonders. I smile a lot more. And who doesn't want to smile more?

Hindsight

2007-12-26T17:46:00.001-05:00

They say that hindsight is 20/20. And I think that they are right. As I look back on the year 2007, there are somethings I am not proud of. Things I don't like to even admit to myself. However there are good things too. This was a year of 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

I finally found that job I've been questing after to 3 years, only to be bored and frustrated by it at the moment (or maybe a little less the job and more the people, yeah its the people). It's also frustrating that said dream job does not quite pay a wage that would let me live in my own place own my car and from time to time go out for fun. So I am living in my childhood bedroom, in the town I worked so hard to get out of. More frustrating is that while my 2 of my good friends did move back to Canada one is in Calgary, and the other is in Toronto (who I can luckily usually see at least once a month), but my friends here in town, have suddenly it seems become grown-ups. All are married or engaged, and all have small children or have recently announced pregnancies. And all seem to forget that I have moved back to town regardless of the fact that I have been here for 8 months now. They throw dinner parties. And I can't help but wonder if I wouldn't be so easily forgotten if I was part of a couple.

Its a weird time of life to suddenly look around and notice I am the last single person I know. No more nights out with the girls, on the prowl for the next hot guy in your life. They've all found theirs. And now I have no wing-woman. I also live in Bala a lovely town of 500 where I've either known every guy here since we were two, or already dated them, or have dated their best friends. One of my resolutions is to start dating again...somehow. I may be enticed to try the whole internet dating thing. I know it seems desperate, but I know two couples who hooked up that way. But then again, while the thought of a serious relationship seems comforting one minute, makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic the next.

Maybe that's why relationships are things you enter into gradually. Well most people do...are at least I do. I like my independence. I like it a lot. I hate having to ask people for help. Hate Hate Hate. It might be more that I'm afraid of asking and getting 'No' for an answer. But I suppose, in the past, that was me asking the wrong person.

This year in 2008, many of my resolutions are repeats of last year (The one step back). And some are more forward thinking, like taking this job and making it work for me, so I can get THE job that allows me an appartment, my car, some savings and a little fun money - a single girl always deserves her fun money!

Forever Young

2007-12-19T22:05:00.001-05:00

I have found the secret to looking young forever!

Seeing as we are just entering the stage where you notice that you might, just might be getting older - but still far far away from old. I bet you want to know so you can rush out and get it right away.

Think Again.

Braces.

EE. That close up makes them look worse then they actually are.

There. That's not SO bad. But still, braces at 26.... Twenty-Six.

And its not like I didn't have them before, and I'm getting them now because I can finally afford it, and have always wanted them. Nope. I didn't wear my retainer long enough. 6 years apparently is NOT long enough....they actually mean forever.

Do they really expect you to wear them out of you teens. I already wear glasses, and if slipping into something more comfortable was glasses and a retainer...well lets just say I would likely remain single for a looong time.

Let all the children know the horror of getting braces re-cemented on you precious pearly-whites in your *gasp* late twenties.

Aside from the pain. And oh yes did they ever hurt, more this time then last I swear. No solid food for at least a week a month. Not to mention the fact that there's rough metal "bracelets" glued to the outside of your teeth, to say my lips/cheeks were irritated, would be a huge understatement. I didn't go anywhere without my trusty relief wax. (As if working in a science lab, being in 2 books clubs didn't qualify me as a geek already)

Until now, I've always liked looking younger then I am. But now the difference is a little too pronounced. I stay away from dating at the moment. I mean, I look like jail bait to the guys my age, and seriously, I didn't kiss boys the first time I had braces, so do I really want to see how that works out now?

Great White Winter

2007-12-03T19:56:00.002-05:00

I thought I'd remind you what winter in Muskoka really means:

I set my alarm 1/2 and hour early so I can look outside and decide exactly when I have to get up in order to have enough time to clean my car off and get to work. (That's 5:30am, and today, I should have gotten up then....). But I didn't. It didn't look so bad out, just about 10cms of snow...and whats 10cms of snow to a True Muskoka Girl? I go about my morning routine and get out to my car just almost 10mins early.

Plenty of time to clean the car off and get to the first stop on the car pool chain.

Nope.

Under that 10cms of snow was a good 1/2cm of ice. Strong thick ICE. The drivers door wouldn't open, so I had to crawl in from the back. Oh I was graceful, with my purse, my lunch, my travelling tea, and my by rapidly cooling toast with peanut butter.

I got my car turned on with the heat and rear defrost blasting, grabbed my snow brush and got ready to buckle down. Try as I might, I could not scrap that ice. The plastic edge of the scaper would bump along the ice, moving nothing. I figure I'm a strong Muskoka girl, this won't stop me, and I put a little muscle into it.

Mistake.

I may be strong, but my ice scraper is not. It broke. Useless piece of crap.

I run back into the house to get my Mom's key's to use her scraper. This time I know better then to break out SuperGirl. Luckily its been almost 10 mins and the heat from the inside is starting to work. After after about 10 more minutes, I feel like victory is mine. I can see out the front and back! I run my Mom's keys back into the house. Head back to the car only to realize...I hadn't scraped the side windows. After a valiant attempt, I clear the front windows, but give the rears up as a lost cause.

This is when my Dad shows up, scraps the passenger rear, and declares my car road worthy, but please he says, go the long way down the road so you don't have to make the illegal left, over a snow bank.

Fair Enough. Or so I thought.

My road was not yet plowed. And that baby hill just past my house, proved to be too much for my poor little Civic.

I was stuck.

Back and forth I rocked trying to get up that god damn hill. Each time a little closer. But never enough. Finally a snow plow coming the other way clears a one way path.

With some slipping and sliding I make may my way to the cleared road.

Finally, I'm on the highway, which was in surprisingly good shape, and I'm only about 20-25mins behind.

I'm quite tired of the snow already. It could stop snowing now. I'd be happy. But it is still snowing now. And it will still be snowing tonight and tomorrow, and what seems like til the end of time.

So now the Big question is: How much longer til spring?

This is when my Dad shows up, scraps the passenger rear, and declares my car road worthy, but please he says, go the long way down the road so you don't have to make the illegal left, over a snow bank.

Fair Enough. Or so I thought.

My road was not yet plowed. And that baby hill just past my house, proved to be too much for my poor little Civic.

I was stuck.

Back and forth I rocked trying to get up that god damn hill. Each time a little closer. But never enough. Finally a snow plow coming the other way clears a one way path.

With some slipping and sliding I make may my way to the cleared road.

Finally, I'm on the highway, which was in surprisingly good shape, and I'm only about 20-25mins behind.

Only.

So. I'm quite tired of the snow already. It could stop snowing now. I'd be happy. But it is still snowing now. And it will still be snowing tonight and tomorrow, and what seems like til the end of time.

So now the Big question is: How much longer til spring?

Ajusting

2007-10-15T21:54:00.001-04:00

mmmm. I thought i would have a lot to say once I found the the time to get back into my blogging routine. But now that I'm trying I realize that there is much to say, and I'm not sure of the words to say them with.

I've been absent mainly due to one person. My oldest friend made it back to Canada in the middle of August, and my time was willing monopolized by her while she was here, what little time I had that was not spent at either of my jobs or her was spent with her. We actually started joking that we were each other significant others (I'm not sure how that made her actual fiance feel...but as he was in Oz, he didn't get a say). People would ask me if she and I could come to dinner, and sometimes the answer was, ooooo , Monday...we're busy then, how about Tuesday?

Tomorrow she flies back to the other side of the world. Where she has a "flat", a fiance, a car, a job, and plans to have baby. Yep a baby. I'm not quite ready for her to have a baby. I need my friends to get married and then plan a baby. But she's having trouble planning a wedding, from the other side of the world, for people from Canada and Scotland. So since they are not planning a wedding they've decided to have a baby. Because otherwise they'd be just be living and working in Oz. (What do they think the rest of us are doing?) No matter where you are everyone is living and working. So I'm adjusting. My girl will likely be having a baby sometime in the next year, and doing it in Oz. Where I won't be able to see her belly grow, feel the baby move, see her glow, or the baby when he/she arrives. I'm adjusting. There's pictures and email, and blogs, and web cams, and the old fashioned telephone.

So I'm adjusting. I'm going to miss her, a lot. I already do.

... in 27 Days.

2007-08-28T21:19:00.002-04:00

Another birthday. Another year older. Makes you wonder and reflect on things of the past. there are so many things that I wish I didn't do, and so many things I wish I did. But I don't know if changing what I did in the past would change what is now. I don't know that I would want to change what is now.

At times I am happier then I've ever been. At times I still can still feel so lonely. I think that's true probably of everyone. We cycle.

At least I know I still look good. Not one of those over the hill 26 year olds.

And how do I know that?

Well.

The other night I was watching a sunset alone by the falls. When this young kid asks why I am all alone. When I tell him I'm watching the sunset he asks if he may join me. I say yes, because it would be rude not too, and he sits. He then asks me how old I am, to which I respond 25 (as this was just before my birthday). A kind of stricken look crosses his face. Then he tells me that he will be 17 in 27 days.

17 in 27 days...

Nice too know I still look young enough for 16 year olds to hit on...just wait until I get braces sometime in September. All the high school boys will be after me ;)

Unbelievably Busy

2007-08-06T12:06:00.001-04:00

I very quickly went from working almost 30 hours a week to 50+ hours a week. And when you add in, almost 15 hours a week in commuting...it doesn't leave a lot of extra time for fun, or anything else, such as laundry or washing out the inside of my car (FYI, when temperatures soar into the 30's random cans of pop can explode when left in the back seat).

I kind of miss my more active social life. I have a lot of nights in now, or at least very early nights. I find getting up at 6 am every day makes me incredibly tired by 10pm (if not earlier). But I'm also kind of looking forward to settling into fall with a more constant routine. How boring does that sound?

I'm also kind of dreading the fall because of the utter lack of social life they will leave me. Most everyone I know will be heading back to the city and staying there. Leaving me here living with my Mom and Dad. And just a few other friends my age...all of whom are married, and most have children. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But the thing with my married friends is that they really like to know what goes on in a single girls life...and when nothing is going on, they like to take it upon themselves to set me up with any single men they know. So seeing as nothing is going on these days (as the only people I seem to hang out with are married, I haven't been meeting over many single men on my own). So sometime soon I am being introduced to some guy.

Obviously things with Crush #1 and #2 aren't progressing. I have a bad feeling that #1 is staying with the gf. And I couldn't believe how sad that made me...my first crush in 2 years. However things have been getting more flirty with #2. Every time we work together the tension is there. But he will be leaving to go back to school in a few weeks. And that will be then end of that.

Oh Muskoka in the fall. At the very least it will be an experience. One I haven't had in 8 years.

Very Exciting News

2007-07-19T20:30:00.001-04:00

I get home from work on Monday night and I find this message:

What could it be I wonder?

Obviously not a marriage (note the bracketed addition). And for the last single girl this is good news. My ever helpful friend that finds the message with me, suggests perhaps someone is announcing a pregnancy.

Yes I think that is what it must be. A new baby.

But nope.

It was something better.

It was a job. Yes that's right.

I got a call about a job, and in the last 3 days have gone in for an interview and have accepted a position.

I am a Field Research Assistant, working for a Graduate Student from York University, on an invasive macro-invertebrate predator. Mostly we are working on it's ability to travel between lakes and spread.

Its call the spiny water flea and it is a nasty little creature that is the biggest threat to aquatic diversity since the Acid Rain issue.

I start Monday at 8am (ouch early, and a little over an hour away, at the Dorset Environmental Science Centre) until 4. Unfortunately it doesn't pay much, so I will continue working my serving job. I have already spoken to my boss, and she's very happy for me and is going to arrange my schedule so I can do both!

I have the contract to December.

My foot is in the door, and I am very excited to finally be doing something with my degree. I feel I can finally sit back a little and relax.

The worlds biggest smile is on my face!

The Other Crush.

2007-07-18T12:11:00.002-04:00

As if my life isn't difficult enough by having a crush on a guy with a girlfriend. And I mean real butterflies crush. That I thought it would be best to if I add another crush to my life in the form of a guy I work with. (And by work with I mean he's one of pretty much only 3 servers at my work).

Oh dear.

Add the fact that today is his birthday and he's turning the ripe old age of 21, well you see what I mean.

How did this happen?

I had this kind of pseudo crush on him for awhile. Nothing major just this cute guy I work with. And then Monday night happened.

On Mondays there's this thing called resort night, at the Kee where loads of young people drink too much and dance. So we were dancing, and then we were dancing alone, and then we kissed, and then we were making out.

That's right making out, on the dance floor for everyone to see.

Only I don't know if anyone did see...that is the question. How secret was this little rendezvous? I suppose only time will tell.

The Crush.

2007-07-17T14:36:00.002-04:00

See we would make beautiful blue eyed babies...*sigh*

New Beginings...opps maybe not.

2007-07-14T12:54:00.001-04:00

Lucky for us the Tragically Hip played a second concert at the Kee the very next night. I did not have tickets to this show but had to work. At first this was going to be great, we have an outside patio that kind of overlooks the Kee's patio, and therefore the music from the Kee is clearly overheard. The plan was to have a patio party. People who didn't have tickets could come, eat drink and be merry while listening to the Hip. I thought this was a great idea as I could also listen to the Hip...however this didn't happen. Instead I got off a little early and heard the last half of the concert from my backyard.

The fun however really started when I boarded the bus going back to my friends cottage to party with those who had been to the concert that night. Needless to say for the most part, everyone was sideways drunk...and I mean sideways.

The party was basically a bonfire. What I remember of this bonfire was that is was extremely hot, but that if you stepped away from it you needed extra clothing.

All night, for reasons known only to her, AC kept talking me up to her husbands younger cousin, who I have know for about 7 years but until that night never really saw. He was always just that much younger then the group I was with. However it turns out he's only 2 years younger then me (which by this time is really the same age right?). And is graduating with his MBA this month from a Uni in the US. mmm.

Through into the mix that he's incredibly good looking, and I was, and still am hooked.

I did something that night that was highly uncharacteristic of myself, but I have no regrets. As the night was ending I pulled him down a little pathway in the woods were we did a little kissing.

It was great.

Its been so long since I've really wanted to kiss someone.

But here's the catch. He apparently has a gf. *ouch* although I believe she lives in the US, and therefore seeing as he's moving back here, that relationship may coming to an end. And my good friend AC has assured me that at best she's a 'meh' gf. For whatever that means.

So now I have a raging crush. Something I haven't felt in about 2 years when C and I were first hooking up, and I can't really do anything about it, as it makes me feel guilty.

I will just have to play it by ear. If it's meant to be it will be.

Oh Dear...

2007-07-08T15:11:00.001-04:00

Things may have been getting out of control this past week. And by may, read absolutely.

First things first last weekend was the Canada Day long weekend, which aside from a few extra hours at work was a pretty typical weekend. However, this was the weekend that never ended. My two days off this week fell on Tuesday/Wednesday, and The Tragically Hip played at the Kee in my tiny town of Bala, on Wednesday/Thursday nights. Add that to the fact that summer in Muskoka officially starts the week after the long weekend, and you have plenty of tourists, cottagers and locals all drinking to celebrate history in the making!

Due to the fact that the Kee only holds about 1000 people ticket sales were crazy both shows were sold out in about 10 minutes, only 4 days after the shows were announced, and you could only purchase 4 tickets maximum, tickets were a hot commodity. And I had 4 to the Wednesday night show. At the time of purchase I had 2 confirmed friends (SK and RR) plus myself so I went ahead and bought 4, not worrying about selling the extra.

As the concert got closer my 4th ticket was spoken for by AC another good friend of mine, and so we had a girls night all arranged. I was a little nervous, as all 3 of these lovely ladies are really good friends of mine, yet had never met each other, as I had met them all in different places. Turns out I had nothing to worry about AC and RR hit it off with each other and with the other people who turned up at my place for the pre-party. The only sore spot is the SK, never turned up. No phone call, no email.

I still haven't heard from her. And I'm rotating through feelings of anger to worry and back again. She has been unreliable for a long time, but has always at least cancelled, and never just not show up.

Back to the drama of the evening.

We finally get into the concert and it was amazing...or at least I know I had a great time, and they played Wheat Kings, a song I've been waiting 3 concerts to hear, as for what else they played....I have no idea, a little too much vodka, followed by too much beer.

I lost RR about 15mins into the show only to find her at the very end of the concert.

I ran into J, who had spent the first half of the evening telling my friends that he knew it was over between us, only beg RR to try to change my mind at the end of the night, and since I've had repeated text messages, telling my I'm beautiful, and we should have a pic-nic. When I first heard what he had said I was pumped that this relationship could possibly just fade away, and no break-up scene would be necessary. But now I'm thinking I'm going to have to suck it up, be an adult and actually break-up with my non-boyfriend.

I can't really say why I want out but I do. The whole thing just ran its course. Its been 4 months and I feel I never really got to know him, and that he never really got to know me. The butterflies were gone a long time ago. And the real kicker was that sometimes I felt more lonely with him than I do when I'm alone.

At the end of the concert, RR and I got some hot dogs, took them up to my place and settled into a very long and very deep conversation. She's been away for almost two years now and hadn't heard the whole break-up story between C and I. And seeing as she was the only friend of mine who knew him (she introduced us) it was sad but good to finally discuss those feelings that I had set aside for a year and tried to forget. It was such a great conversation we stayed together in the sun porch instead of sleeping in separate rooms. I love those conversations.

RR and AC

Me and one those Coors Lights that just kept appearing in my hands.

My Brother and his buddies rocking out! (RH is in the grey T.)

This was fairly discombobulated, and disorganized, and the real out of control events were still to come the next night...I've been on detox, since then I promise...

This Year's Girl

2007-06-21T13:07:00.002-04:00

I can hardly fathom that it has been a month since I've posted. I have no real excuse other then the weather has hot and sunny and the dock calls my name every time I have some time to kill, and even then seeing as I own a laptop and have wireless internet, I could bring my computer down to the dock with me and be productive whist I tan. However I apparently don't want to! I just want to lay there and read or at most think about life and the mistakes I've made and what I can to learn from those. And how I can move forward again and stop this backward tailspin I've been in. I haven't yet discovered any easy answers. That because there are no easy answers there never has been easy answers and the older I get the less easy answers there seem to be.

I give into temptation a lot. A lot, a lot. And after I don't even feel all that guilty. Maybe I should. It used to be easy knowing what was right from what was wrong, but now the lines are blurry. Less black and white and way more grey. Although there are some things that I know are defiantly in the black category...

I am doing a very positive work related event tomorrow. My long time neighbour Mrs. A is taking me with her to the Muskoka Watershed Council meeting. I'll get to meet and greet with a lot of important people in Muskoka where the environment is concerned, and maybe just maybe a job or even a summer volunteer position may come out it. And that would be HUGE step forward. I may still live at home, and I may still have to serve to pay for my new car.

But at least I'll feel like I'm being productive.

I'm also taking a big step with J this weekend. We're going camping. I know that doesn't sound huge. But my good friend SK and her fiance just broke up (its okay, 3 of the 5 bridesmaids hated him...and I didn't know the other 2 well enough to ask their real feelings). And she and her new bf (yes its very quick, but that's my girl SK!) And it was just going to be me, SK, her new beau, and SK's little bro MK, who has had a hopeless crush on me for years. So I thought it time to bring J out into the world with me.

Gives me butterflies.

Again with the stupidness...

2007-05-28T10:26:00.001-04:00

I suppose the only real excuse I have is I am lonely. And when I say lonely its a full on deeply felt sense that I am alone. A lot if it is proximity. Most/all of my best girls live not all that close to me (Oz, Calgary, Terrace, Peterborough, and Toronto (soon!!)) So my nights of feeling like I belong are pretty damn limited. Being home is kind of helping, I do feel I belong with my family, but there is a huge adjustment period as I am so used to being alone, its hard to just become on of 5 people in the house.

Then of course there is J. And I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. I'm just not falling. It's not happening. I can't tell you why. B/c as always life would be so much easier if you could instruct your heart to love (or not to love as the case may be) certain people. Alas its just not working. I can not say for sure whether or not I think J is falling for me. I don't want to ask any of those kinds of questions for fear of answering them myself. I do like the attention. I like someone calling to see what I'm up to. To invite me over, for dinner, movies, or just to be together. But I'm not connecting. So is it fair to keep going just to stave off the loneliness for an evening?

And then there's always S. I used to think woman like me were stupid and weak, waiting for something that may never be there. Maybe wasn't really there ever, maybe I'm remembering it wrong. And maybe its b/c I'm lonely, and we can have conversations about real things, the things I've been craving conversations about. So I'm not waiting I'm dating. And yet when I see them together, or hear him talk about her or anyone talk about them my stomach get tied in knots. For one year it worked, I met and fell for C. It was hard letting him in but I did and I was able to finally picture a different future for myself. But the same things aren't happening with J. I think that maybe I need to be selfish right now. Keep things light so that should this magic dream job ever come, I'll be able to move to some new place guilt free. I don't want to break hearts anymore then have my broken. But when to draw the line?

I feel like I'm going in circles. Always in circles...that's is if not backwards. The whole living at home, working for my old boss.

. . . These Are The Day's Of My Life.

2007-05-10T18:25:00.001-04:00

The decision has been made. I'm moving home. *sigh*

Sometimes this makes me feel like a big huge failure. 25 years old moving back in with my parents and little bother and sister. I haven't lived there since I was 18. I have to keep taking deep breaths in order to stave off the waves of panic.

What sealed my fate...two things really. The first being nothing came of my Windsor interview. The second being that as I walked around handing out resumes for a serving job I had to hold back tears. Literally.

I decided its time to regroup and refocus. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I mean other people seem to be able to get jobs. I've applied to almost 40 jobs in the last 2 months, and I've gotten two interviews...and you know I really thought I might have gotten that last one, because I did not want to move to Windsor. What kind of stupid logic is that? I finally get the job I've been looking for for 3 years and but only if its in a place I didn't really want to move to.

One more bonus about the move home is that my next door neighbour is a Councillor for the District of Muskoka and is looking into jobs/volunteer opportunities for me n the area. I am a little late for the job stuff...most summer positions hire in March, but you never know...I'm going to try to be cautiously optimistic.

I'm also going to be cautiously optimistic with Mr. Muskoka. Who will for now on be known by name. Jason. Or more commonly Jay...so the short from of J, is just so handy! There are still things I worry about, and there wasn't/still isn't any Zsa Zsa Zu. But there's something. I'm not sure what, maybe it won't be enough, maybe I'll run away like I've done before, or maybe I'll give it my all, and still get my heart broken like I've done before. But I won't know if I don't try. I've survived the heart break, and I know I won't survive the loneliness that comes with not trying.

And so I pack my car and look to future.

Easiest $2 I ever made...

2007-04-25T11:45:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was sunny and warm and having looked at the weather forecast I knew it wasn't going to last. So I grabbed my book and headed to park down the street where I lay in the grass and enjoyed the smells, sights and sounds of the approaching summer.

Suddenly a young boy plopped his backpack and self down next to me, and began asking me a number of questions, along the lines of what are you reading, isn't it boring, like the weather?

Then just as suddenly he jumps up and leaves.

As he's running away I hear him call to his buddies it was the easiest $2 he ever made!

I am now apparently the lady little boys bet their friends to go up and talk to. How crazy is that!

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass...

2007-04-16T18:07:00.001-04:00

I often like to think of my life as a soap, and lately it really has been. It has everything necessary to make for a good soap....well maybe not a real soap, I'm not planning any murders nor am I pregnant with a baby with a less then certain paternity.

I have however amped up the boy drama, purchased a new car, only to loose my job 4 days later, and now must make the touch decision of whether to move home and get a new serving job, or stay in the city and get a new serving job. Or maybe just maybe, I'll get the job I just interviewed for yesterday and the decision will be made for me. Option number 3 is obviously my first choice... but I just can't figure out whether one or two would be better. Seeing as the idea of starting a new serving job makes my skin crawl...but I gots bills. Got to pay for my shiny new car!

Speaking of which. I am now the proud owner of a Brand-new-to-me 2000 Honda Civic Ex. But the important part is that it's Green and shiny and it doesn't leak gas, or oil and it tells me how fast I'm going...what a novel idea! It also came with nifty little device that allows me to lock and unlock the doors with the push of a button!

As for the boy drama. I'm down to one boy. Mr. Fashion has been given the boot, or well I think he just kind of got the hint. So it's just me and Mr. Muskoka now. And I have to say I'm starting to freak out.

I definitely do not want to be tied down, and well boyfriends do that. The job interview I went on was in Windsor, which is about 3 hours from where I live here, and consequently about 6 from Muskoka. He wasn't all to happy to hear that I may be moving that far away.

I have now complicated things by sleeping with him. I feel like such a guy. I want something kind of light and casual, but not promiscuous. I have enough on my mind worrying just about me, let alone adding someone else to the mix. But now I have. I'm worried he may be falling for me. At this moment I'm not falling for him...but it doesn't mean I won't but that possibility exists. Or maybe I'm totally overreacting. Believe me it wouldn't be the first time.

Ranting and Raving

2007-04-12T22:15:00.001-04:00

Went grocery shopping today. I hate grocery shopping. It seems and odd thing to hate doesn't it. Not one of those more often hated household chores like laundry, or dishes or cleaning the bathroom (none of which by the way to I really like either).

I used to like grocery shopping. I'd always by myself some kind of little treat, cookies, or fancy cheese. And lets face it. I love to eat therefore the place where I buy the food that allows me to eat delicious meals well c'mon, should be a fun place to go. Not anymore.

I think this is due to my status as a single woman living alone (the living alone thing more so then the single thing). Add this to the fact that my refrigeration unit is about 1.5' x 3'. and the teeny tiny freezer inside this "fridge" is literally about 4" x 8", well I can't freeze much more then 4 chicken breasts at a time.

So storage is clearly a problem...

But then one would think that I could just buy less, and therefore storage would not be such a problem.

Yes, one would think.

Clearly the grocery store folks are thinking of families more so then single women. You can't buy small portions of much. I can't eat carrots, celery or lettuce fast enough. I end up throwing out at least half. And today I got so angry in the dairy isle trying to buy eggs. A dozen eggs is a lot of eggs, for just one girl, so I try to buy them by the half dozen or 8. However today I bought the dozen because for God knows why the half dozen eggs were only $0.30 cheaper then the dozen.

How does that make any sense at all?

Oh and! Since I'm going home for the weekend I only bought the essentials, as in, milk, bread, margarine, eggs, and tomatoes and I got 4 plastic bags. That's right 4 bags for 5 items. Usually I bring my own bags, being environmentally inclined. Bah!

So now I have a dozen eggs...I guess I'll have to have someone over for breakfast, now where will I ever find a breakfast partner?

On a happier note. I also went to Zellers and got lots of 1/2 price Easter chocolate....so much that now my tummy hurts a little, so maybe not that much of a happier note. Gonna get some tea...tea always helps.

The P Word

2007-04-07T15:01:00.001-04:00

I got the P word again last night.

What P word you ask?

Perfect.

As in You're "Perfect."

One might think that a girl would like to hear that. But one would be wrong. I've heard this before and let me tell you "Perfect" is hard to live up and definitely not me. Especially not when I'm not entirely sure that I want a relationship, or as my one male friend stated, stringing along two guys. (Which by the way I take a little exception to, I'm not stringing anyone along...no one has said anything about exclusivity!)

But as of last night Mr. Muskoka called me "perfect".

Uh Oh, is this the line that isn't supposed to be crossed when dating more then one person?Granted, Mr. Muskoka is pulling into the lead. I haven't seen Mr. Fashion in 2 weeks, although we did talk this week, and plan to hook up next week sometime.

Ahh the trials and tribulations of real life dating.

What am I talking about....this is fun! Except for the "perfect" part...something is going to have to be done about that.

One more thing!

2007-04-04T13:47:00.001-04:00

How could I have possibly forgotten!

One more slip. I was at the dentist last week where we discussed how to straighten my front tooth that has turned as I haven't been wearing my retainer. Apparently yes you do need to wear them FOREVER in order to ensure the results of the braces I wore at 12.

So my Mom thought that this new type of retainer would be move my teeth around. But no, apparently not. The Dr. believes the only way to straighten it out, will be with a second round of braces....that's right Braces again, at 25!

Oh My God!

As it is no one believes that I'm 25, apparently I look more like 20 to 21. Which really I'm Okay with, however, with braces....average age of 18? That's really going to put a damper on the love life.

And speaking of Love Life, back when I was 12 I didn't have to worry about kissing or lets say other delicate parts that may come in contact with my mouth full of metal.

hmmm.

At least Mr. Muskoka said he'd still kiss me even if I had braces. *sigh*

and the upswing hits a wall...

2007-04-04T00:26:00.002-04:00

My last few weeks have been amazing. Dating two boys, getting job interview, and I bought a car! That's right! I am the proud owner of a Brand-New-To-Me 2000 Honda Civic EX. Its a beautiful Emerald Green colour. And I get to take her home Saturday! I'll shed a tear for the Neon, but well there was a reason that I needed to buy a new car. And I know me and the Civic are going to have many more good times.

I was also able to finance the whole thing all on my own. My loving parents were going to co-sign if I'd needed, but me and $7 and hour job pulled through, I am so grown up!

And then the wall.

Today I get a call from S. And oh I don't need to go to work tomorrow afternoon, because the restaurant has gone into receivership and the doors have been locked.

That's right I buy a new car on Friday and then on Tuesday I loose my job.

You know when you want a hug and to snuggle up so you can feel better. Well that's the downside of just dating two guys at the same time....I don't yet have the please-come-over-right-away-and-make-me-feel-better-with-a-glass-of-wine-and-a-head-rub privileges of a real full-time girlfriend.

So instead I kicked some ass on the soccer pitch.

This maybe temporary. The restaurant may be bought tomorrow, or Thursday, or next week. And in that case, all will be well. However, if it takes longer, the bills will be starting to gather. I'm not saying I'm destitute..I've always been a saver. But seriously, the last thing I want to be doing is looking for a new serving job....bah!

So as always the tough questions, find a new job and stay in the city? Go home for the summer, and work up there? Will there be a home up there, (house is listed, and had first walk through last week)?

Ultimately the best option would be to get a real job! So world! Real my resume, have me in for an interview and then HIRE ME!!!

Green Thai Curry Chicken

2007-03-31T13:53:00.003-04:00

Green Thai Curry Chicken. The dinner Mr. Muskoka promised to make me my next trip home.

He did and it was delicious! I drove out his place where there was wine, and all the ingredients lined up waiting for me to arrive. I drank he cooked, I did help with some chopping, oh and I take full credit for the rice! (I am such the talented chef!!)

We had some of the cheesey moments that occur, you know a certain song comes on, and he spun me around the Kitchen. I have to say I loved it.

Then there was the small town oddities that always arise. Seeing as I haven't lived full time in a small town for awhile I totally forget how things are.

After the sledding trip I saw Mr. Muskoka's Mom before I left, who then saw my Mom at the Dentist office, and mentioned that her son had taken me out. So much for trying to keep a low profile. Also his cousin lived with my ex BF when we first started dating. Which his other cousin promptly told him.

I don't think it was too awkward for him. I don't know if he ever met C. It is possible. I know he'd been up to Muskoka...hmmm.

Anyway the rest of the evening was wonderful. We ate and talked. And then we moved over to the couch.

Thats when the fun really began. I left around 2am. But wow did I want to stay over. But I've never been that girl and will likely never be, also it is difficult as my parents kind of expect me to be home.

So this weekend I'll be seeing him again. Going fishing. Apparently he knows a place where we can catch some lunkers...I'll believe it when I see it, because thus far in my life, I've only caught Rock Bass about as big as my hand.

As for Mr. Fashion we haven't spoken in a week. Maybe that ran its course...I'm not sure. But I know Muskoka is pulling ahead.

Hard to Hear

2007-03-28T14:56:00.001-04:00

I called Terrapex yesterday to see how the hiring process was coming along. And found out that they had hired someone else.

Grr that sucks.

I still haven't heard from the Peterborough job. I'm thinking its not looking that good either. I will call them again (for the 3rd time) later this week to see whats up. That interview was so long ago, but they told me they would get back to me either way, and when I have contacted them they've always said no decisions have been made and that we haven't forgotten about you. Thanks for your persistent interest in our company.

So when does persistent become annoying? That's a line I definitely do not want to cross.

Adulthood.

Why were we in such a rush to grow up when we were young and our biggest worry was that Mom would make us eat our vegetables and brush our teeth?

I promise I'll eat my veggies and brush my teeth if I can stop worrying about rent, cars, boyfriends, bills, and jobs.

Easy to Catch Hard to Keep

2007-03-26T14:07:00.001-04:00

Hmmmm.

Dating two boys at the same time can be a little stressful.

Trying to see both of them equally. Which is incredibly hard when one of them lives two hours away.

Things with Fashion have been moving along, and yet not moving along. I spent most of last night hanging out at his place. We watched a movie and snuggled on the couch, but we have yet to really kiss each other.

Seriously though the goatee its a little bit scratchy. How do you deal with that with someone you don't know all that well, and it does look kind of cute. Its a tough spot.

Sunday was also the infamous 3rd date. Now I don't know that it works in reality that the 3rd date is the traditional night that you sleep together. I was however invited to stay the night.

I declined.

Here's where I get all girly and worried about feelings and maybe I'm not as into him as he is to me. He called yesterday morning just to say hey and that he had a good time the other night. He called this morning to say he was able to rent the movie we had originally planned to watch on Sunday but it was out.

I didn't answer.

So maybe I'm not acting girly, but guy-y.

I will call him back later today. He wanted to get together after my soccer game...but then there's me thinking, I've already seen you 3 times this week. Back off give me a little time to adjust.

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me? I spend a lot of nights alone in bed wishing for that connection. And here's a guy, a nice cute guy and me making excuses not to see him.

Maybe I don't want things to go to far with Fashion while I'm waiting to see what could happen with Muskoka?

Mr. Muskoka and I have a date this Friday night. Maybe this will help to settle my mind.

Playing the Field

2007-03-20T15:01:00.001-04:00

Ahh my weekend off.

Seeing as my work mostly sucks, especially with the drama that is constantly going on. I needed a weekend off to relax and be with real friends who I can be myself with. Not people that I have to hid part of myself from. So I begged and pulled some strings and got Saturday night and Sunday off. (Don't you love the fact that a weekend off for me is Saturday night and Sunday?)

Originally I was going to go to Peterborough, and celebrate St. Pats and a girlfriends 25th birthday. But plans changed, and I headed North to Muskoka. Where my weekend took an unexpected but very fun twist.

The evening started out with the Leafs game and a few beers at a friends place and eventually to the Pub. It was a great night full of my Muskoka friends a lots of beers. To top it off its Muskoka in the winter and therefore there was a total of 5 girls in the bar with ohh lets say 20 guys...and me being the only single lady...well here's the story.

Around Christmas I was at this same pub with some friends of mine when I had an unexpected connection with a guy there that nothing really came of as I headed back to the city and haven't seen him since then, until last Saturday night.

Many beers were drank friends were caught up with. Then before I knew it, it was almost 3am and we were being kicked out of the bar, they actually turned the lights out on us. And that's when things got interesting. Me, and Mr. Muskoka were pashing in the dark in a pub I used to manage!

The next day he gave me a call and out we went on his sled. He meant to take me to these ice caves on Rosseau, but being how late in the year it was the ice caves were kind of melted.We hit all the big lakes, Joe, Rosseau, Muskoka, up to Bass Lake for a drink.

Then we stopped on a sunny point got off then sled and kissed a little more. Nothing like doing a little kissing lying on a snow bank bundled up in all your snow gear!

So now...I'm apparently dating two guys? How did this happen? Again I'm just going to go with it. Mr. Muskoka clearly lives in Muskoka, and is the kind of guy who can build anything, and is currently building a home for himself. He can cook and wants to cook me dinner next time I'm up North. I've known him my whole life, but never really knew him.

Mr. Fashion on the other hand is a total city boy. And can show me things I've never seen.

I'll just see where it all goes. Who knows. The decision may not necessarily be as hard as I think. We shall see and for now. I'm playing the field!

Out of the Blue

2007-03-16T23:37:00.001-04:00

Wednesday began as every Wednesday does. And then all of a sudden it was different. Clearly a guy is involved.

A guy came in as he does from time to time, and we got to talking as I do. When out of the blue he asks me to go with him to a fashion show the next night. I was intrigued and free so I agreed.

The next day he calls to firm up plans, and I was thinking I'd take the bus downtown and meet him somewhere as I knew he was going to be there all afternoon, but no he was coming to pick me up (plus 1). I had a great time getting ready as I get to dress up, 4" heels, sleeveless top, fancy make-up, french manicure, new purse new jacket...(not especially for this occasion but in general).

I get in his car and we go downtown to a club. And when I say club this is not a club like I've been to before. Its fancy. There's drapes up on the door, obviously a cat walk, that kind of music I can only describe as club music, no words, but not house either, more mellow then that. Some of the people are dressed crazy, other just look amazing.

True to fashion show form, the 10pm start was just after 11pm, (I say that like I know). So we lounged on a couch, and chatted about this and that. It was good. I was catching that vibe that was missing when I was out with Mr. Valentine. Lots of touching, on the knee, shoulder, hand. Lots of laughing.

But some of the things he was saying was making me very curious. He went to the University Guelph, and seeing as I lived in Guelph for a year we talked about places there ...some of the places I knew, weren't there when he was, and ones he knew were gone by the time I was. He owns a house in Burlington. Had lived downtown for 6 years but felt it was time for a change...mmm I said to myself...how old is he?

33.

How old is too old?

Is 33 too old for me? Being 25. That's 8 years, are we really at the same page in our lives? What if he's really looking to settle down? Is that something I want now? What will my parents think? his parents? How would our friends get along? What could we really have in common, me just starting out, him settling in?

Then I said. STOP. Its just one date. We're having fun, I don't need to plan my life right now. We'll go out until on of us decides to move on. Too much thinking makes me crazy! I can cross any and all of those bridges when I come to them.

After the fashion show (which was men's clothes with a few token girls in bikini's thrown in for good measure). He drove me home. As it was after midnight and he lives almost an hour from downtown not to mention the detour to Brampton to drop me off.

So he dropped me off, but didn't walk me to the door (minus 1) but did kiss me good night (plus 1). Oh yes I kissed a boy...well man. Ohmigod I kissed my first man! He has a goatee, which I'm not too sure I like the feel of kissing, but not sure I don't either (no points scored). We're going out again next Thursday,(plus 1) a more conventional date (dinner) and he said he'd call be in between just to chat (plus 1).

All around, I have the warm fuzzies.

And I shall name him Mr. Fashion.

Birthday Wishes

2007-03-11T18:23:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to Tamara!

I love you!

Waiting Game

2007-03-09T23:06:00.001-05:00

My interview at Terrapex went well I think. It is hard to tell sometimes though.

I should hear in about 2 weeks.

Keep your fingers, toes, eyes, knees and ankles crossed for me!

Goodbye and Hello

2007-03-08T20:42:00.001-05:00

Mr. Torn Groin showed up Wednesday night with his girlfriend.

She was there once before, but didn't stay. So I was hoping she was less of a girlfriend and more of a date...and then she was back. So I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe he's not really available. Damn.

Takes some of the fun out of my Wednesday nights...

However I've added a new crush to my list. Let me introduce Mr. Museum.

He is the Director of Education at the ROM. And he's Hot!

Seriously though he's probably too old for me, but maybe not, how old is too old? He could very possibly be married. I haven't been able to scope out the ring finger yet. Do you realize that every guy I meet now could very possibly be married? I have discovered this to my dismay. From time to time I've met a cute guy and then BAM right there in my face, wedding ring.

I guess now that I'm old I've got to be looking for this kind of thing...wedding rings and girlfriends.

What happened to the days when all the boys were single and hot?

Terrapex

2007-03-06T19:20:00.001-05:00

Terrapex.

This is an environmental consulting firm that wants to interview me tomorrow morning for one of two positions, right here in Toronto!

Wish me luck.

A Day With My City

2007-03-02T22:16:00.001-05:00

Ahh...Toronto.

I have been living here for over a year now. While I'm not exactly downtown, I'm less then half and hour away. Unfortunately I don't often take advantage of this fact, But on Friday I did.

For the first time in months I had Friday evening off, and as my original attempts to get out with friends for the night failed, I entertained myself with the help of my ever surprising Capital.

I started out as a bitter city gal, as I had to kick my way out of my apartment, due to the freezing rain/snow storm we'd had the night before that my landlord had yet to shovel (he still has yet to shovel), got a soaker while attacking the 1cm thick layer of ice on my car and then missed my bus downtown by mere seconds...

Seeing as I then had a half hour to kill I went to Tim's and got a tea, a begal, took a breath and decided to start the day over, and miraculously it became one of those days that make you smile.

Due to the freezing rain/snow storm of Thursday, it was especially quite at the Royal Ontario Museum as the school groups had canceled their trips. I was released from my volunteering duties to go and try out our new Audio Tour devices and tour the rest of the museum. There is something incredibly tranquil about wandering an almost empty museum seeing things I've seen a hundred times but learning new details of their importance to the past.

Leaving the ROM feeling very mature and in charge I went on my quest to find Mighty Leaf Tea, which T had given glowing reviews of, and a particular clothing store, both were in walking distance of the ROM so I started out.

The Tea was in the most amazing grocery store I have ever been too. I wandered around touching tasting and just generally in awe of all the yummy goodies to be had. This wasn't a typical grocery store at all. There was no Presidents Choice, no Kellogg's. Just isle after isle of yummies. Clearly, I would not be able to do my day to day shopping, as the prices were out of my range. I did however treat myself to an $8 wedge of cheese.

I then wandered to American Apparel, where I bought this bikini - oh and if you were wondering yes that is me modeling it.....I had not bought a new bikini 3 years, and decided I deserved it. Summer is coming, and seeing as I live in my bikini's...the more I have the better I think.
Feeling quite the city girl I then sauntered down the street, looking in windows and just feeling all shiny. I walked by a cute man and actually winked at him. Yes that's right I winked at a strange man, strange, but hot. As I'm addicted to shoes, and who isn't, I went into Brown's Shoes and low and behold there they were.

Manolo Blahniks.

All $798 worth. And I was able to pick them up!!! As a shoe junkie, yes my heart did beat a little faster, as this is the first and only pair of Manolo's I have ever seen in real life. *drool* Some of you may recognize these shoes from such shows as Sex and the City. The episode where these buatiful babis get stolen from a Baby Shower, and Carrie registers for them for her celebrating herself occasion.

Again clearly, they were out of my price range. Maybe one day. *sigh*

I then bought a big Cinnabon, hopped on the train back to my little basement apartment were I enjoyed a glass of wine, and well, most of my $8 wedge of cheese.

What a Friday.

Gimp

2007-02-28T10:50:00.002-05:00

Last night was my regular soccer night out.

I've been pretty proud of myself for not getting any injuries such as bruises in the last few weeks...I get so many bruises.

However last night I got kicked in the ankle. It hurt, that kind of vibrating hurt that stays with you for a while. But seeing as my team only had two girls last night, and we're required to have 2 girls on the pitch at all times, I kept on playing. Honestly it didn't feel bad. Just that bit of vibration, but I could rotate the ankle all around with no pain. So I finished the game and thought nothing of it.

This morning.

Before I was even up, my ankle was hurting. Enough that it kept waking me as I moved in my sleep. So now I'm all limping and looking at my regular 10 hour Wednesday night shift. hmmm.

I want to work. Wednesdays are my favourite shift...for cute boy reasons and money reasons.

So instead of going to the Laundromat I'm going to rest my ankle before work. I do have to hit up Zellers so I can buy some kind of ice and a brace so I make it through the 10 hour shift.

Seriously though...all this from a kick in the ankle that didn't even really hurt at the time.

Good On Paper Guy

2007-02-27T11:52:00.001-05:00

Last Thursday night I had my date with Mr. Valentine. Who has turned out to be infamous Good-On-Paper Guy from the old epitome of singleness, Sex and the City.

He's a High School English Teacher, coach's girls hockey, owns a house, a car, plays hockey, likes to read. So many things that I think I'm looking for, but there's none of that excited I can't wait to see him pit of your stomach butterflies feeling.

Attraction.

Why is it so hard. Why can't we be attracted to who we want to be.

I don't know if I'll go out with Mr. Valentine again. I don't know if its fair to maybe lead him on, as I'm not attracted, or if attraction will grow in time.

The only problem with the date was the end. He walked me to my car and told me to call him if I wanted. When did it become the girls job to chase the boy? I don't mind meeting the guys half way, or making effort. But I won't be the only one. I had to call Mr. Valentine the in the first place.

Secret's Out

2007-02-22T03:20:00.001-05:00

Mr. Valentine and I will be going out tomorrow night, or for those of you whom 3:20 is closer to morning then bedtime..tonight.

Unfortunately while he may be discrete about not letting his team members know that we're gonna go out...we was less discrete about actually asking me tonight. So now the worst people know...members of S's hockey....

Oh and S was only about 10 feet away on his cell at the time as well.

As I've said before its "frowned upon" for us (the bartenders) to date men's league team members...but I want to. I just didn't want the whole bar to know...but what's done is done..no changing it.

However I definitely have a bigger crush on Mr. Soccer and Mr. Torn Groin. But as of yet, do not yet know their level of interest in me...so I guess I'll take what I can get right. But I really like Mr. Torn Groin...he's so yummy.

I live for Wednesdays.

The Call

2007-02-21T00:48:00.001-05:00

I called Mr. Valentine (formerly known as C, but I think nicknames are cuter).

I got the machine. Which I think is the best scenario. I gave him my number, and said call me. (Which by the way he hasn't called...it's only been 6 hours though). Now he has to take the lead. And that's what I like.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. So I get to see both Mr. Valentine, and Mr. Torn Groin (formerly known as I, but again cuter).

Looks like it'll be fun evening for me!